The Untold Story of Dr. Fraud’s Infamous Lawsuit

May 30, 2002

by Andrew E. Carlan

As Freud and his followers gained influence not only through the impact of their theories and therapies, but also by winning offices in the professional organization of psychiatry and by attaining positions as department heads in universities, Freudianism became a pseudo-religion like Scientology and Freud a god. His priests kept Freud’s papers under lock and succeeded in suppressing much else that showed Freud in a negative light. And there is a lot.

For fifteen years, Oscar Schlumpschuhe lay on Dr. Fraud’s Posturpedic mattress and revealed his deep-seated fantasies. He even had his mail forwarded. Fraud dozed off behind his desk smoking his phallic symbol. He would wake up only when his expensive suits caught fire and the smoldering set off the smoke alarm. Without flinching, he would unzip his fly, remove his pocket watch and invariably announce in flawless Moravian-accented German, "Okey dokey, your time is up for today." That is how Oscar came to be Fraud’s unofficial biographer

Finally the day came when Dr. Fraud found a young ingenue who could fill Oscar’s slot. Fraud warned Oscar (whose name he didn’t remember until he frantically thumbed through his appointment book) that he was beginning to develop a fixation and should seek another therapist.

Dr. Fraud presented Oscar with a prepared bill for the difference between the Hapsburg Health and Burial Insurance reimbursements Fraud got and the doctor’s actual fee. Enclosed was a form for transferring property title.

Oscar thought of committing suicide. Then he had a better idea. Oscar achieved renown as the first patient a psychoanalyst sued for unpaid fees. In fact, in the perspective of history, Oscar will be longer remembered for this case than Fraud for his theories.

Fraud’s law firm moved hastily. Within six year they drew up papers and entered suit. Since Oscar was penniless, no lawyer would defend him. Oscar came to court alone. Oscar was no genius. But he was no fool when necessity required quick wit. His edge was that he knew his weakness. The lawyers were dead to theirs.

Oscar stooped humbly to the witness stand and in a whisper pled insanity before Fraud’s startled lawyers. Cunningly, Max Speidel toyed with the band on his Rolex watch. He then got Oscar to admit to having been Dr. Fraud’s patient for fifteen years. He led Oscar to identify boxes of Fraud’s illegible notes. Then Max brushed his moustache and expanded his chest. He began to read off to the jury Fraud’s diagnosis of Oscar. He had not inconvenienced himself to glance at it before trial. There it was. Fraud had diagnosed Oscar as an incurable schizophrenic, hopelessly incapable of functioning.

Fraud fired Speidel and his thirty associates on the spot, asked the court if he could withdraw the suit against Oscar and substitute one against these urbane professors of law at the Institute fur Gerechtschmaltz for malpractice. Due to the Oscar Schlumpschuhe fiasco, psychiatrists ever since have refused to treat the seriously ill or was it the ill seriously? I forget...