TRIGGER WARNING: Ultra-sensitive readers may feel aggrieved and take offense at the violence in this fictitious depiction. If you feel uneasy and threatened, go immediately to your nearest safe space to regain your composure. It might help to quell your discomfort if you have on hand some stuffed animals, play dough, chocolate milk, and videos of puppies, kittens, and bunnies. Everything will be alright.
Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome, and can I have your undivided attention? Your presence here in this storied arena today, and on this momentous occasion, will witness what has been labeled as possibly one of the most historic, and in magnitude of importance, events that are in essence a battle for the heart and soul of America, in this the 21st
century. We have a fired up and highly spirited crowd here; the people have been chomping at the bit to get this match underway.
In this corner to my right wearing the red, white and blue, I am proud to introduce the current champion, and President of the United States Donald Trump, aka, "The Orange Man," and in his corner, colleague and advisor Vice President Mike Pence. And to my left the odds on favorite, in green, yellow and black, former vice president of the United States Joseph Biden, aka “The Man From Down Under” (no, not Australia) - and his corner person Senator Kamala Harris.
Will both contenders and their handlers join me in the center ring, please? Gentlemen, I expect a clean fight, no hitting below the belt, or eye-gouging, no unnecessary head butts; let’s keep it clean. Now I ask that you retire to your respective corners, wait for the bell, and may the better man win, for all our sakes. There’s the bell.
Look at this, ladies and gentlemen; the champ is out and dancing around the ring, arms flailing, no mask, and motioning to the challenger to meet him and put up his dukes and fight. Biden seems to be having a tough time getting out of his chair. He’s up now but appears unsteady on his feet, his eyes squinting from the glare of the lights, and I’m certain that his face mask with the letters BLM is not helping. Trump is pointing at him, his face contorted with that devilish grin, motioning Biden to come meet him in center ring. Trump is walking toward Biden, but stops midway, now he throws up his arms and starts dancing again.
Trump is bobbing and weaving, playing to the roar of the crowd; and look at that - there’s a wide swath of them with those bright red MAGA hats, and their chanting “Trump, Trump, America, America - first and forever.” Biden is moving slowly toward the champ, in what seems more a shuffle, he thinks he sees an opening and is finally in proximity to land a blow, he throws a left but is caught off balance and sways and falters, he’s looking back at his corner for some direction or change of tactics, but Harris appears inattentive while highly animated and agitated for some reason. Wait a minute Harris is pointing at the referee and is crying foul, and something else; she’s pointing at Trump who seems to be mocking her gesticulations. Did I hear that right? Yes she is calling the champ a “racist, homophobe, misogynist pig,” and claiming he tripped up Biden. Folks, this match is getting down in the gutter.
There’s the bell, both fighters have retired to their corners. Folks, I don’t know what the judges think about the first round. It was uneventful, as no contact was made, but the champ did put on a good show and the audience loved it. Oh, look at this, the champ is already on his feet and again pointing at the challenger who looks flustered and disoriented. There’s the bell, the challenger again has difficulty getting up, wait a minute he’s looking around and seems to have been rejuvenated by the crowds’ chants of “Biden, Biden.” The champ grimaces and appears angry, and goes directly at the challenger, oh, and he lands a stunning blow to the midsection, and follows through with a right cross to the jaw.
The challenger goes down, his face mask is hanging off one ear; his corner is urging him to get back on his feet. The referee motions the champ to his corner, and then begins a countdown; one, two, three. Harris is banging her fist on the canvas and shouting something to Biden who appears stunned as he slowly gets back up on his feet with only seconds left in the count. There appears to be a big gash over the challengers left eye.
What’s this? The challenger is turning the table on the champ, and pointing at him and motioning him to come on over. The champ has stopped moving, he’s standing there arms akimbo, smiles, and is now coming toward the challenger with force. Biden sidesteps and as Trump reaches Biden’s side, he gives Trump an elbow to the back of his neck; the champ goes into the ropes. Now it’s Pence who is shouting, "Foul," and in a very polite manner, I must say.
The champ has regained his composure and resumes his bravado and animated movements, but there’s the bell. Biden’s corner is working on the gash over his left eye; apparently, the champ’s blow had an effect.
There’s the bell and round three begins, wait a minute - the champ has raised his arms as though he has already won the match. The fighters have moved to center ring and are trading blows, there’s a right cross to the champs jaw, it has little effect on him. Trump responds with a swift shot to Biden’s rib and follows up with another shocking blow to that left eyes that is now partially closed, as blood gushes from the gash, and Biden goes down again.
The referee motions the champ to his corner, and for the second time tonight begins a countdown; "One, two, three, four, five..." “Get up, get up,” Harris is screaming. "...six, seven, eight, nine, ten, you’re out." The crowd is going crazy, there’s cheering, some booing, but there’s complete pandemonium. The champ is out of his corner, arms raised in triumph, as the crowd chants “Trump, Trump. Keep America Great.” Donald Trump retains his title and has proven once again all his detractors and enemies wrong.
The presidential race will unquestionably be a down and out slugfest of pugilistic proportion, only in this match, the gloves have come off. Hopefully, there will be no fisticuffs, just words, ideas, criticisms, insults, accusations, and the usual promises made by both parties and the candidates. May the better man win, for the sake of all the American people.