My fellow Americans, as of today I will lead this nation to implement the following principles, policies, and practices at home and abroad:
This nation will follow a new foreign policy that will solve the problem of terrorism. We will return to our roots and follow the wise advice of our Founding Fathers. We will no longer get entangled in foreign alliances. We will no longer meddle in the affairs of other nations nor consider ourselves the policeman of the world. We will always consider first our national interests. We will not presume that we know best for other countries. What may be "best" for us may not be best for them.
Since America has been attacked by Muslim fanatics, we have aggressively gone after those responsible; however, we will no longer try to topple governments and set up democracies. Of course, we will always encourage liberty everywhere. We will not carpet-bomb cities filled with innocent civilians. We do not believe “total war” is morally right or militarily justified. However, be assured those culpable individuals will be punished as a deterrent to others.
Americans don't hate Muslims or anyone else since it is wrong and unproductive to hate; however, we will no longer plead with Muslims, at home and abroad, to love us. We will no longer express guilt and self-loathing. Federal officials will no longer try to prove that Americans are not racists. It is up to Muslims to prove they are not terrorists!
I have ordered the Department of Homeland Security that no traveler will be mistreated; however, since all the attacks against us have been young, Muslim men, we will do the reasonable thing and profile the travellers. The harassment of little old ladies, very young people, and handicapped persons will no longer be our practice. We will still be alert to terrorists with special attention to those of Middle Eastern appearance.
Moreover, I have authorized the use of troops on our southern border to secure that border and arrest, fingerprint, and photograph each alien before he or she is deposited forthwith back in Mexico. Any second offenders will be imprisoned and put to work on a Texas or Arizona work or chain gang. Furthermore, any American firm that knowingly hires an illegal alien will be heavily fined. Following a second offense, their business license will be revoked.
Furthermore, as of today, we have shut the welfare window. No more foreign aid to any nation. We may decide in the future that it is in our best interest to help some nation, but it will be temporary and as unusual as snow in July.
We will also start bringing our troops home from all over the world. They will be sent to foreign nations only in event of declared war or in the interests of the U.S. This is not isolationism but it is an “America First” policy. Any other policy is insane. Japan, Germany, and the 120 nations where our troops are now stationed must now protect themselves.
As to the Middle East, we don't know what is best! Israel has been a long-time friend of the U.S. We will support their right to exist within secure borders, and support their right to defend themselves against those who want to “drive them into the sea.” We will not support a Palestinian state carved out of Israel but would support a separate state if it is carved out of surrounding Muslim-dominated nations. We have disagreements with both the Israelis and the Palestinians. They both have good arguments for their positions, but they have both acted at times, uncivilized, unreliable, and undemocratic. They must settle their own affairs, with or without the assistance of surrounding nations. Basically I am saying, “You are both right and wrong.” I pray to the God of the Bible that they will solve their differences, but they will do so without U.S. assistance.
As to our reliance on Middle East oil, we have already started drilling in Alaska, the Gulf of Mexico, and off the coast of California and will immediately expand the mining of our vast coal supplies. We will try to be sensitive to the environment; however, I believe that people are more precious than plants or bugs or snakes or fish or spotted owls. Our drilling equipment may cause a caribou here and there to abort her young or a bear may singe its rear end on our pipeline, but we will live with those tragedies. American oil will flow. Moreover, of course, we will still buy oil from South America and even Middle Eastern nations; however, we will not buy oil from states that support terrorists. They can pour their excess oil over their pancakes each morning for all we care. Or drink it! This government will no longer pretend that terrorist leaders, kings, dictators, etc., are gracious gentlemen, nor will American officials shake their hands while smiling like idiots.
We will encourage American entrepreneurs by tax incentives and other measures to pursue the development of alternative fuels.
Individual households and businesses can be assured that taxes will be cut not raised while we pay off our national debt by eliminating the Energy Department, Commerce Department, Education Department, and hundreds of unnecessary and overlapping commissions that harass and limit private enterprise. Government assistance will be ended or curtailed to only the neediest cases.
We have some difficult days ahead that will require an adjustment by all of us. Nevertheless, we see a bright future after a few years of sacrifice. This administration will keep you informed since you are the Boss. You fund our world travels and generous salaries as you do for all Federal employees.
This administration takes our jobs seriously; therefore, we promise that any further bills that come to the Oval Office from the Congress must meet five criteria to qualify for passage: It must be constitutional. It must be necessary. We must be able to afford the proposed law. It must not expand government and limit individual liberty. The last criterion is that it must not undermine the family, decency, and general morality. If a bill does not pass those five criteria, it will not get the required signature.
No doubt there are knees jerking all across America (left ones, of course) and those people can cast their vote for new leadership and these policies in the next election. Until then, learn to live with it. I am your President and will do as I have promised. And may the God of the Bible bless America! Finally, during this Christmas season when we honor the birth of Jesus Christ who died to provide a way of salvation for sinners, may I wish the best for you and your family. Good night to everyone.
Of course, like former President Bush, Obama does not have the convictions, courage, or character to make such a statement. However, he could probably win with it, but so could any Republican though none have the backbone to make the speech. It seems all politicians need a spinal transplant!
Copyright ©2011 Dr. Don Boys, Ph.D.