The Dominionist Manifesto

There has been great gnashing of teeth in “progressive” circles of late over “Christian Dominionist Theology.”

MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow has warned that much of the Republican presidential field embraces this startling, seditious sect of extreme fundamentalism. She’s breathlessly warned that Christian Dominionists “believe they have a direct line to God” and intend to “clear the way for the [end of the world]…by infiltrating and taking over government.”

The Daily Beast/Newsweek chimes the tocsin with a hard-hitting, brilliantly penned – though deeply disturbing to all who love freedom – investigative piece headlined: “A Christian Plot for Domination?”

Author Michelle Goldberg warns that Mrs. Bachmann and Mr. Perry are deeply entrenched in a “little-known movement of radical Christians” who are preparing “an army of God” to “commandeer civilian government.”

But it gets worse. It’s much bigger than all that.

Kyle Mantyla with the atheist group “People for the American Way” has been warning for months now that this organized craze of underground Christians plan “to take dominion over, literally, seven specific facets of modern life in order to wrest control away from Satan and his demonic spirits so that Christians can put them to use in bringing about God’s kingdom on Earth.”

Now, you may laugh. You may think these anti-Christian “Dominioners” like Maddow, Goldberg and Mantyla – these fearless progressives risking all to sound the alarm on the rising threat of Christian Dominionism – are just a bunch of liberal, tinfoil hat-wearing kooks.

You might believe they’re merely a left-wing gaggle of tattooed, body-pierced pot-brownie pies in pajamas, no different than 9/11-truthers, global-warmers or Holocaust-deniers.

Oh, you may suppose these liberal Dominioners – daring beyond measure – are simply a batty band of anti-Christian bigots and Daily-Kos-, MSNBC-types looking to smear Rick Perry, Michele Bachmann and other GOP presidential hopefuls as a bunch of clandestine theocrats bent on Christian world domination.

Think again.

They’re right.

It’s true--all of it.

Stop snickering.

Stop it, this is serious!

I can no longer toe the line. I can no longer remain silent while my Christian Dominionist brethren, numbering in the tens-of-millions, deny our very existence.

What exactly is Dominionism?

Heard of the Illuminati? Skull and Bones Society?

Pansies.

Well, Dominionism is kind of like that except, whereas those pseudo-“subversive” societies are merely “super-secret” – Christian Dominionism is level-nine “super-duper-secret,” sealed in blood with the whole “hope to die,” “thousand needles” thing to emphasize we mean business! Dominionism’s ultimate goal? Christian New World Order or bust, baby!

I’ll get to the manifesto part, but first, some housekeeping: Liberal Dominioners – though remarkably accurate in spite of so very little “actual information” – are way off on one thing. They think Dominionism was launched decades ago by the likes of Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson and James Dobson.

Wrong.

Dominionism Theology was, in point of fact, the supernaturally-breathed, prophetically-inspired vision of Big Chimney West Virginia’s very own Floyd “Snorty” Flubinowitz. (Snorty’s Taxidermy, LLC, corner of 9th and Vine behind the Piggly Wiggly.)

All hail Snorty!

Central to Dominionist Theology are the “7 Mountains of Influence” wherein Dominionist Theologians encourage Christians – Christians! – to positively influence our culture by getting involved in (1) Arts and Entertainment; (2) Business; (3) Education; (4) Family; (5) Government; (6) Media; and (7) Religion.

No, seriously; we intend to “go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,” and we’re scheming to deliberately defy the ACLU, leaving our potluck dinners to grow cold while we impetuously wander off church grounds to do it.

I know, right?

But it doesn’t end there. Liberal Dominioners – vigilant as they are – don’t know the half of it. They’ll be horrified to learn that there are actually “8 Mountains of influence” (Snorty kept one to himself in case the other 7 were discovered); “6 Pyramids of Supremacy”; and, “32 Molehills of Utter Despotism.”

Moreover… crud, my word count’s going over. Um – the manifesto, right. Well, here it is basically: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you…” or be summarily waterboarded.