As the economy continues its downward spiral and hundreds of thousands of join the ranks of the unemployed, Americans may rest easy knowing that our elected officials are hard at work on our behalf.
President Obama took time out from pushing his massive spending and tax increase package to announce his new focus on health care, accidentally 'mischaracterizing' the data, but making clear the government's intention to start tackling this new 'crisis'.
One of the government's first acts was to close down a New York doctor who had the audacity to propose a private market solution by offering uninsured patients a $79 flat fee for medical services. The government preferred to focus attention instead on theÂ innovative Healthy Penis campaign, recently launched in San Francisco. (It pays for staffers walk around in giant penis costumes to promote syphillis testing)
Despite the increasing number of crisis requiring his attention, Obama still managed to find the time to attend to foreign affairs. In the interest of world peace, he extended a hand to Russia , offering to consider scuttling America's missile defense system if Russia would, uh, help us with Iran . Russia agreed to talk about disarming America . Period.
Meanwhile, politicians in Washington were successful in diverting attention from the roughly $2.5 trillion investors have lost since Obama took office by designating private citizen and talk show host, Rush Limbaugh, as enemy number one. The 2.2 million jobs lost in the last four months were also overlooked, as the orchestrated media frenzy examined the vital question: 'Is Limbaugh the face of the GOP?'
Stoically, Obama remained silent as Hugo Chavez ordered the expropriation (theft) of an American owned company operating in Venezuela . He also refrained from comment on the news that an American citizen was beheaded in Mexico . Thankfully, Obama regained his voice to forcefully broadcast a new policy of pursuing international tax cheats. Who better to pursue tax cheats than... sorry, I digress.
Meanwhile, Obama's new economic advisor took to the airwaves to reassure the nation that Obama has a team of really smart people working to fix the economic crisis. Why, she actually has a staff of 10 Ph.D. economists hard at work on it right now. Whew!
Obama followed up by unveiling a new emblem that will be displayed on all projects funded by the massive spending plan he just got enacted. (The vision of a dog peeing to mark his territory entered my mind, but that's just me.)
Obama wisely ignored news of Iran 's new nuclear capability and focused instead on assuring the American people that, sadly, we are losing the war in Afghanistan. The solution, he opined, is reaching out to the moderate Taliban. As the hunt started for a 'moderate Taliban' Obama took the opportunity to denounce the news that his appointment as head of a U.S. intelligence council was identified as a member of the 'Iran lobby.' Â A big pshaw from The One set that right.
Our other elected officials also made sure America knew how hard they are toiling on the people's behalf. Rep. Barney Frank announced that he will be pushing for prosecution of the people who caused the country's financial meltdown. The fact that he himself was one of them didn't seem to worry Barney. Or the media.
Senate Democrats, meanwhile, in a show of bipartisanship, held out a hand to Republicans, inviting them to join them in calling for a 'truth commission' to probe whether the Bush administration abused its power. No word yet on which Republicans have decided to be bipartisan.
Top dog Harry Reid exhibited his firm grasp of the people's business by proposing that the federal government take over the power grid in the country so that it might string power lines all across the land. The fact that these power lines would be designated "special power lines to carry renewable energy" should allow the government to place them wherever they want, Reid suggested with a straight face.Â
Reid then hurried off to a closed door meeting with actor Brad Pitt, where Brad made an earnest case for nationalizing his "Make It Right New Orleans" campaign, in partnership with Congress. The media then gleefully highlighted Harry Reid's first known instance of humor as he cracked wise with Brad Pitt before the cameras. What a funny guy!
After the media finished its gigglefest, they moved on to highlight the achievements of yet another public servant, Sen. Ted Kennedy, who was awarded an honorary knighthood by the Queen of England. He will now be referred to as Sir Kennedy. By everyone, I assume, except Mary Jo Kophecne who is otherwise engaged, turning over in her grave.
Speaking of the Queen, we are informed that she has agreed to meet privately with President Obama, despite the major disrespect shown by Obama to Britain 's Prime Minister last week. Apparently the Queen accepted Obama's explanation that his rudeness was the result of him being 'overwhelmed' by the economic crisis. Besides, his aides say, he is very tired. Which doesn't bode well for any 3 a.m. moments, but I digress again.
One reason for Obama's fatigue is being investigated by watchdog group Judicial Watch. "Barack and Michelle Obama have been throwing taxpayer funded parties nearly every night with their 'friends' and supporters, with Michelle Obama even exhorting them not to 'break' White House property," Klayman's announcement said.
The media graciously overlooked Judicial Watch's obvious racism by ignoring this issue, focusing instead on launching a new national campaign to help the Obama family name their new dog.
The media also did their part 'for the people' by playing down the threats of war by North Korea, news that Iran has crossed the technological nuclear threshold, the 15% increase in defense spending by China, the global meltdown and the spillover of the chaos of Mexican drug wars onto American soil. After all, they know 'the people' are much more interested in how Michelle Obama manages to keep her arms so buff and if she has set a new fashion trend by going sleeveless in winter. Inquiring minds want to know.
All is well with our elected officials, thank God. In the face of overwhelming and potentially catastrophic circumstances, our dedicated public servants toil bravely on, humbly accepting an ever greater share of responsibility over this nation and its people. I don't know about you, but I'm sleeping much better these days, just knowing they're looking out for me.Â
And tomorrow, instead of figuring out how to survive now that most of my money has disappeared, I'm going to the gym and work on my triceps - secure in the knowledge that Obama and the rest of our elected officials will take care of everything else.