President Obama has a PLAN. And by PLAN I mean The Personalized Localized Alerting Network, announced Monday, which will let government text you on your cell phone. PLAN is an extension of the Emergency Alert System we have all come to know, love and often be annoyed by. That ear shattering belch of a screech we hear so often on the radio, usually followed by the announcement that “this is only a test,” has become pretty much standard for anyone that doesn’t have their head in the sand living a life of Unabomber simplicity.
According to the Federal Communications Commission, on the PLAN system we Americans will get three types of texts. The first type will be missing children Amber Alerts. The second will be texts that warn us about life threatening situations in our local area. The third, however, is the most disturbing as it is just simply described as messages from our dear leader and President, currently Barack Obama.
I can see it now. Had this system been in place just a few weeks ago maybe we would have gotten a fevered text from an excited President Obama along the lines of:
“Hello, this is your President. I just wanted to remind you that everything that has happened since I was elected was George Bush’s fault. Except for the recent capture of Osama bin Laden. That was all me baby!”
What else would President Obama perhaps send to us, the lowly peons who he sees as blessed to simply have him as our President? Thanks to knowing liberals as well as I do, I can now reveal planned text messages from President Obama all coming soon to a cell phone near you.
There will be the natural disaster exploitation text:
“Greetings citizen! Because of the recent (insert natural disaster here) experienced in (insert city here) which has devastated your region, we have authorized an extra $500 billion in emergency funds to be made available to help you out through this troubling time. Just proceed to your election office and either prove you are a registered Democrat or switch your registration to Democrat if you are not already one, sign a binding pledge to vote for me on Election Day 2012 and get your fair share! People in Texas need not apply."
How about the golf score update:
“Sup Dawgs! Just letting you all know I shot a 65 on the course this morning. Gotta get off to a $2,500 per plate fundraiser now. Peace out!”
There will be the big brother is watching what you eat text:
“STOP! Michelle sees you are getting ready to eat a Snickers bar. Don’t ask how we know. We just know. Are you sure you want to do that? Are you really, really sure?”
There will be the Soviet style report text:
“Today’s news. Everything is wonderful. The country is in great shape. Would I lie?”
There will be the free money text:
“URGENT! URGENT! I’ve opened my stash! FREE OBAMA MONEY!”
There will be the anti-corporation/pro man of the people text:
“Just wanted to let everyone know that despite taking huge amounts of money from Big Oil and Wall Street for my re-election campaign, I am still committed to getting those evil so-and-so’s!”
There will be the suggested reading list text:
“Please find attached to this text a free copy of Saul Alinsky’s “Rules For Radicals” and Chairman Mao's Little Red Book for you to read.”
There will be the slam Republicans text:
“Republicans are evil. That is all.”
There will be the vote for me or else text:
“Just a reminder, my homies in the New Black Panther Party will be at your local polling precinct on Election Day to make sure you don’t have any problems voting for me. And if for some reason you won’t vote for me these fine, upstanding citizens will help you change your mind.”
And of course there will be the help me please text:
“Hey, anyone seen my teleprompter? I have a big speech to give in five minutes and I can’t go on without it!”
Boy, I sure cannot wait!
Copyright ©2011 J.J. Jackson