Pork Chop Hill

June 16, 2002

by Brian W. Peterson

Ironic, is it not, that the porkers in Congress may end up paying $2 million in tax money to “The Center on Obesity” at West Virginia University? Congress is fat and happy spending our money and they act as though they are vying for guest appearances on The Jerry Springer Show: “People addicted to spending other people’s money.”

The obesity center bill has not been passed because the budget battle has yet to get into full swing. Not to fear, there are other silly proposals in case the obesity center bill fails. According to The Washington Times, spending proposals include $50,000 for a tattoo-removal program in San Luis Obispo County, California; a bike trail in North Dakota - at the rock bottom rate of $500,000; and $273,000 for Blue Springs, Missouri, to combat the Goth culture there.

For those of you who have not been to North Dakota, trust me, you can ride your bicycle through the wheat fields and the farmers will never know the difference. It’s big news to see another human being there, so you can get away with riding your bicycle wherever you please. There are more nuclear missiles than people in that state. They even have roads in North Dakota and bicycles can fit onto most of them.

Note to tattooed residents of San Luis Obispo County: Remove your own damned tattoos.

Why would it cost over a quarter of a million dollars in Missouri when all the Goth people need is some soap and colorful clothes? “We look spooky, it goes with the subculture,” one Goth dude from St. Louis told reporters. Okay, soap, bright clothes, and psychotherapy. Maybe $273,000 is a bargain.

The scary part is that the Goth dude quoted above is 27-years old and yet he is still clueless about modern fashions. Give him a GQ Magazine, or at least a JC Penney catalogue.

A Springer episode with members of Congress could be fun. As Representative Trough explains to the audience that he just can’t help himself, the graphic at the bottom of the screen would read: “Once voted to fund study of squirrel mating.” Unfortunately, it wouldn’t be a joke; Congress has previously funded such a study.

Senator Squeal could explain to the audience how the budget process works and how he once voted to spend $57 million on saving the Razorback Sucker, an appropriately named fish that serves as an occasional meal for Colorado bears.

The bears are happy that we’re suckers.

So why can’t West Virginia, California, North Dakota and Missouri pay for their own programs? Why does it have to be the responsibility of the federal government? If people in North Dakota want a bike path, let them get the local government to pay for it. Why should people in New York pay for what the people of North Dakota want? Why should people in Oregon pay for what the people of Missouri want?

There’s a war going on, remember? What ever happened to tightening the old budget belt in order to help pay for the war effort? Let’s see, bike paths or night vision goggles, what should we buy?

If we’re going to waste federal money, perhaps we should waste it on examining addictions and whether people who breathe the air in D.C. are more likely to acquire addictions while in our capital. How about a study to figure out how to break the dreaded addiction to power? Or, we can just rename the capitol “Pork Chop Hill.”

Members of Congress just cannot resist spending money. These four separate spending bills referenced above would be really bad news if combined into one bill. All it would take is for a Congressman to see a fat, tattoo-covered Goth riding a bicycle across a wheat field and the budget will never get balanced.

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Brian W. Peterson writes a political column for the Antelope Valley Press (circulation approximately 60,000) in Palmdale, California. He is a graduate of Oral Roberts University, where he majored in TV/Film. Brian’s weekly commentary and newspaper columns can be found at www.LifeAndLiberty.com.

Send the author an E mail at Peterson@ConservativeTruth.org.

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