OpinioNet Contributed Commentary

Abe Struse, JD, DJ, PTA, ADA, NRA, AAA, AA,

Editor and Founder. The letter is funded by the Marquis de Sade Foundation whose logo appears on all our literature.

Welcome to SOUSE CRAWL, the free weekly digest of health information from the Mayonnaise Clinic. For more of our reliable health information, go to the Mayonnaise Clinic’s home page. Thanks for subscribing to SOUSE CRAWL.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Video spotlight on MM clinic.com: * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * New in our Conditions Centers and Marine Corps Physical Conditioning Centers for men and women over 85. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * "Living and learning with ADHD" A family and two teachers share their experiences with attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder, the most commonly diagnosed behavioral disorder of childhood. It is a jumpy interview. Unfortunately, it could only last forty-five seconds as the two boys had to be coaxed from the window ledge of our main building, twenty-five stories up. But they got quite a view of Minnesota and into South Dakota. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * "Female body quiz: Facts and myths exposed" The female body has long intrigued testosterone overactive physicians and laymen alike, not necessarily in different ways either. Yesterday, world-famous gynecologist Lester Gripem was arrested while he was working on three female assistants in his Mayonnaise laboratory. Dr. Gripem’s appendages were operating independent of his thought process. Test your knowledge of this phenomenon. Is it a fantasy surrounding the female body which explains why so many hairy men become gynecologists?. We have provided some rather salacious close-ups to help you complete the test. Parents should supervise the appropriateness of this scientific experiment for their children. If your children reel off the answers and they are right, you better forget about the test. You have a bigger problem. It is called pregnancy. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * New Entries in our Diseases & Conditions Section * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * What is obesity? Obesity is a politically incorrect word for corpulent. Obesity is a disease in advanced nations, because the malleable definition makes it difficult to quantify without a radio telescope the size of the Hubbard telescope. Changes in the legal definition in the workplace outnumber diet roller coaster weight changes by 2000 to 1. The most recent change came as a result of a woman 250 lbs. overweight who won twin lawsuits last year in federal court. Since she needs two of everything, the judge instructed the jury to come in with two measures of damages. The tape measures couldn’t get around her waistline, so the jury punted. Since then Congress has made claims for obesity so difficult to prove you would have to be not only excessively obese but morbidly so to the point of obscene. Airlines and strip clubs risk suits if they turn down applicants as "too fat" who are in fact not "morbidly obese to the point of the obscene." See Svelte Nude Bar v. Reno (not city but Janet). Consult your doctor before you lose weight. A four month wait at the Mayonnaise Clinic Low-Fat Clinic reflects the condition nationally. A moderate weight loss is defined as one nobody can observe. Remember, avoid quick fixes, such as heavy use of amphetamines. You will loose weight, but a thin woman without a mind is a waste. A doctor down the hall just called out "of what?" * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * "What is gestational diabetes?" Sir Henry Domino, the great English farmer colonoscofist discovered this disease in a contest sponsored by England’s National Health Service. It needed just two more itsy bitsy diseases to justify an increase of 400% in its budget. Gestational diabetes is a form of diabetes indistinguishable from ordinary fatal diabetics. It just happens to occur during pregnancy. Controlling your blood sugar by totally stopping the consumption of blood during pregnancy can ensure you and your baby’s health. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * "What is rosacea?" An inflammatory skin condition characterized by an itching to repeat the Rosary ad infinitum ad nausem and causing unsightly red stains on fingertips. It is particularly unpleasant for the rare Protestant and Jewish women afflicted. They usually postpone diagnosis until it is it too late. At that point, no treatment is now known and their compulsion to convert to the Roman Catholic faith and become cloistered nuns is irreversible. Minor relief can reduce inflammation temporarily but the underlying causes of the affliction goes on to manifest the condition known as "Stigmata." * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * "What are bunions?" You’re kidding! You don’t know what a bunion is? In the Midwest it is the most popular quick breakfast devoid of any nutrition, a toasted bun with an onion slice. Bunions can cause great pain and pressure at the base of your big toe caused by dropping one. A key to relief is wearing roomier shoes and using disinfectant 4 or 5 times an hour. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Answers from Mayonnaise Clinic: * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * "Preventing bedsores" Humans aren’t the only victims of this painful condition. Birds too lazy to sleep in trees who spend the whole night on the ground lying on a favored side can also end up with bedsores and on as a crispy delicacy on a dinner platter. Respect your bed and your bed will respect you. Air it out often and flip it over once a month and side to side at least every three months. If you are too old or weak to do this, buy a commercial strength forklift to do the lifting and turning for you. How you get it into your sixth story apartment is another matter. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * "How does a peak flow meter predict an asthma attack? Believe me when that meter sends a 1 meg jolt of electricity into your body, you’ll have an attack and won’t be just asthma. Wait until you get your electric bill. If your asthma doesn’t kill you, your electric bill will. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * "What is carcinoid syndrome" Faking a fatal case of cancer to get admitted into one of the Home Care Centers of America hostles (sic), which has a two percent recovery rate although you learn songs and jokes while there. Their motto is "die laughing." * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * "What is chronic lymphocytic leukemia?" It is complaining about those little things in life that most people just ignore, as in the phrase "she is a chronic complainer. Always going on about her damned chronic lymphocytic leukemia. You’d think she was dying or something." Of course some people do die, but people are dying all the time. My Aunt Dottie died the other day walking her dog. He saw a spotted owl up a tree. They went for each other and met in the middle. Aunt Dottie was left hanging. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * "What’s a bone spur?" Trying to ride a horse in high heel shoes causes the symptoms. If the pain becomes unbearable for the woman, imagine how the horse must feel. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Mayonnaise Clinic Health Information - For Your Single Person Home Health Library * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Mayonnaise Clinic on Prostate Health At some point prostate disease afflicts most men. This easy-to-understand book focuses on three common conditions: prostatitis, benign prostatic hyperplasia (BPH) and prostate cancer. It’s a comprehensive guide to understanding and looking positively at prostate disease, viewing it as a friend, always at your side—whether left or right—rather than an enemy. Topics include: when to take a PSAT test, symptoms that often signify that time has come to write a will, factoids that increase the risk for disease, self-surgerical removing of small polyps, overcoming impotence by replacing your carburetor every 3000 miles at Ms. Goodwench and incontinence, by moving to a drier continent. A question of health? Mayonnaise is the answer. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO THIS MESSAGE. Souse crawl is sent to you from a mailer which does not have the simple intelligence to respond. To UNSUBSCRIBE to Souse crawl: 1. Go to http://www.Mayonnaise clinic.com/ 2. Enter your e-mail address, then click "unsubscribe." 3, Repeat the above three times within fifteen second intervals. 4. Call your ISP and complain that you cannot unsubscribe from Mayonnaise Clinic Healthletter 5. Your ISP will tell you the blunt truth. You can’t. "We had a subscriber who died 15 years ago. The Post Office continues to bill his successors $128 a month to maintain a mailbox necessary to receive this important health news. To SUBSCRIBE to Souse crawl: After the above, you really want to subscribe? 1. Go to http://www.Mayonnaise clinic.com/ 2. Enter your e-mail address, then click "subscribe." To notify us of a CHANGE in your e-mail address: Ninety percent of our subscribers are moved to their final resting place before they get a chance to move anywhere else. Therefore, we are sorry but we have no way of responding to changes in email addresses.

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