Date: January 9, 2002
"Beneath the Surface" The Things That Truly Matter Most
As one who uses the Internet daily, I get to read a lot of newspapers and magazines. The Washington Post, The Washington Times, The New York Times, The Dallas Morning News, TIME, Newsweek and U.S. News and World Report are among some of the many that I read. I do this sometimes to stay up to speed on life, and in some cases, I get a good idea or two out of it. Yesterday’s Washington Post had an article that hit the spot with me quite nicely as I identified with it in more ways than I initially thought.
In an article titled "Wedding Cake For the Soul", Jennifer Frey talks about how attitudes towards marriage have changed over the last little while. Sitcoms are friendlier to the idea, such as Monica doing it on "Friends" as an example. Elsewhere you look around and see others who were once long-time confirmed singles settling down, marrying and having children of their own. Remember a few years ago when Annette Bening bagged Warren Beatty, one of Hollywood’s most confirmed bachelors? Even Gloria Steinem got in on the act earlier this year by becoming a first-time bride at age 66 in a private ceremony in Oklahoma. The culture where singleness was celebrated and supposedly envied seems to be gone, and not a moment too soon.
In my lifetime, I have been single and I have been married, and I enjoy marriage a lot more. I had an extended interval between marriages as a single man, and while there were good times, there was also that almost constant longing for a companion with whom I desired to share the balance of my life. I felt (correctly in my case) that my potential was incomplete without a companion for a number of reasons. One of them was that there’s nothing like knowing that there will always be someone there for you and a chance for you to always be there for that someone. You are given a golden opportunity to place the needs of another person above your own and to have them willing to so the same for you. The sharing, caring and nurturing are such that it elevates your life to a whole new level.
As a married man, I have found myself much happier, more fulfilled and living up to a greater degree of my potential than when I was single. My first marriage was in college, and that did wonders for my GPA, which had been teetering before the wedding. What can I say? I loved going to parties and was not as diligent as I should have been at my studies, and as a married man, I found that studying was much easier and not just because others were depending on you.
One fact of life that all people need to face up to is that the world is still basically made for couples and families. When I am out of town for whatever reason, such as when I make a trip to New York, Washington, Baltimore, Chicago, St. Louis, Denver, Salt Lake City, Los Angeles or wherever, I feel a bit awkward when I am getting something to eat, and they ask me "A table for how many, sir?" and I answer "One." It makes me feel like the Maytag® repairman and we all know how lonely he is!
When I got married in 1993, my wife and I decided that she would not work outside the home. This made sense in that she had not worked since late 1985, just before her oldest daughter from her first marriage was born. In addition, we share the belief that there is no nobler profession than honorable motherhood. At the time she and I married, her daughters were seven and just under five. We have since added a little boy of our own who is now just a little under five himself, and I can tell you that the joy which has come into my life with his birth has surpassed any of my wildest dreams and expectations. While I love all of my children - and that includes my wife’s daughters from her first marriage, I believe that I am more appreciative of him, especially in the light of the difficulties and complications my wife had to endure for the majority of her pregnancy with him.
I have had the experience of dealing with singles and married people throughout my life. As a young Marine at 17, I had the opportunity to see fellow Marines of all ages and their spouses somewhat up close and get a better understanding of the dynamics of their relationships that later helped me when I married. As an adult in my mid-twenties to early thirties, I saw even more clearly the things I both sought after and had to offer in a relationship, particularly if that were to involve a marriage commitment. As a practicing member of my faith, my belief is that marriage does not end with the death of either partner, but can continue beyond the grave.
While I by no stretch of the imagination have learned all that there is to the dynamics of marriage, I will spend the rest of my life seeking to better understand how to make marriage better - not only for myself, but for others as well to the extent that I am allowed.
Timothy Rollins
You can e-mail your comments to Timothy at tim@opinionet.com
About Timothy Rollins.
Copyright © 2000, 2002 by Timothy Rollins. -Published with permission
This article originally appeared on November 3, 2000 and is re-run with Tim’s permission.
AUTHOR’S NOTE: This column is dedicated to a friend, who on reading this column the first time it ran 14 months ago, expressed complete surprise that I would write it given that I was going through a divorce at the time. I explained to her that despite whatever difficulties I may have had in my own life, that the problem was not in marriage itself, but rather, what the individual parties put into the relationship and that the institution of marriage itself was larger than the parties within it. Given that she is in her late 20’s, it is hoped that time will only deepen her appreciation for some of the items I have touched on in this article.
OpinioNet Contributed Commentary - Timothy Rollins <tim@opinionet.com>
Another reason is that I believe that the only place for legitimate sexual expression is within marriage, and not just for purposes of procreation. It is something to be enjoyed, cherished and looked forward to as often as individual circumstances and mutual personal desire allow. It is also not too wise to wait too long for marriage either. Dr. Laura Schlessinger (pictured, right) has said repeatedly on her radio show, "No marriage before age 30". While I generally like Schlessinger, I do not believe that advice has widespread application at all. In a previous column, I mentioned that many of my friends and I from high school and college married in our early to mid-twenties. Of the over 300 friends and colleagues that married, over 90 percent of us are still on our first marriages – so much for sweeping broad generalizations. What’s more, it’s not realistic to expect the general population as a whole to remain virgins until they’re 30. Nature and curiosity generally get the better of the majority of them, unless they have deep religious or moral convictions that keep them on the straight and narrow, and even those get challenged.
Dr. Laura
Times are changing in the societal attitudes towards marriage. Even the June issue of Cosmopolitan mentions that the twenty-something woman longs not for a big-city career outside the home, but wedded bliss as happy homemaker; she is - as described in one couple’s case - in search of "a full-time stint as his housefrau." My first wife was a wonderful woman who worked the swing shift while I went to school. I took care of our little boy, did my homework, studied and got ready for midterms and finals after I put him down in his crib for the night. Although we split up about the time I finished school, I was nonetheless left feeling that her having worked outside the home may have been a contributing factor in the failure of the marriage in addition to the areas where I failed as well.
Wedding couple, Reuters
This article may not be reproduced in any form without the expressed written consent of its author.
Read other commentaries by Timothy Rollins.
All Rights Reserved.
© 2002 by OpinioNet(tm), All Rights Reserved