Just when things in the world of Judaism seem to be hopeless, along comes some remarkable news to cheer us all up.

Friends, it is now official. Mick Jagger and Eric Clapton are getting interested in kabbala, or Jewish mysticism.

You see, they are following in the hoofsteps of Madonna, who has been going to kabbala classes in Miami. And when I heard that Mick and Eric were getting into kabbala, I could not contain myself and ran to tell my teenage daughter, whose response was, Mick who? Never have I felt so middle aged.

Now this of course follows some earlier news stories of R&B greats getting into Jewish stuff. There was that news story in the British press insisting that Elvis Presley had been Jewish. This led to rumors that his song "Don’t Step on My Blue Suede Shoes," had originally been referring to his blue suede tallis bag. And the song, Ain’t Nothin But a Hound Dog originally had lyrics, "Ain’t Nothin but a Hotdog, Hebrew National all the way."

And later there were the stories about Michael Jackson getting into the Jew stuff. I have pasted below an earlier posting I sent out on this subject to jolt your own receding memories.

But back to Mick and Eric. I mean, Tikkun magazine has been referring to them as Rabbi Mick and Rabbi Eric for years, right up there with Rabbi Cheech and Rabbi Chong. In the case of Clapton, things are simpler, because he simply has to change the name from his reconstructed heavy-metal group from "Cream" to "Milchik". But Jagger?

Well, Jagger’s got his work cut out for him. We have learned that he plans to re-record some earlier Rolling Stones hits with new lyrics:

"You Can’t Always Get what You Want" has been changed to "You Can’t Always Eat What You Want".

"Gimme Shelter" is now "Gimme Succah".

"2000 Light Years from Home" is now "5761 Light Years from Home".

"Mother’s Little Helper" still goes by the same name, but is no longer about drugs.

But I have to reveal to you my own private theory about all this. Remember how there is a Seinfeld episode about a dentist who converts to Judaism for the jokes? ("Does this offend you as a Jew," Jerry is asked and responds, "No it offends me as a comedian.")

Well, I think that maybe Mick is getting interested in Judaism because of certain staples of the Jewish diet.

You see, Mick is pushing 70 and having, well, certain gastro phenomena for which chulent is a proven remedy. How did I come to this conclusion? Has to do with the lyrics to the new song that has replaced "Can’t Get No Satisfaction".

So turn up the woofers, and get ready to get down. Sing along with the new Jewish Seniors Rolling Gallstones:

"I can’t get no metamucil,

"I can’t get no bowel reaction,

"Though I’ve tried and I’ve tried and I’ve tried and I’ve tried,

"Can’t get no, oh no no no!"

There are reports out this week that yet another Hollywood entertainer is suddenly interested in Judaism. The newest one though is none other than Michael Jackson. This is the same Jackson who recorded a couple of years back a song featuring the words "Kike Me, Jew Me," which triggered a storm. At the time the head of the Anti-Defamation League, Abe Foxman, added Jackson to his list of Hollywood anti-Semites being granted papal absolution by Foxman, earning him his current nickname, the Twentieth Century Foxman.

Jackson’s sudden interest in Judaism comes after the other highly publicized cases of entertainers taking an look into Jewish mysticism, including Madonna and Roseanne Barr. It is all part of a larger wave of Hollywood airheads getting "into" religion, which includes Richard Gere=s adoption of Buddhism and John Travolta’s levitating the molecules in his butt over to the Scientology "church". In Jackson’s case, he has reportedly approached the controversial Rabbi Shmuel Boteach for "spiritual counseling". Boteach used to be a Rabbi at Oxford University, with ties to the Lubavitch movement, but is most famous these days for his saucy popularizing and discussing of Jewish attitudes towards sex (including an interview in Playboy).

Jackson’s sudden interest in Judaism raises a number of questions, not least regarding the anti-Semitic song he recorded earlier. SO let me give you my reading of this new "Jewish" Michael Ben-Yaakov.

First of all, Mikey’s "Kike Me, Jew Me" song appears in retrospect to be a desperate call to Reb Boteach to connect him to Judaism. Jackson=s constant grabbing of his crotch while singing has to do with his contemplation of that rite of passage necessary for any male to join Judaism and the fears it must arouse. Suppressed for decades is the fact that the REAL original unabridged name of the Jackson Five was the Jackson Fivebooksofmoses. And all that hanging around with twelve year olds that earned Jackson his reputation as a pederast? Why, he was just attending with them Bar Mitzvah lessons, that is all.

And what about Jackson’s famous series of surgeries and medical douches, the ones that have produced of him a creature of ambiguous racial and gender identity? Friends, this was nothing more than the consequence of Jackson studying the Scroll of Ruth from the Bible and then, well, deciding that he wishes to look like Ruth.

Copyright © 2000 by Steven Plaut.
All Rights Reserved.

-Published with permission