This nation is nuts. The liberals have theirs--the feminists and the conservatives cling to President Bush who clings to the phrase "we are fighting against evil." He momentarily forgets. Then he remembers his love of flying.

But our President thinks his ardor when defining the war in the great tradition of Benjamin Franklin who wrote "early to Rose and early to her bed makes a man giddy, witty and sly." He, too, rose at the Constitutional Convention on the last day of the Philadelphia debates. They would rank among the most profound in history. The feminists may dismiss these brave men and their convening as White Anglo Patriarch banter, but it is not true. None were Greek or Russian Orthodox or even Coptic so it is impossible for them to have been patriarchs.

Franklin summed up the importance of that moment. He reminded the delegates, dulled by the typically foul Philadelphia summer that they were here-- or there as one would have it-- to create a great union of states. They would guarantee to their progeny the perpetuation of the two pillars on which civilization and Christianity rest, the duties to fly and buy.

Who amongst us would do less? "Who would take a donkey to Charleston rather than wait 150 or so years on line for the invention of an airplane sufficiently ’user friendly’ that even terrorists can fly it?" he asked, looking at Thomas Pinckney of South Carolina snoozing away. "Or who would thumb a ride on an ass to Wichita in midwinter?" staring cross-eyed through his thick glasses into the Kansas delegation.

"Why is the Kansas delegation not here?" he railed, thumping his arthritic hand on Robert Morris’ rickety desk, causing his copy of "Gentleman’s Quarterly" to drop from under his notes for the whole Convention to see. George Washington, his teeth clattering, answered, "Ben, you are old and have become a burden to the cause. You should do what the majority in Oregon will achieve in the development of liberty and opportunity 150 years hence. They will make it possible for you to have the good death you so urgently need and mazeltov."

Washington went on as was his wont. "Euthanasia, now why didn’t we think of guaranteeing access to it? Such a right every free man should have. But not a slave. A free man should be able to do whatever he chooses with his body. "Choose!" That should have been the rallying cry of the Revolution rather than "Don’t Tread on Me!" Then, perhaps, more than the third of our fellow Americans would have supported us." Roberto Guiccione, only recently arrived from Sicily with the smell of garlic still on his breath.and already a member of the New York delegation, applauded vigorously. He could hardly speak English. New York has no couth. They would have sent Hillary except we ruled no exception for women, even those who lack all the supposed charm of the opposite sex."

Like Franklin, Guiccione was a printer until he was jailed under the "Salient Seduction Act."

By the way, continued Washington, Ben, speaking of euthanasia, , there’s a boat leaving for Asia tomorrow. Be on it while there is still enough youth left in you to qualify. Also Ben Kansas isn’t here because it lacks an important qualification for admission. It doesn’t exist yet."

Still Benjamin Franklin, like President Bush, would not be deterred. He saw darkly over the horizon. "We must be willing to defend with our mutual funds and blood and millions for the defense of American Airlines, but not one cent for oil to those dirty, filthy, vile scum, the infidel Muslims and their Barbary privateers." As he was sitting down, he fell over and died on the spot. Thus Pennsylvania cast one less vote for the Constitution, which is why it is known as the Onekeyless state.

I decided to steal from the grave these notes out of James Madison’s pocket despite their only apparent disloyalty to the administration. I decided to do this largely because of my moral lapse. I am lazy. My apologies, Mr. President, but I understand you, too, rigorously keep a four hour day. All I have to do is read the papers and all the loonies from the top down do the work for me.

A brilliant Long Islander who obviously walks faster backwards and upside down got Newsday to actually publish the following which I cite from his letter to the editor. which raises the awkward question who more amateurish, the part-time writer or the full-time newspaper. I quote only the juiciest part:

"It seems most reasonable to me to ban all luggage - both carry-on and checked - on planes. The airlines could recoup recent losses by selling or renting inexpensive clothing at one’s destination if flights are not made far enough in advance to ship one’s clothing. Are the clothes we wear worth all the waiting in lines for the illusion of security?"

Please, this is not a piece of subtle irony. Not a chance if you read the whole wide-eyed letter. This man has very serious problems as do most of our leaders who walk like macho football coaches when cameras are in view and skip around when they think no one is looking.

Andrew E. Carlan
Farmingdale, New York

You can e-mail your comments to Andrew at acarlan@optonline.net.

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