The Two Faces Of Mr. Rogers

June 10, 2002

by Andrew E. Carlan

This highly confidential report is based on an AP story which may be viewed below.

Travel Alerts Archaic
You used to go to the terrorist now they come to you.

The Two Faces Of Mr. Rogers
Pre-Schoolers Knew Before CIA
Rogers Notorious FL Gun Runner

On September 1, 1972, my security service warned Coca Cola Bottlers with facilities in the Saudi Arabia and Yemen that bin Laden was only a spokesman for Mr. Rogers. The Ph.D. of PBS’s children programming smuggled guns and drugs for years from Florida and the land of Cherubs while playing a hypnotic on television.

The CIA easily isolated signals about shipments embedded in the TV program’s gibberish. It’s cryptologists and even CIA grave diggers kept notebooks of orders to commit batteries to the thousand of cells. Because of Rogers sleep disorder, he ran down the battery cells. All the illegal operatives got was an invitation to ride the toy train on Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood for half fare.

Under cover Dartmouth’s absentminded President Bert Reynolds, former Mr. America was jailed overnight with three contestants. He revealed his involvement in this long-standing conspiracy against the conservative wing of Republican Party.

The ACLU keeps frightening us with sinister tales of John Ashcroft. It swooned over his latest policy announcement. Aborigines trying to enter the country from Papua will be dressed and searched thoroughly. Where is Ashcroft now that Mr. Rogers has come out of the closet? Well, John Ashcroft had his own graduation speech to deliver at Sword of Vengeance College in Duck’s Creek, MI. He called for a total ban on foreign ambassadors. "It’s their sealed diplomatic pouches that worry me."

KFC’s founder Colonial Sanders was runner up. He was last year’s winner of the Illinois secondary. Sanders is controversial. He pled to a reduced misdemeanor charge. Illinois’ election commissioners reversed the result when he acknowledged bribing rural voters with chicken wings.

New Hampshire AG Butt Huffy expressed worry that Mr. Rogers’ appearance would tear Hanover apart. "It will overwhelm the already stressed out four man post office staff.. Hanover has no police. In emergencies, left-wing professors are sworn in as posse. Over the past decade two conservative speakers trying to address meetings of the pathetically small right of center student groups were lynched. Right of center in Hanover means GOP stalwarts like Nelson Rockefeller and former Republican senator James Jeffries of neighboring Vermin, as Robert Frost, New Hampshire poet referred to it.

Most male students intend to leave before graduation. As one said, "I have a vague recollection that my mother put me to sleep listening to this guy. I wondered why I slept from 8AM until 3PM while my friends didn’t go to bed until after supper. The answer turned out to be they didn’t watch Mr. Rogers. Making the transition to kindergarten and being up all day was hard for me. Besides, I’m looking for someone who can wind me up for the hashish party tonight. I doubt Mr. Rogers will be throwing any Molotov cocktails. He can’t throw anything very far, including his voice."

So on June 6th at Dartmouth, within half an hour of the Canadian border, Mr. Rogers came out of the closest. He has been a mercenary in almost every colonial war back to the Crimean (1854-1856) where he served as nurse’s aid to Florence Nightingale.

Remember you heard about the real Mr. Rogers here first.

HANOVER, N.H. (AP) - Television’s Mr. Rogers greeted many of this year’s Dartmouth College seniors daily when they were children, but some are not pleased he will be greeting them on graduation day. Fred Rogers, of ``Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood’’ fame, is this weekend’s commencement speaker.

``It’s like Barney the dinosaur speaking at our graduation,’’ said history major Michael Weiss. ``We’re 22 years old and we’re getting lectured by a guy who plays with puppets for a living."

``I had hoped for someone more awe-evoking,’’ said Chris Moore, a graduating philosophy major. ``Some secretary of the U.N., or (Rudolph) Guiliani, or a human rights leader.’’

Dartmouth College President James Wright, who made the final choice of the commencement speaker, said a good speaker is someone students can look up to, who can draw from experience and make timely remarks.

Past Dartmouth commencement speakers have included Robert Reich, Bill Clinton, George Mitchell and Madeline Albright. Note that Senator Jesse Helm and Bill Buckley were both invited in previous years. But their fee was too high for this well-endowed institution.