The Laughing Lawyer
Discover and Founder of
Positivist Cosmology®

Things don’t happen to us. We happen to them. We run into them. Life is an assembly line in a factory that goes twenty hours a day, seven days a week. Everything that ever happened to us we came to. Good or bad don’t explain it properly. All the philosophers and thinkers were looking at it through the wrong end of the telescope. If we get a swollen thumb from a hammer, the hammer only hit us because we were there when it was doing what is perfectly natural for it to do, hit things. Gums don’t kill people. Going to the wrong dentist kills people.

Nothing forces you be at an intersection at a precise time to be a major participant in an accident. This explanation should give pause to men as they change their position by walking down the aisle. If you were on the assembly line two pieces back or forward, you wouldn’t have been there.

Don’t blame the assembly line. It isn’t there for your benefit. But it also isn’t there to conspire against you. Overall, the interest of the assembly line is to keep doing what it was built to do for as long as possible. That is it’s life. And it has a long-life so long if it doesn’t turn out damaged goods.

In law this concept is known as "Coming to the Nuisance." It is effectively used by big corporations to avoid negligence for killing people by polluting the water they drink or creating noise that stresses humans out and causes mice in laboratories to commit suicide by refusing to eat when the Pavlovian bell rings.

Corporations argue, always successfully, that they were there first. If you look where supposedly intelligent human beings build their dreams and dream house or buy into a development, you realize the justice of this rule. If you buy a house near an airport, don’t expect you’ll wither away from lack of sensation or that you’ll be able to be late for work by oversleeping. You won’t sleep period.

Unfortunately, this sensible rule does not apply where the powers don’t want it to. What else is new? If it did, the Indians and Mexicans could sue successfully for a return of all of the United States. Or as Frank Zappa said, "America is one of the finest countries ever stolen."

Everyone who ever lived and asked the question "Why me?" went to the nuisance. It doesn’t come to them, even when it appears to. In fact, even if you got there first. Read the economist Henry George. He argued that a single tax on the rise in value of unused land would be enough to pay for the gargantuan wastes of all the governments that have ever been and ever will be.

This is no crackpot theory. Nobody disputes it. Yet until your distinguished thinker thought of it no one else ever did, even Henry George. He didn’t realize that his major contribution wasn’t to economics. He was a philosopher and theologian without realizing it.

Entire Study of Real Estate in Two Paragraphs--Location, Location, Location.

Oh! the theory. Urban growth can be tracked, just as we learned we could track hurricanes once we realized they weren’t after us. You buy an empty tract in the boondocks for $2 an acre. You just sit on it. If you studied the track of the flood tide as the city grows, you can predict the month, the day and hour when some billionaire will walk up to you sitting on your deck chair in the middle of your 100’ x 100’ Gobi desert and offer you a million dollars for it. You could have seen it coming over the far ridge if you had only bothered to look. The assembly line is pushing people along who need housing, services, stores and jobs

Your plot is about to be submerged under 200 feet of liquid assets as a result of the predictable tidal finally hitting. You’re not responsible for it. You are just an innocent bystander about to become a millionaire. Unless Henry George’s single tax is on the books.

This is an example of the good side of things we happen to. Take "Why Bad Things Happen to Good People" and toss it. The Rabbi may have been well-intentioned as well as made wealthy, but he is plain wrong. He is not alone. He just perpetuates the ignorance of all other philosophies and religions. They all raise life’s questions ass-backwards. If you frame the question wrong, you will get the wrong answer 100% of the time. Since the Fertile Crescent, especially since Saddem Hussein started farming it, that is the history of the human mind.

Philosophers and clergy are like undertakers. They have been paid big bucks to explain to us the meaning of tragedy at a time when we are most vulnerable. That’s how come you scratch your brow and ask "why did I buy that $10,000 casket for my mother; I didn’t even like her much." Since they never solve the riddles you ask, they are guaranteed always to be in demand.

At Long Last the Panecea: Positivist Cosmology®

I gave the name to my discovery of all ultimate truth. Positivist Cosmology® is defined as the study of the universe that includes geography, astronomy and consciousness. It redefines meaning from "Why you are" to "Where you are" when anything happens. It is the solution to the general theory of relativity in that it fully describes or depicts the world or universe: "a full-blown cosmography in which Earth is ’the garbage dump of the universe’" Mark Muro

This breakthrough in human thought applies to everything. I will have limit myself to one or two examples. Suppose newspapers reported so-called tragedies in the light of Positivist Cosmology®

Obituary Example:

The well-known actor and pedophile, Woody Allen, 65, died unexpected but not unwelcomed this morning at one of his fifty homes. In his Will, which was read this morning, he left his neuroses to Dr. Murray Fish his life-long psychiatrist with a note. "I am not afraid of death. I just don’t want to be there when it happens." Weeks before, Mr. Allen had the Laughing Lawyer draw up his last and final Will of the 2527 ones he drafted since becoming a star with an Achilles heal. During the session, Allen spoke of his fear of death. the Laughing Lawyer outlined for him the true perspective on all things. Apparently, Mr. Allen was comforted by this all-embracing truth and sort to popularize it in his Will.

International Dispute Example

New York Times Investigative Team
The War Between the Israelis and the Palestinians.

Why does God permit such suffering? Wait a minute. God is NOT in the travel business. Nor does God lease out ships. The Jews of Europe got on the assembly line which was headed for Palestine. Years before, Palestinians got on another assembly line from "God-Knows-Where" just outside of Kuwait. If either group had studied the Laughing Lawyer cosmological timetable, they would have known that two things cannot be in the same place at the same time, not unless it is a double-decker.

In a cosmological sense, all this bloodshed on both sides is subject to the same inflexible law as a minor traffic accident at any intersection. Both cars came to the nuisance, that spot which only one of them could physically occupy but both sort to trespass on at the same time. Or as the curmudgeon of journalism of the 1950s and 1960s I.F. Stone put it:

If God as some now say is dead, He no doubt died of trying to find an equitable solution to the Arab-Jewish problem.

Positivist Cosmology® Supplies the Solution

But there is a solution! Build a double decker, a second deck above the present territories. Then the parties will only argue over who gets the upper deck. Or schedule arrivals and departures of conveyer belts with greater respect for the imutable laws of Positivist Cosmology®

The Laughing Lawyer’s seminal book entitled
Positivist Cosmology®
Ultimate Answers to Ultimate Questions
Published by Harlot, Disgrace
44pp. $125
Cannot be purchased at Amazon.com because
the book violates their policy of inoffensiveness to every
gender, race, creed, religion, national origins and profession

Copies can be purchased only at the Pizza Glut with
three "Mile High" Pizza coupons plus $115 cold cash.

Positivist Cosmology also opens career doors in the rapidly growing
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