Maybe telemarketers aren’t generous enough for the thankless job our legislators in Albany do at unconscionable pay (I can’t decide at this writing whether it is too much or too little).

That probably explains why New Yorkers can come home from work kiss or argue with their spouse or children and sit down to home-cooked noise and a zapped-in-the-micro dinner. No pitches for snake oil remedies, not until they turn on the TV and return to the world of near uninterrupted commercials for the rest of the evening.

Or maybe the telemarketers and the legislators were smarter than New Yorkers. While most complained about yet another intrusion on their privacy, apathy protects the intruder. The telephone only stops ringing if you take the trouble to "opt out," the new legal standard for controlling anti-social behavior.

New York was the fifth state to rewrite its penal code to this enlightened standard. Unless you specifically "opt out," your killer cannot be tried for murder. He can only be tried for carrying an unlicensed weapon.

There are so many exceptions to New York’s prohibition on unwanted solicitations that a phone bank could relocate in your bedroom.

"Because of our concern for freedom of speech" explained the civic-minded New York Legislature, "political messages cannot be restricted even if there is no one on the other end, only an endless loop recording". Charities are also exempt, even though 9-11 showed New York has very little interest in where contributions really go.

If government claims to protect your privacy by filling out a form, be wary. It may just be the government is creating its own databank to invade your privacy. Perhaps those who complain and then don’t sign up know something the rest of us don’t.

In the interest of defeating both the ever-present hucksters and government, I offer three scripts for dealing with unwanted telephone contacts. It may not reduce the traffic, but it will make the driving more enjoyable.

SCRIPT NUMBER ONE

"Ring, ring." You reach for the cordless phone from the dinner table because you think it may be Publishers Clearinghouse with your promised $1 million if you answer their call. Your plate with only the uneaten beets you hate falls on your $600 custom-made suit.

"Hello," you snarl.

"Hello," comes the reply you know is not Publishers Clearinghouse. "Can I speak to Tony?"

"Who wants to know?"

"Can I speak to Tony?"

After a pause, you start this revolving door dialogue:

"Tony told me I was to ask for the caller’s name before I gave out that kind of personal information."

The caller is now audibly angry, which according to your timetable is exactly where he ought to be.

"Are you crazy?" he shouts.

"No, Tony is."

You now enjoy the satisfaction of having reversed roles. He is acting as if you called him and patently not enjoying it.

"Who are you?", he demands to know as if he picked your phone number at random.

"Why do you want to know?"

The ploy has worked. He is now totally disoriented.

"What is this all about?"

It is time to help him hang himself.

"The person here goes under various aliases because there is a contract out for him. By the way, you sound like a lawyer. Do you draft contracts?"

He crawls slowly toward the light but not without success. Finally he has a Biblical epiphany. A shaft of light penetrates his dull consciousness. Like Paul’s conversion on the road to Damascus, he comes to the shattering a self-realization. Only in this case it is that he is being manipulated.

"O.K. really, very funny, now for God sake Tony is running a business, right?"

"I don’t know. This is an answering service."

Well, that’s gospel truth, isn’t it? Don’t these telemarketers turn us into involuntary answering services?

He’s imprisoned in a bear trap. All he can do now is wiggle and repeat words. We don’t even know whether he is asking a question or making a statement.

"You are fooling me"

Now your author pleads. Be kind. Give him the kiss of death.

"I’m only doing what I’m paid handsomely to do. I don’t ask questions. You shouldn’t either. Didn’t your mother tell you it is impolite to ask strangers questions?"

Remember you asked for his name, about six hours ago when you first picked up the phone? Then he was the caller and you the miserable callee. He stood his ground. Now a minor earthquake has turned the prince into the pauper and the pauper into the prince. He starts giving you information.

"My name is Charlie Fontana. For Chriss sake Tony and I go back many years."

He will realize in moment he has overstayed his strategic advantage.

"Charlie, I have bad news for you. Tony left for the day. In fact, he said if you called, he left for the month."

Ha! Ha! -bang!

Give the caller credit. He is one in a hundred. Realizing he has been taken, he laughs and only then slams down the phone.

Well at least we both enjoyed a few useless moments.

SCRIPT NUMBER TWO
EXCEPTION: CREDITORS YOU FAILED TO NOTIFY

Within 30 days of receipt of demand for payment from creditor or assignee, debtor who does not wish to be contacted must give notice to the creditor or assignee in writing.

While this script can only be used by a female or female impersonator, males, that invisible and alleged fifty percentage of the human race or any of the many genders now recognized under our law can use the final script.

I gave a real flesh-and-blood woman the following advise:

When the collection agency calls again tells them that your husband isn’t home right now. When they ask when he will be home, tell them you’d like to know also. He left in such a hurry with no return address.

"Call the President. Maybe, he knows," I suggested she tell the caller.

"The President? Where he works?"

I told her that at this point the conversation reaches its first climax. Proper breathing, pausing, pregnant silences, are critical to its success.

...Sort of....President Bush.

Give the salivating bounty hunter time to drool before you go on. Remember, he thinks he is about to corner you and collect half the overdue bill no one else has been able to collect for his employer. His job hangs on what comes next.

I told her to carefully continue, considering every word as if her life depended on it, which it does if she wants one free of answering her phone 24 hours a day.

"He ordered my husband’s out of the country. He’s in special forces,--very dangerous work. His chance of coming home on his own vertically are 100-1 against."

You are not expecting the bill collector to show any compassion, much less interest. Remember this is "the Perils of Pauline." But do inquire:

"Are you some kind of traitor? Do you care more about a measly $30,000 than the welfare and security of the United States of America, with the guarantee of life, liberty and the endless pursuit of happiness even on borrowed money and the irreplaceable life of my dear departed generally loyal husband for Afghanistan and the father-he thinks-of my seven children."

This didn’t work. But then you didn’t expect it to. You have another card up your sleeve. Play it now. What are you waiting for. He’s going to say something and spoil your Blitzkrieg.

"The Defense Department writes a life insurance and survivor’s benefits package for any soldier who volunteers to walk into the roaring fire. The policy includes a provision regarding all outstanding debts. The government takes care of them. You can put in a claim on his dead body. Just watch the obituaries."

There is no point in causing the collector needless anguish at this point. He will learn soon enough. "Taking care" means the government cancels all debts and leaves the creditor with no remedies. You didn’t think the government was going to let its sovereign power go to waste and pay up? What would the incumbent congressman have to gloat about at the next election? "I saved the taxpayers of this district countless millions in defaulted debt to private creditors. Of course, as a politician he may decide not to put it quite so bluntly as there may be creditors and Methodists in his district.

SCRIPT #3
EXCEPTION: CREDITORS YOU FAILED TO NOTIFY
NON-GENDER SHORT FORM

"Is this Mr./Mrs./Ms/ _______________________"

"Who wants to know?"

Bill collectors take great pains to protect debtors from the shame of being known as a deadbeat by all his neighbors. But collection agencies do routinely call neighbors and gossip about you to get information for the purpose of collecting a debt. It is perfectly legal.

"We can’t divulge the nature of this call to anyone but Mr./Mrs./Ms/_______________________ "

"Are you that person."

Remember your initial question. If you tend to get confused in debates, particularly those where big prize money hangs in the balance, write the question down.

"I only asked who you are."

Watch this. First the caller wouldn’t tell you because that would accuse the debtor publicly of defaulting on a obligation. That could result in a slander suit even if it is true. Now, like courts, the scope of privileged communication suddenly widens. You can’t know who they are either. There is no particular reason except they are instructed to stay in control of the conversation.

Good, you tell the collector who you are instead.

I am Mr./Mrs./Ms/ _______________________ estate administrator.

Obviously the collection agency doesn’t hire lawyers to do bulk collections on the phone. So the next question is to be expected. In fact, without it, this script fails.

"What do you mean by that?"

They just lost control. But don’t celebrate too soon. Remember, you owe AT&T $3000 for phone calls to a Caribbean number. Don’t flub now. Pick up your verbal rifle, breath deeply and carefully focus and shoot right between the eyes.

"Oh! You’re out of luck. You just missed him. The hearse pulled away about 20 minutes ago." By the way, I was joking.There is no estate.

Well done, oh! good and faithful disciple. But be prepared, they WILL call again. You consolation? At least, that was fun.

Andrew E. Carlan
Farmingdale, New York

You can e-mail your comments to Andrew at acarlan@optonline.net.

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