So I was flipping through the channels after George Bush’s State of the Union speech. When I stopped at CNN, I became confused. There was Jeff Greenfield and Judy Woodruff sagely pondering the merits of this historic event. Between them was the smooshy Aaron Brown. Something just wasn’t right. In a stark contrast to Greenfield’s sharp insights and the ultra-professionalism of Woodruff, Brown was laying back in his chair, one arm draped suggestively towards the lovely Ms. Woodruff. He looked like, well, a lounge lizard in a cheap piano bar.

Since when did we start broadcasting network news from a pickup joint? In the middle of a war, with a serious president and a serious nation, Brown was the antithesis of the classic news anchor. All he needed was a few gold chains and a rayon print shirt with three buttons open, and the shtick would be complete. Any moment, it seemed Brown might slide an inch closer to Woodruff, offer a Mai Tai and murmur, "Hey, Baby what’s your sign?"

Suddenly it hit me like a leisure suit in a GQ layout: CNN has "jumped the shark."

The network that cut its teeth in Desert Storm has belly-flopped into a format fit for a college AV club. How can CNN screw up cable news? Easy. When CNN execs had the market cornered, they placed ideology over professionalism. The hard-hitting reputation eventually gave way to blatant liberal blather. Competitors filled the vacuum with real news, and one morning CNN execs woke up to a sinking ship, with sharks circling.

I can envision the CNN bigwigs dragging the troops into the war room"Fox just passed us! Matthews is right behind! WHAT DO WE DO???" A pause "I got it! Instead of ’hard hitting’, we’ll take the ’laid back’ approach! We’ll hire Aaron Brown, call him sexy, or something. Hey, that sweater thing worked for Rather. No more serious stuff!!! Brown will SCHMOOZE with everyone. Yeah, THAT’S IT!!! Whaddaya say?" The stunned $23,000-a-year staffers no doubt looked at each other, and blurted, "Yeah, boss, Brilliant! BRILLIANT!!!!" And thus, CNN strapped on the waterskis and ... well you know the rest.

I’m sure similar meetings took place when equally brilliant "I Dream Of Jeannie" producers had a stroke of genius and married Jeannie and Major Nelson. In the heartless world of television news, CNN’s touchy-feely experiment proves they are high and dry, out of ideas.

But we all saw the shark, didn’t we? Think about it. CNN changed their screen appearance to copy MSNBC. They hired a Playboy bimbo. They even threatened to bring on Rush Limbaugh. Their morning show has the pizzazz of a cold bowl of Cream of Wheat. Then came the Paula Zahn zipper fiasco. What’s next, a news anchor who sidles over to the co-host and coos, "Hey, baby your place or mine?" CNN hasn’t merely jumped the shark. They red-lined the motor and screamed up the ramp, over the shark, over the crowd and past the popcorn stand, wrecking somewhere in the parking lot near the beach.

I don’t want to spank Aaron Brown too hard. After all, he’s probably a sensitive guy and all that. His mush-mouth drivel probably works great if you’re doing the Sunday afternoon blather on PBS. But real news? Network news? Especially the Mother of All News Shows? During wartime? CNN was once the top predator in the news ocean. Now, MSNBC clearly hits harder. Fox News caught and passed everyone with the "fair and balanced" concept. CNN has become a shrinking fish in a big pond.

Of course, bad TV shows live on in syndication. But news has no reruns. It’s old in 10 minutes. Once network news jumps the shark, the end is near. And there’s no turning back.

Tom Adkins

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Tom Adkins is publisher of commonconservative.com

Copyright © 2002 by Tom Adkins.
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