From Criticism to Collaboration

A married couple was sleeping, and an intruder entered their house. The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, "I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them; what is your name?" "My name is Elizabeth," the woman replied.

The intruder said, "You remind me of my mother, who was also named Elizabeth, so I can't kill you." The intruder then asked the husband, "What is your name?" "My name's Philip, but my friends call me Elizabeth." I wish I were that quick and wise.

Did you notice how Philip, the husband, elevated the dialogue in that verbal exchange? God gives us wisdom about conversation, which reveals to us what God’s nature is like, in Proverbs 12:18 from the Bible. "There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of the sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." Proverbs 13:2-3 adds to this thought. "The good acquire a taste for helpful conversation; bullies push and shove their way through life." That sounds like good advice unless you're happy living in a defensive or ‘appalled’ verbal bubble. Hint: If you live in a bubble, you’ll eventually suffocate. 

Have you noticed how conversation and dialogue in today's world have deteriorated? Rather than work out issues, people get "outraged." That’s an indirect way of saying, "My feelings are more important than yours. My way of thinking is more enlightened than your way of thinking. I'm right. You’re mistaken. That's it." Does this type of adversarial conversation resolve anything? Does it shift the dialogue up or down? I think we know the answer to that question. 

Let me quote author Laurie Beth Jones from her book Teach Your Team to Fish on this subject. "Dialogue either uplifts or depresses, engages or alienates, imprisons or liberates." It's okay to have emotions, opinions, or feelings about something, but not to the point of justifying dysfunctionality. The one-way, often condescending, and defensive verbal and non-verbal posturing we see so often today is not getting us anywhere. That’s what bullies do. Often, the person who accuses the other person of being a bully is the real bully. 

There is a better way. I greatly admire what the Apostle Paul did in the Bible when he wanted to address a problem or issue in the early church. He did this through letters called Epistles. His strategy was to elevate the dialogue. He would start off complimenting the church he was addressing. He would say what they were doing well first. Then, he would address the issue. His exhortation never came across as coercive, accusatory, or defensive. After addressing the problem, he would then end on a positive note with a salutation or appeal.

This week, I learned a lesson from my daughter and my 13-year-old granddaughter. My daughter wanted my granddaughter to clean out the closet in her bedroom. Of course, my granddaughter wasn't thrilled about this project. My daughter could tell my granddaughter would postpone the closet cleaning for as long as possible. So, rather than scolding her daughter and getting into a verbal tug-of-war, Mom decided to elevate the dialogue and experience. Mom suggested it would be fun if she and her daughter did the project together. They both put on their pajamas and made it a quality girl time. I think there were probably some cookies and hot cocoa afterward. 

Here are some short and straightforward suggestions from me that can help you elevate the conversation, lessen the negative vibe, and even shift the atmosphere from criticism to understanding to collaboration wherever you go.

First, listen and be present. Don't think of your response as the other person makes their point. Speak “to” them, not “at” them. You're not in a sword fight. Lecturing and speaking over the top of someone as they are speaking doesn't solve anything. That's called 'dissing' or disrespecting someone. 

Second, use restraint. Two-way conversation is not about winning the debate. It’s about understanding. The Bible says it this way. "…and to your knowledge, (add) self-control." 2 Peter 1:6. Self-restraint is as vital as passion in communication.

Third, ask questions. Try to see from another's perspective. You may disagree, but please try to understand how they got to where they are from their viewpoint. Look at people who disagree with you with grace-healed eyes. See them the way Jesus sees them. Try to find something in common that you can agree upon. 

Last, understand that often the issues that a person has might come from another issue. What's on the inside of them is leaking to the outside of them. Maybe it's unforgiveness, a childhood issue, a relationship issue, disappointment, or a search for identity or significance issue. They are defensive because they feel one inch tall. If you ‘dis’ them, they will fight you because they don’t want to feel one-half inch tall. Therefore, don’t allow their accusatory or defensive verbiage to offend you. 

This year, elevate the dialogue wherever you are. Take a moment and ask yourself the following questions. Does my entrance into a room move the dialogue, conversation, or discussion up or down? Laurie Beth Jones asks us to ask ourselves the following questions. “What form of dialogue does my group, family, or workplace use - polite, coercive, directive, reflective, accusatory, or defensive? What could I do to elevate the dialogue? What might the results be if I did?”

Remember Proverbs 12:18: But the tongue of the wise is health. When people attacked Jesus, Jesus elevated the dialogue. How about us?