I Ain’t Got Nobody

This is my debut column for Lesstrogen Magazine and the title is taken from the second half of the David Lee Roth hit single of 1985. For those of you who know me from either The American Partisan or OpinioNet Magazines, you will see somewhat of a departure from the style of my work there.

I have had a very interesting last two years and change in my life, going through a separation and imminent divorce. In many ways, it has been good for me as I have experienced new levels of personal growth I never dreamed possible. It has also had its down sides too.

When you think about it for a minute, you realize that the world is made for couples and families. If you’re over 30, single and male, people look at you more than a little strangely. You’re suspected of being gay, a mama’s boy, some kind of asexual being from another world, or even worse, an out-and-out loser if you’ve never been married by that time. You’re also seen as eccentric or someone who “has something wrong with them”, unless of course you’re either a priest or monk of some sort.

On the other hand, women over 30 and single are seen as strong, independent and successful professional career women as glamorized in the series “Sex and the City”, now entering its fourth season on HBO for reasons I suppose only God can understand. I suppose the main reason for its popularity is that when you get right down to it, it’s just soft-core porn in prime time.

I remember watching about five minutes of it one night. Kim Cattrall (the blonde) plays the man-hungry one of the foursome. All her character seems to need in a man is a pulse and of course, his “original equipment”. In the scene I saw, she was at a gym of some sort taking a class and was doing stretching exercises not unlike the ones I did when I was an athlete. While she was doing this exercise, she looked at a guy and mouthed the words, “Wanna f***?” The man smiled, nodded his head and they quickly excused themselves. Figuring that this was going to be the general tone of the entire show, I changed the channel to CNN and watched Sports Tonight. Sorry folks, but I’m a player and not a spectator. With three children of my own, I don’t need visual instructions, and even though I’m out of circulation right now and have been for over two years, the memories are still fresh and vivid in just about every imaginable corner of my mind.

I travel to New York regularly and I often eat at restaurants while there. In many cases the hostess approaches me and asks, “A table for how many, sir?” – and I answer, “One.” Two things happen at this point –first, I am made to feel like the Maytag® repairman, and we all know how lonely he feels, and then I am looked upon as what would generously be described as a cultural oddity of sorts – a freak if you will.

Single women - especially single mothers have all kinds of public acceptance and generous sympathy extended towards them – not to mention extensive social supports, whereas single men over 30 and especially over 40 are seen as losers. Why is this? Primarily because people are too damned judgmental and narrow-minded to consider that there may be reasons for the man’s singleness beyond the politically correct philosophies and stereotypes. These views are most commonly parroted by the feminists (or as Rush Limbaugh likes to calls them - feminazis) and their sympathizers. You could look at 10,000 single guys out there and there would be 10,000 different situations behind the terminations of their marriages, with divorce being one reason, the other one of course being the death of their wives.

Like fingerprints, personalities and DNA, no two marriages are alike and when they break down, each has their own unique dynamics. Are men the bogeymen in these marriage failures? In many cases, yes they are – but nowhere near in all of them. Generally, it tends to be a little bit of both.

Then there is the factor of starting over in pursuit of new relationships with a suitable companion – you know, that ritual called dating. Had my soon-to-be ex-wife been more amenable to the continued importance of dating each other during marriage, I would not be feeling so rusty now – something that will put me at only a temporary disadvantage when I resume dating once my divorce becomes final. I may have weaknesses – and plenty of them I might add – but despite the difficulties in my life over the last couple of years, I have managed to keep my ethics, honor, morals and integrity intact.

The ultimate insult of course in being alone is that in some cases, men and women sometimes send off signals that they are desperate and/or lonely. I don’t believe that I give off that kind of aura (or whatever you choose to call it), but I am now beginning to reassess that opinion. This is in light of what occurred three or four Saturdays ago while at a friend’s house looking at a computer desk he was looking to give away. As I was getting ready to leave the house, the dog mounted my left leg and tried to do the nasty with me. I’ve heard of a dog being man’s best friend, but this is ridiculous. It gives the term “pooch screw” a whole new meaning. Suffice it to say, my friend was severely embarrassed, his wife floored, the passenger in my car was engaged in full restraint to keep from rolling on the floor laughing, and I was alternating between shock and having flashbacks to the first “Police Academy” film and identifying with Commandant Lassard. I think now would be a good time to dump that cheap cologne.

They say that in some cases dogs can sense things in people that their friends can’t. I just hope to all get-out that this dog got his signals crossed, especially since his owner said that he had never seen the dog do that before. Either that, or I am in for a long, rough and lonely bachelorhood, which I certainly hope does not happen. But as for now, the fact remains (for the time being, anyway) that I ain’t got nobody – subject to change of course later this year when I resume dating.

Copyright © 2001 by Timothy Rollins and Lesstrogen Magazine.
All Rights Reserved.

-Published with permission