My Year In Review

To say that the year that is now coming to a rapid close has been adventurous for me would be a gross understatement. Many tough but wonderful things have happened to me during the course of the year, and if I may be allowed a point of personal privilege, I am choosing to elaborate on these issues today as I go into my Christmas season with perhaps a more thankful heart than I have had in many years.

The year began as I entered the second year of separation from my wife of seven years. There had been problems in the marriage for some time, and many of them were my fault as well as a number of them being her own doing. From the moment of the separation in 1999, I initiated (with the help of qualified people) a proactive approach to resolving the issues in my life that were holding me back from fulfilling my greatest potential and which contributed to many of the problems in the marriage. I came to realize much to my horror and shame that much of my conduct was unacceptable and that I was in many ways not as nice a person that I should have been.

In the ensuing time since, I came to realize around the Spring of 1999 perhaps the most important truth of all; and that was that it is never too late to make meaningful, substantive and permanent, lasting change for the sake of not only improving one’s life, but also the quality of that life as well.

As a practicing member of my faith, I had to remind myself of who I am in the big picture and where I stand along the road that I have chosen for myself. In the time since the separation, I improved myself for me, as this is perhaps the one area where it is perfectly acceptable to be selfish - for if you do not like yourself, it will be hard for others to like you in return.

I have a friend of mine in my congregation whose husband serves as a counselor to my Bishop. She is perhaps the most perceptive woman I have ever met. She has extensive knowledge of psychology and can read through my poker face as if it were crystal. We had a chat a few weeks ago one Sunday morning and she shared some very revealing observations with me. Having friends like her and her husband has helped me a great deal, especially when I was doing all I could do to try and see if the marriage could be saved.

In addition, my best friend also attends church with me, and he happens to be my family doctor, with whom I have been involved in talk therapy for almost two years now. His insights have been exceptional and have been of great benefit to me. It has helped me catch a greater glimpse of the situation and to look at it more objectively. He is a wise enough man to know that whatever decision I make as to final disposition as to whether I continue to fight for the marriage or not is mine, and so in November, I told him that I came to the conclusion for myself that in my opinion, the marriage was not worth salvaging on the grounds that my estranged and soon to be ex-wife wasn’t willing to acknowledge or admit responsibility for anything that was wrong in the marriage that may have been of her doing. While I wish her well, I have to agree with one who knows her well who said that she was a “professional victim” and that she would not likely change, and thus not have any lasting relationships possessed of any degree of quality.

Do not get me wrong; I was not a saint by any means in this. But I can say in good faith, that unlike many people who go through marital problems blaming solely the other partner, I took a proactive approach like I said earlier and actively sought to identify and resolve those things about myself that were neither appropriate nor in keeping with the tenets of my faith. I have worked with leaders in my Church as well, and their counsel has been wise, timely and instrumental in making meaningful change in my life. The quality of my life has improved many times over in the ensuing time since. The following is a quote I shared with a friend last Sunday at Church. I wrote it the day before in my personal notes, and it goes like this:

“One of the things I have learned in this time and it is a very important truth that even most married people don’t achieve; it is something that we must ALL achieve and that truth is this: I can say that I am truly happy, independent of my relationship with any other person, and that’s not an easy thing for people to achieve in their lives - whether single or married. This is because I rely on the Lord for my strength, and I know that I am never truly alone, and that is a blessing for which I will be forever grateful and indebted. I have become a fundamentally happy person, which is not easy to do; after all, true happiness comes from within - it is not a matter of externals. The reason for this is because I have come to know the Savior much better and not just know about Him. While having friends is nice and adds variety and spice to life as well as being a source for personal and spiritual growth, my need for them is not as all consuming as it once was and the friends I do have tend to be cherished all the more because of that.”

And so in closing, as I go into what will be a wonderful Christmas for me and my almost five-year-old son (pictured, right), I am looking forward to the joy that this time of year particularly brings. I look forward to remaining a full and active parent in his life and to sharing many joyous times with him. It will not always be easy or perfect as parenting is the world’s most popular amateur sport; but the dividends are well worth the investment of time and energy – and believe you me, he is a veritable tornado of energy. I wouldn’t trade him or my time with him for the world.

So to all my readers across America, Canada and around the world, I leave with you my wishes for a wonderful Christmas season, a Happy Hanukah or a Good Kwanzaa. May the joy that this time of year brings carry into the New Year and may each day bring you joy as you bring it into the lives of others.

See you next year.

• Picture of T.J. Rollins from family files

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-Published with permission