Let him stay! That’s right, all you rabid right-wingers. Republicans should go out of our way to keep Baldwin right here in the good ol’ USA.

Why? Because his rants remind everyone what a bunch of lying, despicable hypocrites Democrats have become. Could conservatives ask for a greater favor?

And don’t limit our invitation to Fat Alec Baldwin. We should ask…no, demand every liberal stay in America…and keep talking!

In fact, we should ask Rosie O’Donnel to keep screaming hysterically about gun control while surrounded by bodyguards, armed to the teeth. Ted Turner’s anti-Christian blather should become a TV series. And how could we replace Ted Koppel’s pompous pouting over David Letterman threat to snatch the time slot away from his flaccid program?

Conservatives should encourage Jesse Jackson to keep his racial extortion campaign going and have a few more illegitimate children while he’s at it. We should even hire someone to make daily phone calls to Jackson, Al Sharpton, Maxine Waters, Sheila Jackson Lee, and all the other race pimps, and remind them to blame whitey for something before the 6 o’clock news. And we desperately need rich white liberals like Alec Baldwin to keep lying to black America about the 2000 Florida election, when Democrats created a rickety ballot system, committed massive voter fraud, tried the steal the election, and then hilariously blamed Republicans.

We sure appreciate Bill Clinton hanging around to remind us how sick Democrats have become. Feminists should set up a booth outside his house, offering "One free grope." Jimmy Carter always reminds us what happens when an arrogant liberal President and a socialist liberal Congress get the keys to the candy store, and Robert McNamara’s face recalls how Democrats force America to pay for their foreign policy disasters with body bags of our sons and daughters.

We should encourage Ted Kennedy to drive off a bridge at least once a year, drunk as a skunk. If another campaign worker gets knocked off in the process, so much the better. Then, Republicans should encourage Massachusetts to once again rig their judiciary system just to keep Ol’ Schnopps-Nose around for a repeat performance.

We need Michael Moore’s fan club to keep fawning over him and buying his books, just so we know how many brain-dead communist dolts are still out there. If only Tom Daschle and Dick Gephart could be kept in a bottle, liberal fossils forever, to remind future generations how vapid and soulless the Democrat party has become. And whatever we do, we MUST keep James Carville talking. As for Al Gore? Well, we just need him to be Al Gore. And in case any liberals run out of breath, we could always ask the French to pinch-hit. After all, their talking points are pretty much the same and they’re always happy to oblige.

Alec, Rosie, Bill, Jesse, and all their friends do a great service for Republicans: They remind America just how badly liberals have sold their souls as their ideology crumbles around them. And they also remind Americans just how right conservatives have always been. If all the liberals leave, how else will we warn future Americans of the stupidity and hypocrisy of liberalism?

Thirty years from now, some kids will walk by a few haggard liberals, lingering on a street corner, begging for respect. "Hey, kids…tax the rich! Long live Marx! Here’s a few condoms!" Then, Mom will come along and whack the vagrants with her umbrella. "Keep away from my children!!!" Johnny will ask, "Mom, will those bad people hurt me?" "Not if you pay attention, son…." And once again, liberals will have fulfilled their duty.

So please, Alec…stay. Rosie? Whine louder. Dick? Tom? Bill? Keep up the good work! All the money the GOP spends every election can’t come up with stuff this good.