You get what you pay for. That’s why I come here. You have the highest prices in town.

Even if one concludes that the Pope’s idea that catholic lawyers refuse to participate in divorce cases is idiotic, why should government have a monopoly on idiocy? Let everyone compete.

"Should Catholic lawyers refuse divorce cases?"

Why just Catholic lawyers? Besides, why are Catholics doing the devil’s business by being lawyers?

They is always the danger of hypocrisy when debating morality. For instance, I have been divorced forty-three times and from the same woman. But the French philosophe François, Duc de La Rochefoucauld wrote "Hypocrisy is one the tribute vice pays to virtue." Hypocrisy is far more disinterested than conscience. It openly acknowledges that there is no point wasting time and money if the accused is going to be his judge and jury.

Anyone out there really believe that Hitler, Stalin and Bin Laden weren’t following their conscience, raise your hand, Well, hello there, Marquis de Sade.

Just because you eat like a pig doesn’t mean you’re obliged to promote sloppy table manners. Divorce should be like masturbation. Divorce yourself using a do-it-yourself book. Unless you’re a movie star, nobody’s interested.

Someone quoted Mussolini that a bad marriage is worst for children than a good divorce. Mussolini, a role model! He should have taken his own advice and divorced Italy as quick as the papers could be drawn up. Who cares what that opera buffo dictator had to say on any subject except how to work up the courage to rape Ethiopia?.

I almost got a girl pregnant in high school. It’s costing me a fortune keeping the rabbit on life support. -Will Shriner

I am trying to raise capital to train seeing-eyed people for blind dogs who have to move in heavy traffic. Some are guard dogs in airport or border security work. Since September 11th, they are in danger of loosing their jobs as standards relentlessly go up. It seems unfair because only the dogs are expected to meet the new standards. If you are interested in becoming a dog’s helpmate or making a contribution, contact me at "Windows For Canines," 45 Shedding Hair Drive, Muttown, N.J.

Microsoft has just announced the introduction of a new version of Windows with a new name and an operating system that represents a quantum leap over earlier releases. The new version will be called Windows on the World Premium Titanium. The most dramatic new feature is a delete function that not only deletes material on your computer but actually finds and deletes real people. The price will be around $499. Unfortunately, there is no "undo" feature. In celebration of the new software, Microsoft is offering a free copy of Windows on the World Premium Titanium to the entry with the most interesting list of people who wouldn’t be missed. Each person must be accompanied by a short sentence explaining why.

"Poor people have access to the courts in the same sense that the Christians had access to the lions..." --Judge Earl Johnson Jr.

Harvard Law Prof. Alan Dershowitz wrote "Lying, distortion, and other forms of intellectual dishonesty are endemic among judges..." He must know. He composed many of them. See the Professor’s 500 books all written in the last year, including his last and worst, The Best Defense.

He replied with disarming honesty. "I don’t believe I ever gave you sexual pleasure. I am impotent, at least with you.

Due process in family court
LEWIS CARROL (Alice in Wonderland)

"I’ll be the judge, I’ll be the jury," said cunning old Fury; "I’ll try the whole cause, and condemn you to death."

"No! No! Sentence first -- verdict afterwards."

What special insight do psychologists have to decide who is the better parent? Parents aren’t like pianists. You don’t have each parent prepare a concert for the judge who then decides to award custody to the most talented.

Mary reported for jury duty and immediately asked to be excused because she was prejudiced.

"I took one look at those shifty eyes and that sleazy polyester suit and I knew that he was guilty as sin."

"Sit down," said the judge. "That is the prosecuting attorney."

Kathryn Flicker, newly appointed head of the new New Jersey State Office of Counterrorism last week, was asked whether she had any experience dealing with terrorists:

"I have worked with lawyers my whole career", she said. "I even married one".

Did you hear about the terrorist who hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren’t met.

The way it is now, the asylums can hold the sane people, but if we tried to shut up the insane we should run out of building materials. -Mark Twain, Following the Equator

"Most women who seek abortions become pregnant while having intercourse with men." Catherine McKinnon, Law Professor, U. of Minn and creator of feminist legal theory.

I am dying to ask this scholar what other kind of intercourse gets women pregnant

Andrew E. Carlan
Farmingdale, New York

You can e-mail your comments to Andrew at acarlan@optonline.net.

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