Politics For Dummies

April 21, 2002

by Brian W. Peterson

Someday someone will write a book that will be a bestseller and call it Politics for Dummies. If the title already exists, then I’d like to read it for the humor and frustration of it all. There are books entitled Windows for Dummies (which refers to the Microsoft product, not how to get fresh air into the house), Quilting for Dummies, and probably somewhere out there is a Nuclear Power Plant Construction for Dummies where the reader can learn to improve the flushing capabilities of his toilet if he simply buys the proper tools off of the Black Market.

But Politics for Dummies is the book I want to read. A problem with such a book is inherent: since it must be written by an experienced politician, will we be able to believe what it says? For example, not many people in this country - let alone politicians in Washington - understand how a bill becomes law. Yeah, yeah, there is a specific path that a bill takes that is known even by school children. But I don’t remember learning about conference committees where the purpose of the bill gets reversed so that politicians can vote opposite of what they tell their constituents.

If Politics for Dummies hasn’t been written, someone honest needs to write the Introduction. I hereby volunteer my services - for a fee, of course. Which is Lesson Number One: Politics is always about money. I don’t care if the subject is Social Security, tax cuts, or the amount of chloroflourodavidcarradine in our water, the subject is always money. How much money will it bring to the politician’s district back home? Who contributed the most at the last fundraiser? Who can hire the politician’s wife to do nothing yet pay her a big salary anyway?

Don’t believe it? See how little money Bill Gates contributed to political campaigns until the Department of Justice went after him for being a mean guy. He helped to make computers become affordable for most people, but he was still a bad guy because he didn’t contribute to the right people.

Lesson Number Two: Reelection is more important than food, water, and the price of a hooker. We’ll have to overlook the part about the hooker in the Introduction because that will be in the “About the Author” section of the book where he lists the rap sheet he compiled while in office. But back to reelection: prime example - campaign finance reform. While trying to make us think that this “reform” is about Lesson Number One, it is actually about Lesson Number Two.

Politicians must get reelected in order to continue their status as a politician. This may seem like an easy concept to grasp, but such assumptions cannot be made given the way that some people vote. This would get us into Lesson Number Fifty-One, but we’re getting ahead of ourselves (by the way, my Introduction to “Politics for Dummies” will be very long).

Back to reelection. The power of the incumbent is incredible. Doubt that? I propose that Ted Kennedy could get caught naked in a jacuzzi, having a drink with an under-aged Martian chick while holding one of those purple Teletubbies and still get reelected. He’s an incumbent. In Massachusetts, no less.

Lesson Number Three: Politicians do not make very good houseguests. They tend to not wipe from their feet everything that they step in, they leave greasy marks on the walls, and they scare the family dog. They make terrible conversationalists, generally having to make phone calls to their chiefs of staff when asked tough questions to which they do not know the answer (such as, ‘What did you vote on today, sir?’ or ‘Do you prefer cash in marked or unmarked bills?’).

Okay, so my Introduction will be a tad mean. There are actually a few politicians whom I do like. But you’ll understand the meanness after you read Lesson Number One-Hundred and Twenty, which of course relates to Lesson Number One.

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Brian W. Peterson writes a political column for the Antelope Valley Press (circulation approximately 60,000) in Palmdale, California. He is a graduate of Oral Roberts University, where he majored in TV/Film. Brian’s weekly commentary and newspaper columns can be found at www.LifeAndLiberty.com.

Send the author an E mail at Peterson@ConservativeTruth.org.

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