First Lady's Man Bill Clinton
October 15, 2007
In American history, we only have had "first ladies." From Martha to Laura, for better or worse, from silent to vocal, women all. Naturally, that is because all presidents have been men. But now there is a possibility that we will have a woman become president. And given that she is married to a man, that would mean our nation would have its "First Gentleman." Except that it would be Bill Clinton, so there goes that title.
Now what? "First Lady Bill Clinton" doesn't work. Given his reputation, maybe "First Lady Killer." In fact, Bill Clinton could be "First" a lot of things, given his well known (but regularly denied) sexual proclivities and vices. This brings us to "First Man." First Man to be president and accused of rape. First Man to be president and sued for trying to take away a person's right to a fair trial (lying under oath). First Man- and last- of the twentieth century to be impeached as president. First Man as president to allow the People's Republic of China to have access to super-secret military and aerospace equipment. Lots of First Man options for Bill, so perhaps that's not so good of a choice, either.
If Hillary wins the presidency, "First Lady" will be used to mock Bill, but our national conundrum will still exist: forget health care, social security, or the war against the terrorists. What will we call Bill Clinton if his wife gets elected?
While "First Gentleman" does sound the most logical- given that the president's wife is known as the "First Lady"- what about "First Husband?" Now wouldn't that be ironic? From philanderer to "First Husband."
Bill Clinton liked to call himself the "first black president" in America. "First Black Male First Lady" is just too cumbersome. That's out. First Black Man, maybe.
How about "First Gigolo?" That would work. Hey, if the guy could go on the prowl while working as the president of the United States, he certainly could escape the Secret Service again as First Lady.
Ah, but no one really cares about this important question. Everyone is worried about or hopeful about what a President Hillary Clinton would be like. There's the prospect of "free" health care for everyone; a kinder, gentler, military that doesn't exploit those poor Islamists who just want to kill innocent people in peace; and government handouts as far as the government eye can see. Eugene Debs would come back from the grave. All would be right with the world.
But what fun is all that gruesome stuff? What fun would it be watching Republicans do what they do best: play the part of minority party? What fun would it be watching the mainstream media fall all over Hillary and the Carter rejects that she would appoint?
No, it would be more fun to watch the "First Dude." He is always entertaining, without fail.
"First Lady's Man" Bill Clinton would be entertaining. Lately he has remade himself into this controlled-angry righteous defender of the Republic. He's only missing a cape and leotards- ah, but there's already been enough jokes about his proclivities. He's got the feigned anger down, much to the delight of the Kool-Aid Clintonistas and the bubble-headed average Democrats. They love it, and they love him, with or without the high crimes, misdemeanors, tacit encouragement of terrorists, and the support from and to the PLA in communist China. It's all good. It's Mr. Charisma- that's all that matters.
Someday we just may hear the words, "Introducing the president of the United States, Hillary Clinton, and First Lady's Man Bill Clinton!"
If that happens and you are nearby, listen closely and you just might here a man with a slight Southern accent shout, "Woohoo, bring on the babes, Secret Service! Bill is back in town!"
Brian W. Peterson has been a columnist for a mid-size California newspaper, is a veteran of political campaigns, and was a member of the publicly elected Republican Central Committee of Los Angeles County. His psychological thriller Dead Dreams and sci-fi adventure Children of the Sun are currently available through Amazon.com. You can follow Brian on Twitter @cybrpete.