We Can Solve the Gun Violence Problem by Banning You Won’t Believe What!

Violence is out of control in most cities, especially Democrat-controlled cities, and much of the violence is unexpected, unexplained, and usually unprosecuted. The shootings are often done by adolescents, yet not one has been executed since it would be too traumatic for the public to see a trembling, weeping teen executed.

I would also be horrified to see a young person walk “the last mile” to the death room. He sobs, he shouts, he’s sorry, but he dies; and his deserved death could save thousands of innocent lives if a nation’s impressionable young people realize that they would forfeit their lives if they kill. Society is not ready or willing to have young people executed since that isn’t civilized; however, they are willing to continue permitting innocent people to be slaughtered in the name of civility.

And permit killers to grow old on death row.

Something must be done, and I have a partial answer. First, I must place my tongue firmly in cheek and then proceed with my solution to gun violence in America. While frivolous, it makes as much sense as our present policy.

It appears school leaders, church officials, prosecutors, police, and other officials have lost all common sense, or everyone is on drugs. Or maybe we now have a generation of uncaring adolescents reared by unprincipled parents, educated by unknowledgeable teachers, and impressed by unregulated social media to fulfill an elusive, temporary fame that will destroy them and our nation.

It seems everyone is pretending to stop gun violence without making the difficult decisions to solve or ameliorate the problem.

My solution makes as much sense as the current practice.

A 7-year-old student had the gall to use a pencil as a pretend gun, but a courageous school official quickly dealt with the threat by suspending the culprit. Another student was suspended for “shooting” fellow students with a pretend bow and arrow. Hey, those pretend bows can be dangerous.

Are you getting the point? Certified nuts are in places of authority.

In another dangerous incident, a first-grade teacher was suspended for “shooting” his students during recess. Still, another student was suspended for a year for pretending to throw a hand grenade - an explosive situation. That was a pretend grenade. The local sheriff was involved a couple of times, but no one went to jail.

No surprise that our cities are in trouble.

Anarchy reigns in America’s schools, and something, anything, must be done to stop the pretend violence. Still, it is encouraging to know that we have such stalwart, aware, and dedicated school personnel to “nip it in the bud” before it worsens.

If school personnel can’t or won’t take charge, the local constabularies will handle it with their handcuffs, nightsticks, or whatever to put down the danger.

It’s getting worse and more dangerous. Two 6-year-old students in Maryland were suspended for pretending to throw rocks at each other on the playground. Children start by pretending to throw rocks, but tomorrow they will throw them. It’s about time we got serious right here in River City about the violence that rocks (especially “assault” rocks) play in our society, and we must act now for the children’s sake.

It may be rocks today, but tomorrow it will be pretending to shoot with a pencil or finger. Then, who knows? A kid may come to school with a make-believe bazooka.

I walked out of our post office and saw a nine or ten-year-old boy sitting alone in the front seat of a truck. As I walked by him, I raised my right hand and “shot” him, and he fell over “dead.” I suppose I could have been arrested, and many would say I should have been arrested. I suppose I am too thoughtless and careless about the violence in America.

If we are really serious about protecting people from violence, we should ban all guns, knives, hammers, clubs (far more people were killed last year with hammers and clubs than with assault rifles), frozen meat, bats, bras (since one man killed his wife with her bra), and rocks. Especially rocks. I even have a rock patio and rock garden, so I may be part of the problem.

Rocks are really dangerous since they are so plentiful and easily attained. It is good that schools make a pretend rock-throwing action unlawful. Stop the madness now with a ban on all rocks, even pretend rocks. To quote Mayberry’s famous social philosopher Barney Fife, “Nip it in the bud.”

Let’s not play around with this issue when lives are in the balance. Get serious and eventually ban all rocks in all places, weights, and sizes. If we save even one life, it will be worthwhile. I know the conservative bleeding hearts will scream, but they are mean, mad, and malicious people. Who cares what they think? They spend all their time clinging to their rocks as they read their King James Bible, so who cares about them? They drive around town in their pickup trucks with a huge load of rocks in the back. What does an honest person need with all those dangerous rocks?

All sane people know rocks are evil. Children, especially boys, tend to throw rocks at other children, birds, cats, and innocent animals. Rocks are evil and must be illegal, and even pictures of rocks should be unlawful. There’s a place near Chattanooga called Rock City, and people actually pay an entrance fee to see and support rocks.

Scandalous!

Maybe not today, but soon, America will be rock-less except for the police, FBI, CIA, FEMA, IRS, BATF, military, security guards, celebrity bodyguards, senators, etc. Only the elite need rocks. For those fanatics who declare their right to have rocks, we can shame them into silence. Make them feel like criminals for having rocks. Put them on the defense; after all, only a fool says there is a natural right to have a rock. Many say they not only have a right to have a rock for self-defense or to kill dangerous critters, but they have a right to have a rock because they like rocks.

What normal person actually likes rocks? There are actually rock collectors out there.

It may be difficult to ban all rocks since the National Rock Association (NRA) is such a powerful and heartless organization, and all the rednecks belong to it. The NRA is getting rich from fees by selling memberships, coffee mugs, sweatshirts, etc. So, we may have to ban the biggest rocks and eventually ban smaller rocks when another tragedy happens. You know, “don’t let a crisis go to waste.” We must take advantage of every situation to finally take every rock away from every American. You know, a totally rock-less America.

For a while, we will require a license of all rock owners and have to settle for incrementally taking the rocks. We can charge large fees for their license; the bigger the rock, the bigger the fee. This will also give us a list of all rock owners and their locations. You know what happens next - confiscation. Why require a license if you don’t plan to pick up all rocks?

Arrest any person seen with a rock unless he has a permit to carry it until we can make it illegal to have a rock for any reason. Even with a license, the size and shape of the rock should be restricted. Some rocks are more dangerous than others. I remind the heathen out there that young David killed a giant of a man with a smooth rock, but David had a total of five rocks. It should have been illegal to have an excessive number of rocks. That is overkill. The law must stipulate that no licensed person can have more than one rock in his possession at any time. After all, why does a person need more than one rock? Such people are obviously up to no good, and innocent lives are at stake.

Rocks should be registered for size, weight, color, and sharp edges and kept under lock and key by rock owners. Of course, no felon or mentally unstable person should be permitted to possess dangerous rocks, but then no politician could legally have rocks. (Of course, politicians are accused of having rocks in the upper portion of their anatomy!) Not sure how small or large a prohibited rock should be, but we’ll leave that small detail to the regulators. Surely, we can trust them to be reasonable. Or a better idea is to put the Vice President in charge of all defense laws if we can tear her away from the border.

Until we can pass laws banning all rocks, we should close all Rock Throwing Ranges where the sole purpose is to become more proficient in rock-throwing.  After all, such activities are dangerous and will destroy a neighborhood. Moreover, none of those ranges did an environmental impact study before they were built, so we can close them down without new laws! We should use any pretext to destroy the whole rock business - for the children, of course.

Rock fanatics will resist these common-sense suggestions and speak of never, never, ever giving up their rock until it is pried from their cold, stiff fingers. Well, we can arrange that, can’t we!

There is little doubt that the first murder in history was perpetrated by a rock; let’s go to the root of the problem - ban all rocks!

And we might start our crusade with a rock buy-back program.