Swerve to the left or the right if you have to, but for God’s sake never squat in the middle of the road.

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld again won the battle of the Nielsen ratings with afternoon soap. He began his last press conference of 2001 on New Year’s Eve with a jab to the soft underbelly of the press. The press tends to follow the white line rather than the party line. The Progressive’s correspondent asked him whether he thought "the Rewards For Justice Program," administered by the State Department, was excessive given the better uses to which the $25 million could be put like helping the homeless. Rumsfeld noted "They don’t have anything we want to buy that badly." The secretary expected "twenty-five million will suck out all the screwballs in the Middle East. It’ll be like looking for a needle in a haystack."

If money is the root of all evil how come we’re using so much of it to fight evil?

"The Rewards For Justice Program," the Secretary reminded the press, "was set up to consider claims for the reward of up to $25 million for information leading directly to the apprehension or conviction of Osama Bin Laden. "

Note the terms "consider," and "up to $25 million." "Consider" has the distinct ring of Donald Trump entering into a lease with a widow and the "up to $25 million" the same as "up to 70% off".

"An additional $2 million is being offered by the Airline Pilots Association and the Air Transport Association," he added. Betcha the federal courts will disperse the $2 million in dribs and drab and never allow claimants near the $25 million. The federal courts owe their loyalty to the federal government. That’s why federalism died in the crib almost immediately after the Founders fathered it. The Boston Globe’s multi-colored intern asked why no one in the government had thought about a standing offer for Bin Laden and earlier terrorists since the 1970s.

"I agree," he replied with his elfish grin. "Listen, I didn’t think we needed to offer such a huge amount. $2500 would have generated the same interest."

New York Times "New of the World In Review" Consistently Most Farsighted Section

New York Times pacifist military affairs correspondent, Clair Voyant, prodded the Secretary. "Why didn’t the CIA think of a standing offer of say $100,000 at least after the 1993 World Trade Towers bombing?"

"Certainly, Clair. You’re right. Exactly right! That’s why I’m frankly astonished your paper supported the curb on the CIA dealing with informers you wouldn’t bring home to mother. These terrorists are without scruples. Which means if we want information we have to go into their sewers with bags of money. Wouldn’t you agree, Ms. Voyant?"

"But I particularly enjoyed hearing that the CIA demagnetized the credit cards we gave them. When they went to the ATM machines to pick up their money they couldn’t understand why the cards wouldn’t work. You do approve of such dirty tricks on our part whatever your views of Nixon may be?"

"But I think Congress understands its naivete now," Rumsfeld added.

Support term limits for career politicians through a mandatory death penalty. Borrowed form William Frist (b. 1952), U.S. Republican senator from Tennessee

One of the newspaper correspondents was overheard by the Secretary to whisper to another. "Funny they didn’t know instinctively. Politicians always swam in the same sewers as criminals." If the government tells the truth it’s either a slipup for which someone will pay or its unimportant.

"That may be true, Mr. McCaffrey, but now you’ll know when you don’t get an invitation to a private briefing where I spill the real beans, why you didn’t." The audience reacted by laughing and applauding. The old-timers sat stonefaced.. They may have being thinking there was more truth than humor in the Secretary’s off-the-cuff remark.

All other off-the-cuff remarks are the other way around.

Lots of money permits insanity to linger longer as amusing respectability. You have only to look at Bin Laden and Hollywood for proof.

A reporter asked Rumsfeld what he thought of the statement of Bin Laden’s favorite wife of his four wives, Sabiha’s, a knockout with long hair still in her twenties, on Russian television last week that he would order his elder son to shoot him rather than be captured. Sabiha added that he might be shot as a fundraiser on TV before invited dignitaries. It was rumored that the Bin Laden family favors Jerry Lewis (although he’s Jewish) to host the marathon because of his popularity in France and because he used to raise so much money for crippled children during his prime as a pre-adolescent on American TV. Lewis’ reaction, according to Paris-Match, was "I wouldn’t mind."

Rumsfeld pointed his finger at the correspondent. "You’re making that up. Good news doesn’t happen that often."

The correspondent went on "that’s not all."

In the same interview, Sabiha warned "That will signal a new reign of terror. This time they will take out New Jersey by flying a squadron of CessnasT into the Palisades, change the time on Big Ben at Walton-on-the Danube and take the Eiffel Tower apart and put it back together as the centerpiece in the first theme park in a Moslem country, in Al-Qaeda Terror Village outside Riyadh, Saudi Arabia’s capital.

The tower would be rededicated to Allah and to demonstrate to the infidels that Al-Qaeda’s vast financial network and Frequent Flyer MilesT accounts are intact despite Satan’s apparent victory in Afghanistan." Sabiha also claimed that despite his limp bin Laden reportedly still lead 1,000 fully loaded loyalists at full gallop into nearby forests where they dug up their undamaged Port-a-PottiesT flush toilets abandoned during their strategic withdrawal into the Tora Bora caves.

The audience of correspondents broke up in laughter, one of them calling out "Mr. Secretary, you planted the question."

Rumsfeld looked around the room and just shrugged his shoulders.

No warranty of use for the purpose intended is made for words or phrases that appear here. Depending on circumstances even a word like "is" may deviate from non-legal usage. Therefore, reliance on these reports is at the reader’s peril and the reader takes all assumptions of risk for engagement in this as in any inherently dangerous sport.

Andrew E. Carlan
Farmingdale, New York

You can e-mail your comments to Andrew at acarlan@optonline.net.

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