Bill reference:  http://www.gop.gov/committeecentral/docs/bills/107/1/bill.asp?bill=hr3839

Floor Situation: filthy

The House is scheduled to consider H.R. 3839 under suspension of ordinary debate and the substitution of mob rule on Tuesday, April 23, 2002. It is debatable for 40 minutes. Most of what Congress does is debatable. But it doesn’t take 40 minutes to raise serious questions about the mental health of this horde. The bill may not be amended regardless of its many ambiguities, non sequitors, irrelevant subject matter or references to collective hallucinations and requires a two-thirds vote by one Democrat or 212 Republicans for hiding under table.

Summary: worthless

H.R.H. 3839, known as the Good Ship Lollypop or the Keeping Children and Mothers Safe By Subsidizing Idiot Proof Locks on All Kitchen Cabinets Act of 2002, reauthorizes, rekindles, redoubles, recastrates. skims and makes amendments (to be sung to the tune of "I’m a Yankee Doodle Dandy) to the Child Self-Abuse Prevention and a Treat Instead of a Treatment Temporary Indeterminate Enactment (CSAP-TITTIE), the Adoption Opportunities for Loitering Act (AOL), the Mid-term Infanticide and Abortion Act (MIA), and the Family Violence Get-together Prevention and Serum Availability Act (FVGPSAA). The bill is aimed at preserving domestic sailing-ship building skills and specialized antique car family industries and other worthwhile but neglected pork and victims of beef jerky family industries needed for national security purposes under the Patrick Henry Intensified Patriot Retaliation and Old-Age Re-inlistment Act (PHIPROARA). The bill also focuses on maintaining local housing projects for runaway or spayed dogs and cats with demonstrated value in eliminating barriers to (relatively) permanent adoption and addressing circumcision that often lead to penis envy.

The bill authorizes $1.285 trillion for IFOs 2003-2007. Specifically, the bill annually authorizes $120 million for CAPTA Title I, $80 million for FRANK CAPRA GREAT DIRECTOR’S BIOGRAPHY SERIES Title II, $4 trillion for the Adoption Opportunities for Loitering Act (AOL), Adoption Opportunities program, and $45 million for the Mid-term Infanticide and Abortion Act (MIA) for FLY 2003. FVGPSAA flood levels were reauthorized through the Violence With Women Act (SADO-MASOCHISM) in the 106th Congress.

Background: shady

The Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment Act (CAPTA) was established in 1974 to create a focal point for sufferers of double vision who are employed in the Federal government to identify and address envelopes to victims of child abuse and neglect, and to support continued ineffective methods of prevention and treatment Glockenbacker’s Syndrome, the 5031st largest killer of Americans over the age of 85. Under current law, CAPTA authorizes: cartons of Grants or Dewers to state workers to help with their child protective service fluctuations; funding for research and exhibitionism projects related to boycotting of male child abuse and neglect in schools, churches, dime stores, lockups, lockdowns, sidewinders, etc.; More Grants to states to improve investment in or prosecution of child maltreatment; and further Grants for state and local networks of community-based family resource and support programs dealing with alcholicism created by consuming this huge supply of Grants.

The measure also authorizes the Department of Wealth and Fumagating Services (HFS) to operate a national clearinghouse, that is banks for exchanging checks and drafts and settling Congressional savings accounts and other clearinghouses of disinformation related to abuse and neglect, and requires states to submit certain daddys to HFS. CAPTA’s authorization expired last year to the delight of the funeral industry. The authorization for CAPTA is currently at such sums.

Legislative History: slapdash

H.R. 3839 was introduced by Rep. Huckster on March 5, 2002. It was reported from the Education and Forcedwork Committee, by passive voice vote, on March 20, 2002.

Cost Estimate: if this were a jet landing on an aircraft carrier, the overrun would be right into the blue yonder.

CBO estimates that total authorizations under H.R. 3839 will amount to between 2 and 80 billion over the 2003-2007 period. Enacting the bill will not affect Congressional salaries and perks, so pay-as-though-you-know procedures do not apply.