Taking pride as the most Politically Uncorrect
Since Self-Proclaimed Liberal Started Speech Codes

The Laughing Lawyer
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"It is certain that stealing nourishes courage, strength, skill, tact, in a word, all the virtues useful to a republican system and consequently to our own. Lay partiality aside, and answer me: is theft, whose effect is to distribute wealth more evenly, to be branded as a wrong in our day, under our government which aims at equality? Plainly, the answer is no."
- Marquis de Sade (1740–1814), French author. Dolmancé, in Philosophy in the Bedroom, "Dialogue the Fifth: Yet Another Effort, Frenchmen, If You Would Become Republicans" (1795).

"This American system of ours . . . call it Americanism, call it capitalism, call it what you like, gives to each and every one of us a great opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it."
- Al Capone (1899-1947), U.S. gangster. Interview with Claud Cockburn, in Cockburn Sums Up, "Mr. Capone, Philosopher" (1981).

The New Timid Times
"All the News We Dare to Print"

Mary Bethsheba Kwami Huang Birdsong
Washington Correspondent
New Timid Times

CHICAGO, March 28^th. The Reverend Jesse Jackson announced today that he will unleash a late April protest with millions of stinging African red ants. "We’re going to let them loose on Capitol Hill and near the White House. The swelling, burning, itching should be a reminder to our bitten officials of "Bush’s racist policies in denying equal agricultural opportunities to all Americans regardless of their race, color, religion or topography."

The Reverend Jackson, global peace advocate and leading civil rights leader who took the mantle from Dr. Martin Luther King as he cradled him while dying from an assassin’s bullet, charged that "It is incomprehensible that the District of Columbia, which is 92% black, has never received one cent in farm subsidies.

"Congress has been very generous to White farmers" since the beginning of agricultural subsidies in 1602. Reverend Jackson’s statistical staff figured that "Congress paid them more than $6 trillion dollars not to grow food while Africa suffered widespread famine They died while food perished in our warehouses."

Asked how Washington, D.C. could qualify for farm subsidies, when there are no open spaces, Jackson answered, "Rhode Island and Delaware ain’t exactly ’fruited plains’ either."

"The White man had the power. He killed Buffalo and Washington. He accused White Anglo-Saxon males of seizing all the good land in the District, just like they did from the native Americans, and speculated that the federal government would need every square inch in the District. Blacks and women were prevented from getting in on the ground floor. Now they should get their share."

Jackson asked rhetorically, "what better way than farm subsidies for not growing food." He went on but then he came back. "We could do both just like the White farmer does."

Jackson attacked Bush’s Agriculture Department for not setting up a demonstration program based on his $15,000, five minute video tape "Growing Organic Food in the Ghetto." "Tons of energy for protesting and rioting could be grown in backyards, in basements, in flower pots and in front of public buildings. It would save a fortune in landscaping bills."

His staff created statistics that suggest poor black children aren’t developing their full potential in school because they’re eating chemically laden food." That is today’s slavery.

His plan is to set up thousands of organically grown farmers markets in the District. "We are going to pressure Congress until they appropriate sufficient funds to a build a trans-district railroad from debris to debris to spread all the manure Washington generates around the city." He laughed. He often laughs at his ingenious turns-of-phrase.

"The Civil War only scratched the surface. Where are the "40 acres and a mule" promised every freed slave? They never got either. Let’s give to all heirs apparent in the District the "Forty Acres and a Mule" for a start."

When questioned where the mules could be found, he replied, "If they can’t find enough mules then let them substitute Democrats and liberal journalists. They are genetically the closest human relatives to jackasses." Again, a smile spread across his face as if to say, "You know, it’s an inside joke."

He called on "all fair-minded Americans to join me in growing Ethanol instead of ravaging the wilderness."

"Bush uses the excuse of September 11th to give American Airlines $50 billion to save its neck. I sure created as many jobs as that $50 billion did. And dumb conservatives wonder why the IRS hesitates to look into my cryptic accounting methods."

Reverend Jackson went on in his customary role of articulating the mounting frustrations of black America, "In our struggles across the years against racism, sexism, dry cleaning, anti-Semitism, protoplasm, gay bashing, Arab bashing or window sashing, one thing worse than those evils of racism, road rage, sexism, phonography, anti-Kremlinism, playground bashing, has been near-sightedness. A nation that cannot read without glasses has lost its way and a nation that has lost its way will never be found regardless of even with its advanced Global Positioning System."

"The homeless could learn to grow crops. These drug addicts, felons, life-long hallucinogenics can be transformed into small entrepreneurs with seed money from an aggressive Department of Agriculture and National Institutes of Mental Health program."

Jackson noted that he planted his seed wherever he saw the opportunity. "Black men should plant more seed. More seed means more votes at election time."

Adapting the old adage, he quipped, "You teach a man or woman to fish for their own government supports and free them from dependence on begging. That is the meaning of opportunity."

Jackson smiled, "we’ve removed the ceiling above our dreams. There are no more impossible dreams."

Jackson explained he had removed the ceiling above his outgrown Chicago headquarters. "That’s where we found the $750,000 that the El Rukah gang stashed when a bigoted federal judge found them guilty of ordering more than 130 murders, running the cocaine and heroin business on the Southside and extorting protection from local black businessmen. That’s how I learned. That’s how come my son Jonathan got one of the biggest Budweiser distributorships. In fact, my half-brother Noah with the Harvard MBA taught me before he went off to jail for life with the gang all I needed to know about how to get corporations on board."

"One of Reverend Jackson’s piece of geniuses is that he’s very good at interesting the uninterested" said one of his trusted white campaign advisors from his 1984 and 1988 presidential primary campaigns. "He’s trying to figure out how to get to people who don’t really believe much of what he says to take him seriously. Noah demonstrated that it’s easier to make people seek their enlightened self-interest in helping you with love and a gun then just with love. Threaten to tie them up in minority set-aside litigation. The bigger they are the faster they fall."

In fact, Noah wasn’t his only teacher. Jackson’s wall-to-wall shakedowns grew out of watching the feminists demand anytime anyone else got money from anyone for anything as a victim they were entitled to their share. When the charities set up to benefit the wives and children of firemen and police who sacrificed their lives in the body search at the World Trade Center ruin started distributions Kim Gandy president of NOW defiantly shouted. "We are sensitive. We were affected more deeply than anyone else. Now give us the money."

Four hundred and one police and fireman died in the rescue. Only one was a woman. Jesse was quite impressed. "I thought only us niggers had the audacity to do that." He instructed his lawyers to see if he, too, could grab some. "Many of our people died in the tragedy." When asked the names of some he couldn’t remember any.

"Lets have exact equality like Kim Gandy and Patricia Northern Ireland demand. Then we can all spend our entire lives equally bailing out the sinking boat with the holes they drill in the bottom. Why can’t we drill a few holes, too?"

Jackson is impressed that the feminists succeeded in making their claim fashionable that "we now agree to spend our entire lives rooting out every last wrong inflicted by every last White American Male, dead or alive, on every last good and decent victim anywhere in the world. This involves more than a transfer of power and money. It involves eternal nagging that stretches back to the Big Bang. Until every last evil in human history is paid up in full, they got us to stop working, sleeping, copulating, visiting Grandma, bathing our children and brushing our teeth. As President Clinton said with tears flowing, "We have to feel everyone else’s pain".

Jackson noted laughingly, "leave it to those White college gals from Hymietown. They even got the Supremes to operate a PUSH program by shaking down the federal government and the states, the armed forces, private business, schools, churches. The Supremes found in the Constitution a requirement for programs like "Citadel For A Day." They enforce White girls’ rights to commit suicide by crashing $3 billion fighter planes loaded with advanced technology into aircraft carriers by raising standards and lowering performance. Absolute equality requires the Court to force the taxpayers to provide a fleet of planes for blacks to have the same opportunity.

Jesse in Sierra Leone Playing the Wrong Roots
Sacks democratic forces for glitter of diamond investors

Jackson suggested that since the attacks on September 11th it became more urgent for us to help the poor and starving not only here but in Africa to lift themselves up. "We should be importing more from Africa where I succeeded in planting the roots of democracy." Ambassador Jackson was Clinton’s special envoy to Africa. He escorted hundreds of black business friends to Africa on fleets of government planes to promote investment opportunities.

"Now those roots have to be fed and I mean fast if we are going prevent Africa, too, from sliding back into a breeding ground for terrorists." Jackson noted that the major theme of last week’s Third World economic conference in Monterey, Mexico which the President addressed was a warning from leaders of poor nations that "if our rich counterparts want a world free of terrorism, they will need to pay for it,"

A black editor called it "the velvet shakedown," another example of the spread of Jackson’s corrupt influence even outside the United States.

Jackson makes no apologies. As the Bible says, "Narrow is the door." You need to read my most recent book, "It’s About the Money: How to Build Wealth, Get Access to Capital and Achieve Your Financial Dreams By Getting Yourself Certified." Jackson’s co-author was Digby O’Dell, still a stiff but friendly undertaker.

The Reverend, whose son Jesse, Jr. represents a Chicago congressional district and fulfills his father’s dream to establish the first black political dynasty which does not include his love child with a 39 year old Rainbow-Push-Pull-Breadbasket, Citizenship Education Fund (CEF) worker Karen Stanford "who disappointed me by trying to use extortion when I was praying for her soul and trying to seek reconciliation," sees this expression on the world stage as the natural extension of my triumphant Wall Street Nervous Breakdown Project. "It is the strategy," he explained, "of marrying the largest U.S. corporations to the black market."

He then got into his BMW, one of the seven sports cars he and his wife Jackie own, and sped away.

CNN describes Jesse Jackson as one of America’s most gifted politicians. He draws the skeptics into participation but doesn’t explain how. Reverend Jackson has a regular CNN Sunday commentary. According to CNN, Jackson has such a big month he appears from 5:30am to 11pm every Sunday.

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