Violence in America: Ban all Guns, Knives, Bats, Bras, and Rocks!

March 5, 2018

Enough is enough. Recently, two more 6-year-old students in Maryland were suspended for pretending to throw rocks at each other on the playground. Children start with pretending to throw rocks but tomorrow they will be throwing them. It’s about time we got serious about the violence that rocks (especially assault rocks) play in our society and we must act now. I mean, we have to do something!

I have a suggestion. If we are really serious about protecting people from violence, we should ban all guns, knives, hammers, clubs, (far more people were killed last year with hammers and clubs than with assault rocks), frozen meat, bats, bras (since one man killed his wife with her bra), and rocks. Rocks are really dangerous since they are so plentiful and easily attained. It is good that schools make a pretend throwing action unlawful. Stop the madness now with a ban on all rocks.

Let’s not play around with this issue when lives are in the balance. Get serious and eventually ban all rocks, in all places, all weights, and all sizes. I mean if we save even one life, it will be worthwhile. I know the conservative bleating hearts will scream, but they are mean, mad, and malicious people. Who cares what they think? They spend all their time clinging to their rocks as they read their Bibles, so who cares about them? They drive around town in their pickup trucks with a huge load of rocks in the back. What does an honest person need with all those dangerous rocks?

All sane people know rocks are evil. Children, especially boys, seem to have a tendency to throw rocks at other children, birds, cats, and other innocent animals. Rocks are evil and must be illegal. Even pictures of rocks should be unlawful.

Maybe not today, but soon, America will be rock-less - except for police, FBI, CIA, FEMA, IRS, BATF, military, security guards, celebrity bodyguards, senators, etc. Only the elite need rocks.

It may be difficult to ban all rocks since the National Rock Association (NRA) is such a powerful and heartless organization and all the rednecks belong to it. The NRA is getting rich from fees by selling memberships, coffee mugs, sweatshirts, etc. So we may have to ban the biggest rocks and eventually ban smaller rocks when another tragedy happens. You know, don’t let a crisis go to waste. We must take advantage of every situation to eventually take every rock away from every American. You know, a totally rock-less America.

For a while we will have to settle for getting rid of rocks incrementally, and to begin with, we can license all rock carriers. We can charge large fees for their license, the bigger the rock, the bigger the fee. This will also give us a list of all rock owners and their locations.

Arrest any person seen with a rock unless he has a permit to carry. Even then, the size and shape of the rock should be restricted. Some rocks are more dangerous than others. I remind the heathen out there that little David killed a giant of a man with a smooth rock but he had a total of five rocks. It should have been illegal for him to have an excess of rocks. That is over-kill. The law must stipulate that no person can have more than one rock in his possession at any time. After all, why does a person need more than one rock? Such people are obviously up to no good and innocent lives are at stake.

Rocks should be registered as to size, weight, color, and sharp edges and kept under lock and key by rock owners. Of course, no felon or mentally unstable person should be permitted to possess dangerous rocks, so no politician can legally have rocks. (Of course, politicians are accused of having rocks in the upper portion of their anatomy!) Not too sure how small or large a prohibited rock should be but we’ll leave that small detail to the regulators. Surely we can trust them to be reasonable.

Until we can pass laws banning all rocks, we should go after all Rock Throwing Clubs where their sole purpose is to kill innocent and helpless creatures. Such clubs should be disbanded along with all Rock Throwing Ranges where they practice their rock throwing. After all, such activities are dangerous and will destroy a neighborhood. Also, none of those ranges did an environmental impact study before they were built, so we can close them down without new laws! We should use any pretext to destroy the whole rock business.

Rock fanatics will resist these 'common sense' suggestions, and speak of never, never, never giving up their rock until it is pried from their cold, stiff fingers. Well, we can arrange that.

But right now I must remove my tongue from cheek.

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