"Nobody outside of a baby carriage or a judge’s chamber believes in an unprejudiced point of view." --Lillian Hellman
To The Editor Of Findlaw:
I guess Findlaw must be in the baby carriage or a judge’s chamber. Even the New York Times has William Safire, its resident Satan and "flaming voice of the flabby right."
It’s no test of tolerance to tolerate the tolerable. Even Feminist powder kegs possess that empty virtue. Virtue untempted proves nothing as dull people like dull ideas will attest.
Break with your profound monotony, I told Findlaw’s editor. Test your level of tolerance by hiring the best Satan has to offer. Pay Robert Bork a lavish sum to contribute his most heartless ideas of the judiciary. Stay close to a sink in case you feel nauseous.
I doubted Bernie Goldberg’s assessment in "Bias" that newspeople are not consciously illiberal in their professed liberalism. All their upper East Side friends and acquaintances think as they do. They just assume that everyone sane thinks like them. It’s normal for an sensible man who’s listening to the William Tell Overture to think "oh, my God I got so involved I missed Dan Rather" and the William Tell Overture is no work of genius. But reading your columnists Bernie is beginning to persuade me. You haven’t the foggiest notion that the spectrum of opinion you offer isn’t wide enough for an underweight wealthy man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.
No wonder I as a fathers rights rights lawyer having gone threw the rack myself keep wondering why all other lawyers can play the game that the king is magnificently dressed when he has no clothes. Not only doesn’t he had any clothes, his parade route can’t even be predicted. You don’t even have an inkling of how fathers in this country laugh at the ringing words of the Constitution as blacks did before Emancipation. We are being exterminated in as short a time as took to decimate the 150 million buffalo just for sport who ranged the Great Plains . Now it’s fathers turn to be turned into an endangered species by all those super moms who seem to be able to do everything, so long as they keep a few men around to blame their sloppy performance on. And "the Supremes" sit up in their stratosphere musing with each other: "Do you ever have one of those days when everything seems unconstitutional?"
Thank God for humor and Marx. No not Karl, Groucho. Or I would have shot myself years ago. He chiseled and also in stone the motto of the American Bar Association and its components: "Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others."
Forget fairness. God doesn’t require fairness or everyone would be at least six feet tall and plastic surgery would included "free" in mandatory national health insurance. He requires liveliness, some spunk. So join in some evangelical hysteria and let a few dishes fly in regular down and dirty debates. Hire that columnist you absolutely abominate who you are sure belongs in Saint Elizabeth’s. He’ll probably turn out to be the best horse in your stable.
You, no doubt, have been noticing how hilarious and obnoxioius I am. That reinforces your firm belief about those who don’t share your political certainties. I write spoofs on legal matters as Will Rogers did. I just quote the Supreme Court accurately. None of my pieces are shorter than 1000 pages and I decided to call them briefs to see whether those sullen judges still could be moved by irony. I’ll toss off a few just to get the mustiness out of these pages. You can find me among a group of sentimental religious bigots and fanatics at OpinionNet, which includes we atheists who have no where else to be "liberal" as Voltaire intended it, that is willing to die for our opponent’s right to make an ass of himself.
We also draw the line at corrupting the language by substituting gender neutral words like shedonist to hedonist or neutral anything. Neutrality is a curse word. We are not neutral. We are fighters. And we love the language.
Andrew Carlan, Esq.
