You are all familiar with the story of the Ten Plagues in the Bible. The problem is that the story is a bit old and out of date. Hence we thought we would bring you the new updated and modern, progressive version of the story, known as

The Oslo Ten Plagues

And Shimon heard voices speaking to him from the Bush and coming from the sky, telling him to go see the Big Man in Charge of the Government. But I am of uncircumcised lips, protests Shimon to the voices, and have some doubts about the rest of my anatomy as well, so I had better take along Yossi Beilin of Soft Tongue and send ahead of us the Pundak-Hirshfeld donkeys to make our case.

So the next morning Shimon and Beilin set off, along with all of the elders of the Labor Party, although Rashi explains that the elders dropped away in fear one by one once they discovered what Shimon had in mind. Shimon corners the Big Man in Charge of the Government while he is taking a wizz by the waters and says, you know what Arik, let’s give the Palestinians their own state in the middle of our country and provide them with weapons and money and invite them to send their chariots into our cities. Fuggedaboudit, says the Boss. But we gotta let those people go and set up a terrorist state in our suburbs, insists Shimon, because that is what the voices I hear keep telling me. We gotta let the people go and do it. SO YOU GOTTA let my people go (and set up their state).

Out of the question, says the Boss. Well, in that case you leave me with no choice, says Shimon. He waves his magic Oslo wand and suddenly the streets of the cities are flowing with BLOOD everywhere. It is the first of the plagues. That is your magic?, asks the boss. Hell, any set of magicians can fill the streets with blood, but you promised peace. So where is the peace?

After seven days of intifada atrocities, the blood in the streets is overwhelming and the Boss says, well, just maybe - if we have now seven days of quiet. No deal, screams Shimon, who again catches the Boss while he is down wizzing. You gotta LET MY PEOPLE GO and set up a terrorist Canaanite state in our suburbs!. No way, says the Boss. So Shimon points his wand and fills the newspapers and TV stations of the land with ugly leftist frogs. There are frogs EVERYWHERE. You cannot escape them. The media are filled with their croakings. It is the second plague.

The noise is deafening, but the Boss Man - who does not read anything anyway - says that it is no big deal, even his own party rank and file know how to make frog sounds. Oh yeah?, says Shimon, and he shakes his wand at the dust. Suddenly the entire country is filled with annoying little gnats and insects that get into everyone’s hair. These Knesset gnats are led by the Queen Gnat, one Ahmed Tibi, and they promise to pester the country to death with their buzzing in the service of the great Shimon. It is the third plague.

SO now will you let my people GO and set up a terrorist army in the suburbs of our cities?, asks the Teacher of the New Middle East. Not on your life, answers the Boss. Even my own party magicians could not stooped that low, to conscript the gnats in their service.

Well, then, you asked for it. Shimon then orders in the big nasty beasts, trade union wildebeests, who run around the country destroying things. It is the fourth plague. The Boss surrenders to the Histadrut beasts and their leaders on economic issues, but still is unwilling to led Shimon’s people go and set up a terrorist state. We will let them have their own flag and currency, ok, offers the Boss helpfully, but still says they have to behave themselves seven days before they can have their own state.

Your stiff-necked obstinacy will be the doom of us all, says Shimon. We will next strike the country with disease and boils by imposing the National Health Insurance Law on the country and by propping up the Histadrut-run Sick Fund. It is the fifth and sixth plagues. Na na na na, says the Boss.

Ok, says Shimon. Tomorrow will begin the hailstorm. Our peace partners will produce a hail of mortar shells that will rain down on your cities from the sky. It is the seventh plague. But some of the people in the country who were faithful to Shimon hid their possessions and families in safety in Ramat Aviv and Kfar Shemaryahu and so were spared.

On with the show, says Shimon. Tomorrow we will bring forth a plague of locusts, that is, the well-wishers from the EU and from other countries who will finance the peace partners from MY CANAANITE PEOPLE and the various cult groups of magicians who support my policies here in Goshen. It is the eighth plague. But the Boss is still playing tough.

Ok, says, Shimon, if you refuse to let my people go and set up a terrorist state in your suburbs, I will have to stop playing Mister Nice Guy!

Next, my party and I will produce total darkness. In the school system of course. We will produce an entire generation that is in the dark about everything except how wonderful Oslo and Labor Party socialism are. It is the ninth plague.

I am ready to fold, says the Boss, just make sure the terrorists say they will stop stealing our cars. You raising new obstacles to peace again?, screams Shimon. Off with the gloves!

There is only one way we can get what we want for our people, namely a terrorist state in the suburbs of the cities of the Boss, says Shimon. We must fill the country with the Angel of Death. We must bring in Oslo suicide bombers who will kill the first-born on the buses. We must arm the terrorists, who will kill not only the Boss’s people’s own first-born, but even the first-born of their Bedouin and Druse slave-partners. It will be my greatest achievement EVER! It will be the crowning achievement of a career devoted to letting MY people go and set up their own Canaanite terrorist state. It will produce a New Middle East, where people will at last accept the inevitable and bow down to the great Oslo Golden Calf.

The End.

(chazak chazak)

Steven Plaut

You can e-mail your comments to Steven at splaut@econ.haifa.ac.il

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Copyright © 2002 by Steven Plaut.
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-Published with permission