Mr. Rogers’ Liberal Neighborhood

March 10, 2002

by Brian W. Peterson

Time for another episode of “Mr. Rogers’ Liberal Neighborhood.” Come on, everybody play along. Park your SUV, put out your cigarette, reschedule target practice and sing along with me: “It’s a grumpy old day in the neighborhood.” Can you say “enslavement?” That’s right, today the boys and girls are gonna learn about Liberalism.

Okay, boys and girls, today we’re gonna learn about living in harmony. You see, you’re not smart enough to know how to take care of yourself, so Big Brother is gonna be your caretaker. Yea. Big Brother is really thoughtful. That’s why private property is meaningless.

Now it wouldn’t be right for some mean old moral guy to keep an unmarried couple from renting the mean old moral guy’s house, now would it? So Liberals pass laws to make sure that the mean old guy has to rent out that nice warm house to whomever comes along- even if it’s against the mean old guy’s beliefs. That way, we can make all lifestyles acceptable. Isn’t that nice, boys and girls?

And that mean old guy - usually a narrow-minded Christian - might want to actually disapprove of certain types of behaviors before we can force them on him! Can you say “mean old Christian?” I thought so.

And don’t forget, boys and girls, some people actually think they can make their own decisions. That’s why we spend your mommy and daddy’s tax money fighting cigarette smokers. Every good boy and girl knows that cigarettes are yuk and smokers should be ridiculed. So now we’re gonna get those dumb old cigar smokers, too. Oooo those mean old cigarette smokers and cigar smokers, trying to be independent. Can you say “Independence is bad?” Very good.

Now how many of your mommies and daddies own sports utility vehicles? Wow. Look around. Look how many people’s mommies and daddies drive killer vehicles. How selfish! Do you know that when your mommies and daddies have wrecks, they kill other people? And your parents are a-okay in their great big evil sports utility vehicles. Just think how fair it would be if nobody drove those big mean SUV’s. Then everybody would die and that would be fair, huh?

How many people have ever been spanked? Oh my gosh! All the child abuse! I want you to take down this number. Ready? If mommy or daddy ever spank you again, I want you to call (800) 4-STALIN. They have no right to spank your naughty butt if you’ve been bad. Make sure you also know how to call the police, because we have to make sure that your mommies and daddies are re-educated. Remember boys and girls, it takes a village, not a mommy and a daddy. Can you say “Hillary, you go girl?” Very good.

Remember boys and girls, we all came from little fishes. That is why we shouldn’t eat fishes or cows or pigs or chickens. Everyone knows how cute Bambi and Mickey Mouse are, right? And you don’t want to eat Bambi or Mickey Mouse, do you? No. Animals are just like people, except they just can’t talk. So you remember, mommy and daddy are no better than your pet goldfish.

And another thing you must remember, if mommy or daddy try to make you go to church, be sure and resist. Church is very, very bad because they say that some things are not okay. This is not good because you must learn to make your own decisions, right? That’s right. You don’t want to hear about dumb old discipline, now do you? No. And you want to be able to get on the Internet whenever you want so you can look at pictures of naked people and talk to strange men and tell them where you live, huh? Because there’s nothing wrong with being strange, is there? No, it’s just a choice. Can you say “alternative lifestyle?” Just give it time. You’ll be able to when you grow up.

Stay tuned tomorrow and in Mr. Rogers’ Liberal Neighborhood we’ll teach the children about getting abortions without their parents’ knowledge. Until next time, hug a nice liberal for caring about you.

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Brian W. Peterson writes a political column for the Antelope Valley Press (circulation approximately 60,000) in Palmdale, California. He is a graduate of Oral Roberts University, where he majored in TV/Film. Brian’s weekly commentary and newspaper columns can be found at www.LifeAndLiberty.com.

Send the author an E mail at Peterson@ConservativeTruth.org.

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