It’s Only Fair

July 14, 2002

by Brian W. Peterson

One of the negative attributes that homosapiens exhibit is that of selfishness. Watch children at play and cries of “that’s mine!” can be heard often. Visit the residence of any middle-aged male and grab the TV remote control and he will shout, “that’s mine!” It’s just nature at work.

But there are some selfish humanoids among us who are worse than their peers. Their selfish ways surpass that of children at play and men during football season. Who are these mean creatures? Owners of sports utility vehicles.

According to a report released this year by the National Academy of Sciences, vehicles lighter in weight are good for pedestrians and cyclists who get run over as opposed to getting run over by vehicles heavier in weight.

Put another way, if you zip out into the street in front of me while I’m cruising down the street, you’ll probably be okay once you come out of your coma. But if you dart out into the street in front of my wife, she in her big SUV, you’re pretty much toast. Scrambled eggs won’t refer to just breakfast anymore.

Never mind that I drive faster than my wife; we don’t need to confuse the eggheads at the National Academy of Sciences.

So lighter vehicles are good for pedestrians and cyclists, but bad for the occupants of that lighter vehicle. Fair enough, so long as you don’t run into an SUV.

On the other hand, those selfish folks driving SUV’s are safer inside their rich capitalistic sanctuaries on wheels. Oh yeah, those people can afford to live. They don’t worry about all those poor people who drive twenty-year old Yugos and Chevy Chevettes. They’re mean, heartless, and guzzling gas with a grin.

The National Academy of Sciences calculates that in 1993, approximately 2,000 people would not have died in car crashes had the average vehicle weight met the standards of 1976. To calculate better gas mileage, we have what is known as a CAFE standard - Corporate Average Fuel Economy, which is a neat way of saying we all need to be less selfish when it comes to equal opportunity roadside death.

Light vehicles good; heavy vehicles bad. For those of you who drive Yugos, aim for the pedestrian.

Selfish SUV owners have no consideration for others, knowing that if they wreck, their odds of survival are higher than those in lighter vehicles. Can there be a better example of self-centeredness? These insensitive latter-day Cro-Magnon dolts worry more about themselves than they do the environment.

In 1975, 80% of new cars got less than 21 miles per gallon. In 2000, only 1% of new cars got less than 21 miles per gallon. But the 2000 stats don’t count SUV’s. Think about all of the pollution that goes into the air just because these lunkheads have some selfish, prehistoric need to stay alive. How primitive. Don’t they know that we’re born to die? Have we not evolved past this selfishness yet?

We definitely need more laws. In 2000, approximately 41,000 people were killed and another 3.1 million people were injured in highway crashes. Given the fact that some of the more extreme environmentalists (forgive the redundancy) believe that the human population needs to be lowered drastically, SUV’s should be declared illegal. Let SUV owners face a Cadillac in a GEO Metro and see how brave they are.

Of course, the flip side is SUV owners keep many people gainfully employed, including gas station owners and paramedics who remove passengers from small cars.

So remember, all you selfish brutes who scoff when it’s your time to go: until we make it illegal for you to flaunt death, try to hit another SUV, not a Chevy Chevette or a pedestrian. It’s only fair. And when there’s only one SUV left in the country, leave it alone - that’s mine.

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Brian W. Peterson writes a political column for the Antelope Valley Press (circulation approximately 60,000) in Palmdale, California. He is a graduate of Oral Roberts University, where he majored in TV/Film. Brian’s weekly commentary and newspaper columns can be found at www.LifeAndLiberty.com.

Send the author an E mail at Peterson@ConservativeTruth.org.

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