God said: "Go Ahead, Ask Three Questions"

I

I got down on my knees and asked for the meaning of suffering.

There came a sudden crash, the sky opened and a fortune cookie fell to the ground. I pried open the cookie and inside I found this message:

The gods used man to make a maiden pregnant. She bore a peach pit, which she planted. It became an orchard full of luscious fruit. Thunder and lightening came. The lightening set the orchard on fire. In an instant it all turned to ash.

The moral of this story is the importance of grounding all electrical connections. Doctors and lawyers, plumbers and carpenters may have useful skills, but whenever you need electrical wiring call a licensed electrician who knows how to properly install a ground wire.

II

I was in my car in a strange city with twisting lanes and deadends. Suddenly, I realized I had lost all sense of direction. I prayed for divine guidance. There was a deafening silence and then night fell and it began to rain in buckets. I cursed the Creator.

Out of nowhere came a booming, disembodied voice: "What the hell are you bothering me about now?"

"Where am I," I pleaded, quivering with fright.

"You are exactly where you are supposed to be", came the answer.

"That’s not a very helpful answer." I said.

"Look, I’m a busy man", the creator replied. "Do you think I made myself in my divine and mysterious nature just to hang around and answer your stupid questions? This is not free technical support. I gave humans maps to help them find their way. I even update the world whenever I find bugs, like drawing lines of latitude and longitude. That’s more than that cheapskate Gates does for you. And you pay him for the program.

If you want more support from Me, you’ll have to wait for the next revision of my program. That will cost you big bucks. You think I work for nothing. I have bills to pay also."

If you can’t afford to pay for additional professional support, why do you think I created woman? Ask your insignificant other. See how smart she is when it’s a matter of life or death.

III

I begged the Supreme Being to tell me why we have to die. I was surprised at how quickly he answered the phone.

"This is God, what do you want now, pest?"

"Why do we have to die?"

"Because I need room for new people," God answered.

"Why do you need new people? You have us."

"Because I get tired of you people with expired software support overwhelming my technical support service."

This ministry is not associated with the American Bar Association, the American Automobile Association or the United States Coast Guard. We do receive small contributions from the Divided Way©, People With High Incomes and Low Esteem of Others For the American Way™, the National Encroachment on the Humanities and the American Association of Uni-Sex Women.

Andrew E. Carlan
Farmingdale, New York

You can e-mail your comments to Andrew at acarlan@optonline.net.

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