Somebody asked me to write a witty article on the Florida election. Something scathing. Brilliant. A great tome that would make my conservative friends smirk, and make those liberal rascals steam. You know, something ... funny. So here’s my list of funny things from the elections.

I thought it was funny how a bunch of blue-hairs in Palm Beach pretended to be helpless and feeble, supposedly confused by the same Rube Goldberg voting machine they’ve used for 35 years. This begat the orchestrated bogus "excuse" to ask for a re-count.

Really funny.

I was rolling when Captain Irony, William Daley soulfully mourned about fair and accurate recounts as an army of Democrat lawyers, experts in manipulating elections, swarmed into Florida to harass local administrators into massaging the ballots to favor Al Gore.

That’s a gas.

After the machine re-count didn’t create a Gore victory, we were introduced to the famous "chad," that little sliver of paper that Republican observers discovered could be easily manipulated to create or ruin ballots as needed. I watched a fraud-ridden hand re-count conducted by Democrat election boards in heavy Democrat counties. Local Democrat Irving Slosberg even got caught with a ballot-punching machine in the trunk of his car. But when it looked like these shenanigans still wouldn’t produce enough Gore votes, they even changed the rules to include "pregnant" or "dimpled" chads. Eventually, local Democrats even allowed themselves to divinely guess the intent of the voter, usually for Gore.

That’s really funny, too.

Eventually, they ran out of time. Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris certified the election, claiming George Bush the winner. Suddenly, these great social justice Democrat crusaders viciously attacked Harris for her make-up, her dress, her age and all sorts of meaningless but nasty personal things. Ironically, she was - and still is - the only significant participant who adhered to the law. Yet, the attacks continue to this day.

I’m rolling on the floor.

When Harris completed her job correctly, Gore lost. Then the all-Democrat Florida Supreme Court sprang into action. They unilaterally created a case from thin air, dragging all parties in for a hearing. In one of the most egregious examples of naked partisan judicial activism in American history, they granted an extension beyond Florida law so vote-counting dirty work could continue.

I’m in tears over that one.

During all of this, an army of Gore lawyers waged a systematic, orchestrated effort to eliminate Bush-laden absentee military ballots. The servicemen and women who offer their lives for our right to vote were denied their vote by those who feigned concern for fair and accurate vote counting. Even Bob Carey, Medal of Honor Vietnam vet, got in on the act. Meanwhile, dozens of convicted felons all over the state voted.

What a laugher, eh?

It was hilarious watching Gore dig up silly lies during the campaign. It was a hoot watching Joe "the Conscience of the Senate" Lieberman abandon almost every political position he held and morph into a spineless slug when he became Gore’s VP choice. As these men have instigated this "President by Lawsuit" campaign, the American voting process has lost its sense of dignity and trust. But who can blame Democrats for trying to abuse the court system? After all, from golfing gimps to Roe v. Wade, Democrats have sued their way past the ballot box for decades. Why not the presidency?

It’s always funny watching Democrats contort themselves to get votes. Over the last 20 years, they have abandoned almost every principle for political power. The party of the working man now supports NAFTA and GATT. The party of feminists now accepts the right of powerful men to drag American women into hotel rooms and assault them. The party of FDR now defends a president who trades missile guidance secrets for political campaign cash, and the VP who helped launder it. The lying, the cheating, the selling out and the unwillingness to accept loss with fairness and dignity has been a hallmark of the Democrats for decades. Nation be damned for political expedience, this is the pinnacle of achievement for the Democrat party.

Someday in the future, I have no doubt folks will look at this and laugh.

Aren’t you laughing? It’s sure killing me ...

You can e-mail your comments to Tom at Coolhair1@aol.com.

Copyright © 2000 by Tom Adkins.
All Rights Reserved.

-Published with permission