The Four C’s of Marriage

A few weeks ago, I was the officiant at my youngest son's wedding in South Bend, Indiana. Since my 33-year-old son has often heard me perform marriages, I wrote a new message for his ceremony. Here is a summary of what I said that might help someone in the reading audience. 

We live in a day where love has been lost in translation. Dr. Seuss says, "We're all a little weird, and life's a little weird. And we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with our weirdness, and we join up with them, fall into mutual weirdness, and call it love." Mark Twain made a statement about love in the context of marriage; "Love is the ideal thing; marriage is the real thing." In other words, love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

One thing is for sure - it's one thing to fall in love, it's another thing to stay in love. Why? Real love is a decision. "Love is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in what we do for each other daily." Marriage is a game where two players play, and both win – for themselves and others.

Allow me to share a few thoughts about marriage to consider as you begin your journey of marriage. I call these ‘The Four C’s of Marriage – Caring, Communicating, Collaborating, and Committing.’ 

Let’s unpack Caring. One crucial aspect of love is caring. Caring says, "I will not control you; I will not neglect you; it's saying I notice you and care for you. You matter to me, and our marriage matters to me." In other words, handle each other with care. 

Here's some wisdom about caring from the movie Shall We Dance: “People get married because we need a witness to our lives. There are billions of people on the planet, and what does one life really mean? But in a marriage, you promise to care about everything, the good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things. All of it! All the time! Every day! You’re saying: Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. And your life will not go unwitnessed because I will be your witness.” That’s powerful and applicable.

After 40 years of marriage to my wife Becky, I always say, "Becky’s life will not go unnoticed because I will be her witness.” Why? I care.

Now let’s unpack Communicating. Isn’t it interesting how opposites attract and then negotiate the differences? What is the glue that holds the differences in two different people together? It’s communication. Good communication leads to growth, understanding, and commitment. 

There's a book entitled; Women Are from Venus, Men Are from Mars. My wife says, "You're both from Earth. Deal with it!" And believe me; nothing is so simple that it can't be misunderstood, especially when one party is from Venus and the other from Mars. I say to both parties in this marriage, "When handling your spouse, use your heart. When handling yourself, use your head." And to the husband, I say, "The best way to compliment your wife is frequently.”

Ask for forgiveness when necessary. It’s OK to be wrong. The wonderful thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others. When you admit you made a mistake and apologize to the offended party, you acknowledge that you are wiser now than you were when you made the mistake. Before unity comes humility. It's not who is right that is important. It's what is right that is important. Good communication allows you to make excellent decisions, not just emotional decisions. 

Here are some thoughts about Collaborating. Mother Teresa once said, “You can do what I cannot do. I can do what you cannot do. Together, we can do great things.” Marriage is two identities coming together to make one new entity. You don’t lose your identity; you multiply your identities in an entity called marriage. You are still yourselves, and that's great, but you are now much stronger together. You were born for this. Now go into the world, find your lane, and drive fast. 

Every person has areas of weakness. Each of us is a work in progress. Build one another, promote one another, even when they blow it. When you encourage one another, you elevate your marriage. You move from a 'me' to a 'we' to an 'us’ so you can be a blessing to 'them.'

It's like an orchestra. You still can play solos and appreciate one another's solos, but when you play together, wow, you create a beautiful harmony that only the two of you make. That harmony is heavenly, and it's complex, it's unique, it's got gravitas. That intimate harmony stops people in their tracks.  

Lastly, I’ll address Committing. Marriage is about the test and triumph of unity, friendship, mutual attraction, communication, commitment, and love. Love is giving. Love is forgiving. Love is power under control. Marriages start with love, and marriages stay with love. Marriage is best when it's shared. And, what you give to the marriage often determines what you will get from the marriage. 

Love is commitment. Love is much more than feelings, or knowledge, or experience. Love is a decision to commit and make a covenant. When our hearts are set on loving each other, we don't look for mistakes or hurts. We look to love. 

Marriage requires healthy freedom from our individual selfish agendas. The truth is you can never be happily married until you divorce yourself. Why? Because marriage is not a declaration of independence or co-dependence; it's a declaration of interdependence. My message ended here. 

Please don't feel inadequate if you have a failed marriage. Now you are informed and know The Four C's of Marriage – Caring, Communicating, Collaborating, and Committing. Use it, but use it wisely.