Fat People Warming the Cooling Planet

May 11, 2009

The full court press by the apocalyptic Church Of Man Made Global Warming continues. The time remaining to convince people that man is warming the Earth is precariously slipping away. The sands in the hour glass are running out without much headway having been made except among the political elite controlling the levers and switches of government, and the mindless sheep seeking a cause to believe in no matter how wrong that cause is. Sadly for Al Gore and his disciples, opportunities to convince the population that mankind is warming the Earth are more and more fleeting as science overtakes the fear and panic mongering. As the Earth cools and the facts become clear people are naturally less and less likely to buy into the hysteria.

But undeterred by the facts, we have yet another absurd claim put forth. That claim is that fat people are bad for the environment. Yes, it is true. All you fatties out there are killing the planet. At least it is true in the minds of that ever vocal minority screaming "consensus" to fewer and fewer people. As if you needed another reason to feel bad about your weight, right?

Dr. Phil Edwards, whose credentials as a real and serious doctor have to be questioned at this point considering what is about to be discussed, said that, "Moving about in a heavy body is like driving a gas guzzler." The point he is not making very well is that fat people consume more food and require more food production which means more greenhouse gas production and environmental damage. He is not alone. Oh no. There are other so-called scientists that believe the same thing and that think that because they have a couple extra initials in front of their name you will blindly follow their words as gospel. Sorry, but I learned my lesson about that after the whole "eggs are good, um now they are bad, no wait ... they are good" fiasco.

I admit, my credentials are not nearly as impressive. I only have a Masters Degree in Environmental Engineering and not the oh so prestigious "Dr." to place before my name. But that lowly Masters degree, which I am sure causes "Doctors" like Mr. Edwards to guffaw at the gall of someone so uneducated as myself to speak up against them, is not what I will rely on to confront them and tackle the issue.

Let us just look at the facts here, shall we? First, we must simplify the argument to its base assumption. It is not really fat people that cause a need for increased food production and, by Dr. Edwards' theory, increased greenhouse gases. What really causes the need for more food is actually something that can be referred to simply as "people pounds". People pounds is simply the total number of pounds of people that exists upon the Earth. It does not matter if these people pounds come from twenty people weighing two thousand pounds each or four hundred people weighing in at a hundred pounds each. What matters are the total pounds of people because a certain number of calories from food are needed to maintain each pound.

Over the past several years the number of people pounds upon the Earth has increased. Yes, in some areas it may have decreased due to drought, disaster, crazed terrorists seeking their fruit basket from Allah, people fleeing communist oppression or some other phenomenon. But over all the total pounds of people on the planet has gone up and by correlation so has the demand for food to maintain those pounds.

So, since the demand for food has increased it should by correlation mean that, if Dr. Edwards' is right, the Earth should be warming as well. Unfortunately for him, this is not the case. Data clearly shows that the Earth has in fact been cooling instead. I mean real data. Not that stuff Al Gore manipulates and throws up in slide shows while skittering out of town before he can be challenged to a debate by actual scientists.

Consider also that all food requires there to be the constant growth of plant matter. When animals consume plants and thereby consume a source of CO2 storage, it becomes harder to see how growing more food means more greenhouse gases. More and more people pounds means more and more plants which means more and more carbon storage.

But there is something else that Dr. Edwards' fails to mention in his analysis as well, probably because it is far too inconvenient. The fact that human beings are between 60 and 70% water should not be overlooked in this conversation considering that water vapor is a also a greenhouse gas. As such we vile, fat humans are huge water sinks preventing this substance from being released into the environment. In fact, fat people are much better water reservoirs than skinny people are in the sense that they are locking up more of this vile pollutant. Hey, if CO2 (plant food) is a "pollutant" than why not water as well? They have the same effect, right "Dr." Edwards?

If we were to reduce the number of people pounds on the planet by telling fat people to get skinny, much of this water would no longer be bound up. Some of it would go into the liquid phase and into the oceans, rivers and streams but some of it would also go off into the atmosphere as water vapor and warm the planet.

It is a sad reality that gets overlooked in the quest to make claims and wild accusations in the name of the purely political cause that is global warming. But I am here to tell you fatties out there to not worry! In fact I am here to encourage you! Eat up! Because for every pound you put on you lock up more and more of that dangerous water that if released would surely heat this planet, melt our glaciers, cause oceans to rise and kill us all!

So go to the buffet! Have a plethora of pudgy little children and feed them well! We need you! And next time you are in line at the all you can eat buffet with a plate full of perfectly marinated beef and a heavy helping of mashed potatoes and some whiney, scrawny little envirotard comes up to you and complains that you are contributing to global warming just grab them, stick your fork in their gut and toss their lifeless carcass on the plate as well. Because I would rather you be storing all that water than some nitwit.

Bon appetit!

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Copyright ©2009 J.J. Jackson

J.J. Jackson is a libertarian conservative author from Pittsburgh, PA who has been writing and promoting individual liberty since 1993 and is President of Land of the Free Studios, Inc. He is the Pittsburgh Conservative Examiner for Examiner.com.  He is also the owner of The Right Things - Conservative T-shirts & Gifts. His weekly commentary along with exclusives not available anywhere else can be found at Liberty Reborn.