The President of the U.S.A. has one major job—to keep the nation safe. Hopefully, he can accomplish that essential task between exotic vacations, White House rock rallies, and golf outings. We live in a dangerous world and need competent, consistent, and courageous leaders to preserve, promote, and protect our freedoms. Living among us are tyrants, traitors, and terrorists who are committed to destroying us, and our national leaders don’t have a policy to thwart their plans! Our policy seems to be: mustn’t make Muslims mad! However, we must have a bold plan to protect our shores and we can learn from recent history how to accomplish that.
During the Cold War with the Soviet Union between 1945 and 1991, many nations had developed or were developing nuclear weapons. Our citizens lived in a strained but fairly safe world with America and Russia’s huge inventories of nuclear bombs. We lived under the M.A.D. doctrine, standing for Mutually Assured Destruction. The reasoning was simple if primitive: You bomb us and we will bomb you. You bomb us even more and we step up our next bombing of you--until the world is a wasteland. It worked. There were regional wars from time to time in Korea, Vietnam, etc., but neither side was stupid enough to use nuclear weapons.
It was the deterrence principle: a well-armed nation, determined to live safely, would ensure peace. The thinking was that no sane national leader would jeopardize their own security, even existence, by launching a terrorist attack on a nation that could and would destroy them.
But that is now passé. Maniacal Muslim monsters don’t care if they live or die nor do they feel any concern for their people. In fact, the possibility of being blasted into eternity with a nuclear bomb is somewhat intriguing to them, enhanced by the thought of being welcomed by 72 green-eyed virgins.
If we are going to have any sense of security in a world dominated by fools, fanatics, and fascists then we must crawl into the minds of Muslim fanatics and try to “work their system.” I think I have succeeded in doing that and might be able to suggest a kind of program that would guarantee an unsteady but mutual peace.
President Obama should speak to the whole world before the United Nations and declare:
“We Americans want to live in peace; however, there are some religious fanatics who teach that they must some day rule the world whether through personal conversion or political control. We will not permit that to occur. We are rather satisfied with our nation as it is. Therefore, from this date, supported by my Joint Chiefs of Staff and the U.S. Congress, the U.S. has made the following decision that is not dependent upon the approval of any other nation or entity.
“If and when any Muslim nation or Muslim group attacks the U.S. (excepting obvious small, independent, maverick attacks), U.S. bombers will immediately fly, at my command, to Saudi Arabia and bomb the two holy cities of Mecca and Medina. However, their payload will be pig’s entrails, discarded and spoiled hog meat, and tons of pig dung (provided enthusiastically by pig farmers in Iowa) that will saturate both cities from city limit to city limit. The land, buildings, and any people there will be totally contaminated.
“Muslims will not permit any non-Muslim to enter Mecca or Medina; however, after an attack upon America, Porky Pig, Miss Piggy, and their friends are coming to town. You can count on it. That is one promise I promise to keep.
“After thoroughly bombing both cities, one of our planes with a piggybacked block-buster bomb will put it down on top of the holy Ka’ba leaving, if I may quote Jesus Christ, not one stone left standing upon another. This is not desirable but it is better than bombing the two cities back to the Stone Age.
“We have no desire to kill or injure any person or drop bacon grease on anyone’s head, however, this is a commitment the American people have made through their representatives and we will not back off. There will be no further delay, discussion, or debate. After an attack upon us (and we confirm that the perpetrators were Muslims), the pig poop and bacon drippings will fall. Not pennies from Heaven but pork from Heaven!
“In kindness, we have made this decision hoping that no Muslim leader would want to stand before Allah and be held accountable for the total destruction of the Ka’ba and the contamination of the two holy cities of Islam.
“Our desire is to provide some assurance of a peaceful existence of American citizens-- Muslims and non-Muslims. We expect all Muslim leaders to announce this promise to every Muslim on earth.
“If I may quote one of America’s prestigious philosophers, Porky Pig: ‘That, that, that’s all folks.’”
Now, I am a very simple person. If I lived in Mecca or Medina and America were attacked by a Muslim terrorist, I would head for the hills, or rather the desert. After the “bombing,” the Muslim religion would not permit citizens of the two holy cities to clean up the pig poop but I know some Baptists who would do it for $100.00 per shovelful, plus expenses. Yes, it would be costly and it would take many years to decontaminate the cities, but oil at $90.00 a barrel would finance the clean up. And Baptists tithe on their income!
Some won’t like my plan, thinking it is too frivolous or flakey, or fantasy but it is better than our present plan which offers no protection! It may not work, but the threat might restrict some of the faithful fanatics. After all, there is power in poop, especially pig poop.
As my friend Porky Pig says, “That, that, that’s all folks.”
Copyright ©2013 Dr. Don Boys, Ph.D.