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OpinioNet Contributed Commentary - Amdrew Carlan, Esq.
Author: Andrew Carlan, Esq.
Make your own Easter Eggs
Some might say this not the time for such scatological humor. If humor is the best medicine and most sensible people think it is, this is precisely the time. Also, the scatological is merely peripheral to the main object being ridiculed, our stupid belief that once we know anything about genetics we can go ahead and create full-blown human beings.
No more hassle rushing around fighting crowds at the last minute because you forgot the messy ingredients to make them the old-fashioned way.
Even if you don’t celebrate Easter, you are going to be able to produce simply, every time, without mess or bother gorgeous works of art in this medium that for the first time match the luster of Faberge’s splendor that today only museums and wealthy private collectors can afford.
In your own home, thanks to the miracle of science Egg-O® puts the power of truly artistic egg production within reach. Like snowflakes, each egg you produce is unique. Just five minutes on the pot says Mrs. K.N. of Kansas City "and I squeezed thousands of dollars worth of these jewels out. Even though I lost one movement because my hillbilly husband flushed the toilet when I got up" has jaded my enthusiasm for this natural method of producing unbelievable wealth."
No embarrassing and expensive surgical implants. Safe for both men and women and even children over the age of five. Follow the simple instructions on the bottle you receive in the mail and reveal a hitherto hidden ability that can make you thousands of dollars and be a source of endless fascination for family and friends.
The best news of all is that one treatment lasts a lifetime or until you decide to reverse the process with our companion product Egg-Out®. Those who have experienced problems disposing of waste or who take laxatives should not use this product without discussing it with their plumber.
Either product can be yours for three easy payments of $249.95. If you order in the next twenty seconds, we will include Lights-Out®, a free at-home DNA test that will analyze you in minutes for thousands of dormant killers and find the ones that will cripple you and cause a slow, agonizing death or leave your family impoverished from the costs of your terminal care.
Eastern and Russian Orthodox celebrants can get our "Egg-O Julian" for the same low price.
This offer will never again be repeated as this low, low introductory price. Due to harsh FDA requirements we are forced to bear a crippling overhead moving to places that have no extradition treaties with the United States.
Use your ordinary credit card over a secure telephone connection to our service operators constantly roaming off-shore on five of the six continents. The charge will appear on your credit statement as "Untraceable Account #736" Sorry, orders from Africa cannot be processed at this time.
Loose Canon
We are members of the Rogue Nations Bitter Business Bureau. Any dispute involving our product can be submitted to arbitration by appearing before one of our summary courts closest to your home country. And we are everywhere.
LATE-BREAKING NEWS:
Sorry, due to momentary world-wide instability, we accept cash only contrary to instructions above. Call the number above and you will receive instructions where to send your first payment of $249.95. Sorry, but under present unpredictable conditions we cannot deliver your product until the entire price of $749.85 plus $400 S&H has been received and processed.
Andrew E. Carlan
Mr. Carlan is practicing lawyer with a website on New York divorce and custody commentaries as well as essays of more general interest. He is also a regular columnist for several other websites. His articles have appeared in Newsday, the New York Times and he writes regularly for the Nassau Lawyer You can e-mail your comments to Andrew at acarlan@optonline.net. Please visit Andrew Carlan’s Website About Andrew Carlan, Esq. Copyright © 2001 Andrew E. Carlan -Published with permission © 2001 by OpinioNet(tm), All Rights Reserved |