WASHINGTON THYME
December 11, 2001 

Very loosely adapted by Andrew E. Carlan, Esq.

Retirement mentioned for Army next year 

ASSORTED REPRESSIONS


The House Majority Leader, an advocate for tax cuts and smaller government, has 
told associates he may retire the entire army at the end of this term, a source 
close to the Texas lawmaker said last night. "This would be the pinnacle of my 
"Contract With America." 

He painted a vivid picture of prosperity just around the corner. We’ll save 
trillions wasted everyday in Afghanistan. Let’s return the money saved to our 
taxpayers. That’s the surest way of shortening this recession.

"We should have paid any price to nab Bin Laden when he was out shopping. Then, 
someone should have locked him in a 1982 Chevy in an empty parking lot. As luck 
would have it a B-1 bomber just happens to be overhead—Bin Laden’s. It happens to 
accidentally discharge a 5000 LB. dumb bomb on the car. No need to waste smart 
bombs to scrap a 1982 Chevy. Hey, accidents happen all the time when men and 
women in uniform are rubbing up so closely against each other. 

A decision to step on the Pentagon just when it’s recovering from the traumatic 
injury to its midriff on September 11th could open up a lively race among fellow 
Republicans eager to claim this war chest for good ol’ pork in their backyards. 
Democrats seemed to find the idea irresistible, especially Senator Tom Dashle. 
"I think it would be fun to tease Bush and see whether he takes the bait.".

The source, who spoke on the condition of being dumped somewhere in the rugged 
mountains of West Virginia to bleed to death, said the House Majority Leader had 
notified House Speaker J. Dennis Menace and other topsy Republicans that he may 
seek the recall of our entire armed forces overseas, including Afghanistan. 
"Frankly, I’d like to see the whole damn Pentagon carted off in mothballs to some 
high rent area in my district just for old times sake."

The Majority Leader’s spokes declined comment on the congressman’s possible plans, 
first reported last night on the Walrus Meat Journal’s Web site.

The Texas Republican played a key role promoting self-reliance by the Contract 
With America. Only the self-reliant ultimately said "Wait a minute!" That was 
when it dawned on them that the Contract meant them and not just the freeloaders 
down the street. "They sure mislead me in the 1994 midterm elections My
leadership was one of the shortest on record. "One reason I thought of this 
retirement plan is to get back at the whole damn Republican Party "who talk a 
good tune but when the moment comes to perform they can’t play one note."

A group of badly cut up feminists who smashed the glass ceiling cheered the 
opportunity this vacuum presents "to show how women handle a man’s job. We’ll 
march fully fatigued into this battle against the majority leader’s attempt to 
return woman to the dark ages when nobody cared for us. Men wouldn’t take out the 
garbage. Now they wouldn’t even die for us." General Judy Judy assured women "you 
will never be asked to leave your children on my watch." It appeared her watch 
had stopped the way she was nervously winding it. 

Andrew E. Carlan
Farmingdale, New York

You can e-mail your comments to Andrew at acarlan@optonline.net.

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Copyright © 2001 Andrew E. Carlan
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