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OpinioNet Contributed Commentary - Amdrew Carlan, Esq.
Author: Andrew Carlan, Esq.
After "Travelgate" and "Pardongate," here comes "Lizgate" with Blunt Talk
Be sure to read the footnotes. This article has
been certified by the American Bar Association as sufficiently
anal retentive and boring to qualify as legitimate research. And
that was mainly because I stretched a lot of facts to write enough
footnotes to qualify. After all, what is a legal brief or a Women’s
Studies research paper tirade without the inventiveness of
footnotes? I finally found a web site that
tells the truth about fathers[1]. My father beat my siblings and me
up regularly. . . . . . at chess, tennis,
badminton, curling, Russian roulette, bronco riding, bungy-jumping,
etc. He even beat us to the dinner table. He had an appetite that
wiped out my mother (a little woman but with the cutest derriere,
well-rounded breasts and the devil’s wink in her piercing eyes.) He would come home from work and
lunge. No, not at her-- for the dinner table! Twice he did a
feint around her and made an incredible touchdown. He ate
everything and Mom had to cook a second meal for herself and us 14
kids. Dad wasn’t Catholic and had no
particular feelings about birth control[2].
He just needed to feel as virile with Mom as he was prolific at
the dinner table. He kept Mom pregnant and barefoot
for 44 years. It was his way of urinating on his property and
keeping away other prowling males[3]. You see, he traveled the globe.
Almost as soon as he married my mom, he left home for years on end[4]. And he was still a minor
when he married Mom-- a gold minor in the Kimberley fields in
South Africa. His is the only case I know of for keeping a wife
barefoot and pregnant by remote control[5]. We always knew he was pressing
her button when you saw her hop for no apparent reason at all.
Sometime the hopping would last for hours, always ending with a
wink from her flirtatious eyes[6]. We all eventually grew up.
That was a feat in itself, considering we had to fight the brute
for everything. He was your larger-than-life 1950’s male--
hirsute, with big bulging muscles and a broken nose. He turned every aspect of life
into a vicious and demeaning contest. Once he offered me a buck-and-a-half
if I could prove that any male could do the weekly marketing at
our local Ding Dong faster than any Mom. (And Mom was a speed
shopper, as well as a speed reader.) She had to be because in his
travels Dad sent only Western Union telegrams delivered by off-key
singing agents. If she didn’t get the message the first time,
she didn’t get it. And usually it included encrypted
instructions to where he had hidden the family budget for the
month. That was another of his contests,
to see if Mom could break his code. I’m telling you-- he was one
mean SOB! During the Second World War he spied for General George
“Macho”Patton infiltrating into the Nazi high command and
screwing up their complicated codes. Dad used to say that in some
strange way, those were his happiest days. He found his role so
natural to play that it hardly seemed a disguise to him.[7] He told me if I really wanted to
go to college so badly, he would give me seed money to build my
own college from a log cabin set you buy in the mail[8]. I was to hire the faculty
and get enough students to make the venture profitable. I was only
17 at the time. Today that institution of higher learning is MIT--
the only university in the world that grants advanced degrees in
baseball equipment technology.[9] He wears us all out. Three of my
sisters and two brothers have to take protein supplements twice a
day to keep from falling behind father in body building. The SOB
is still lifting weights at age 102 and runs a rig across country
twice a month[10]. My mom is still active, too. At
97, she reconditions old motor buses for the Smithsonian
Institution History of Transportation Museum.[11] My oldest sister, Hunk ( 24) is Chief
of Police in our town[12].
She runs a mighty tight ship. She is the youngest licensed bounty
hunter in the United States. She even arrested my father for
unsafe driving — the result or yet another of his
masculine-adolescent contests! They made a deal. If she could
catch him on his moped he would plead guilty and spend the night
in jail. She aced him by putting him away for two weeks. Those were the only two weeks our
family had to eat out because we couldn’t find where Dad had
hidden the budget. But we, in turn, outfoxed him by using his Visa
card to eat three meals a day at four star restaurants. Our town
is not particularly noted for luxury dining, so we flew to L.A.,
New York and Chicago.[13] When dad got out of jail and saw
his credit card balance of $4230, he divorced mom and disinherited
us kids. When the local judge awarded mom
$600 a week support, he busted the judge’s arm, organized a
local branch of the Reform Party and had her booted off the bench,
where he sits now twice a month from 9AM to 9:30AM[14]. He doesn’t allow any female
lawyers to appear before him. He tells them to go home and tend to
their kids[15].
The State Supreme Court has overridden most of his decisions. That
made him a celebrity in this moonshine state. Next year he plans
to run for a seat on the high court by advertising that the state
bar has ruled him unqualified[16]. He and Mom continue to live
together because it is cheaper than bar hopping. And us kids
learned enough grand larceny from dad to be completely
anti-social, heartless entrepreneurs. My brother Bill drove the
Salvation Army out of business in our state by reprocessing old
clothes with union labor cheaper than they could[17].
His stock has remained a great buy on the NASDAQ (while all the
others are disappearing below the horizon). Again, thanks to Nick
for putting down fathers. My dad told me to tell “Old
Nick” the devil that he is willing to challenge him to three
rounds of Indian hand wrestling. The loser takes his site off the
web.[18] Minerva J. Komquot [1]
Liz Notes http://www.gate.net/~liz/fathers/fathers.htm [2]
The view of a patriarchal church that woman is only good for
breeding. Shared by most other men, too, which is why they judge
a gal by her teeth. [3]
The prime male of most Simians (which includes human males)
urinates to establish his boundary. That is why we have nations
with Secretaries of State like Henry Kissinger (who still
cultivates a thick unintelligible Prussian accent although he
has been in the United States since he was seven years old). [4]
Don Donna Shalala’s Department of Stealth and Gruesome
Services produced statistics that prove that marriages in which
men are separated from their spouses last the longest,
particularly where the husband has died at the hands of his
wife. She now has to spend her life keeping the burial spot a
secret. Could she trust a new partner (same or opposite sex) not
to blackmail her? [5]
He had been known to press the wrong button and some woman in
Macedonia suddenly gave miraculous birth. Once he went to sleep
lying on the remote and the world suffered a 30% increase in
births nine months later. That is where the observation “Every
30 seconds a woman gives birth." That woman must be found
and stopped.” [6]
nym·pho·ma·ni·a (nîm´fe-mâ¹nê-e, -mân¹ye) noun.
Excessive sexual desire in a female. [New Latin :
Greek numphê, nymph + -mania.] — nym´pho·ma¹ni·ac´ (-nê-àk´)
adjective & noun. nym´pho·ma·ni¹a·cal (-me-nì¹e-kel)
adjective[6] [7]
By the time his wartime service was recognized, William
Jefferson Clinton occupied the Oral Office. Dad was approached
by one of Clinton’s aides who offered him the Congressional
Medal in exchange for a campaign contribution of $20,000. Dad
punched the aide and took his Rolex watch. For the next eight
years he had his income tax audited. [8]
That original building is now a national landmark, which houses
the Tennessee Oral History Library. Inmates from the nearby
psychiatric hospital pace the hallways reciting gibberish which
Women’s Studies students meticulously write down. Professor
Lou Mae Trussbender, chair of carpentry department at West
Southeastern Tennessee Jr. College, will be publishing this free
verse at some cost to the reader since Harper and Row will be
selling this minor masterpiece of 30 pages for $24.50. The
collection is bound enjoys very good sales (since all the Ivy
League colleges will use it as text in their mandatory
Anti-Western Civilization Required Course). [9]
Male readers interested in applying for the four-year Louisville
Slugger full scholarship should write to any of the Fathers Rights
extremists that appear on Liz Gates’ valuable web site for
further information and an application. Her page is valuable
because it saves the Louisville Slugger Company from having to
hire Nick, who doesn’t come cheap except to Liz, to design a
web site for her. [10]
A year ago August dad was hurtling down Interstate 95 in Florida
when he hit Liz full bore. His truck was a total loss and he was
laid up for three months. Liz walked away from the collision,
but is now suing dad for $30 trillion for emotional distress,
based on recent California cases in which delicate women got
millions for sympathetic juries for unwanted “breezing by.” [11]
Mom is chairman of the Tennessee Women for the Right to Carry
Sharp Instruments and the Woman’s Auxillary of the National
Rifle Association. Mom prefers to carry really long fingernails.
During the 2000 Presidential campaign, Gore switched sides four
times on the issue. Bush didn’t quite grasp the issue, getting
caught on the word “Instruments.” Finally when it was
explained to him what it meant, he said that sure sounds
compassionate to me. Luckily he carried the state or China today
would be occupying Taiwan. [12]
Hunk filed suit with the Tennesee Equal Rights Commission
because she flunked the physical to become a fire and water
person in Nashville. The Commission decided that being able to
open a fire hydrant was not necessary to the job since most of
the hydrants in Nashville didn’t work anyway. Settlement talks
with the city lead to a choice between taking $300 in damages or
getting out of town and taking the job of Police Chief in Smoky
Skunk. She witlessly choice the later. [13]
He reported this unauthorized use of his card. But the Tennessee
Insolvency Court for Discharging Menses found that Mom suffered
temporary insanity. Although she researched all the restaurants
we ate at, the court declared that such apparent lucid behavior
is sometimes associated with women. [14]
Dad believes that chronic complainers should at least be made to
get up early in the morning and learn to speak in short
sentences. [15]
That unleashed a frenzy of demonstrations and
counter-demonstrations. The female lawyers’ kids drew the
largest and noisiest crowd, chanting, “We want our mothers out
of the house all day so we can have a piece and quiet.”
Strangely, their mothers agreed. [16]
You didn’t think dropping the American Bar Association’s
rating of federal judges came full-blown out of G.W.’s head?
He read about dad’s campaign in “Mercenary Magazine” for
February 2001, pp 21-21 1/2 [17]
Fortunately for my nasty brother, the Salvation Army is
associated with the bigoted right, therefore the bigoted
American Snivel Liberties Union ignored the case. Organized
labor also stated that religion had no place at work except as
calculation of as many holidays are workers can justify (particularly
in the US Postal Service). [18]
Nick quickly turned my dad down, saying Indian wrestling is the
same sort of objectionable macho test of strength as Monday Night
Football (which causes a statistical spike in domestic violence).
When the source of this statistic admitted it was a figment of
their fetid imagination, Nick (quick as the devil he is named
for) argued, "Even if it isn’t correct, it should be."
Andrew Carlan
You can e-mail your comments to Andrew at acarlan@optonline.net.
Please visit Andrew Carlan’s Website
Copyright © 2001 -Published with permission
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