Like A Box of Chocolates

August 18, 2002

by Brian W. Peterson

Politics is like a box of chocolates - too much at one time makes you want to puke your guts out. The double-speak. The endless empty rhetorical proclamations. The flip-flops. The separation from reality.

There must be some politicians who go through their entire careers without ever saying anything stupid. Surely, somewhere out there, there are some politicians who have avoided “foot-in-mouth” disease. Well, maybe one or two. There’s gotta be someone who has done it, but I just can’t seem to remember who.

We know about some of the forgettable quotes made by Vice Presidents Dan Quayle and Al Gore. While Quayle was buying a vowel and Gore was inventing the Internet, other politicians have also befuddled or enraged us.

But they are entertaining. Listening to President George Bush (the elder) speak was pure joy. No one could muddle up a simple point quite like George: “I am less interested in what the definition is. You might argue technically, are we in a recession or not. But when there’s this kind of sluggishness and concern- definitions, heck with it.” So sums up most of his presidency.

Maybe President Gerald Ford was thinking of Bush’s syntax when he said, “If Lincoln were alive today he’d roll over in his grave.” How true. Sorta true, anyway. Lincoln’s speaking abilities were Mozart compared to Bush’s Metallica. That’s probably what Ford meant.

The American public’s revulsion of politicians can best be summed up by Will Rogers’ observation: “America has the best politicians money can buy.” Rogers was an astute political observer who understood the mysteries of political life. He even understood political rituals: “Congress is so strange... a man gets up to speak and says nothing... nobody listens... and then everybody disagrees.” Then they vote on it.

Will Rogers understood that there is wind and hot air, and then there are politicians. He once said, “It used to be (in the Senate) that a man could talk all day, but now, as soon as he tells all he knows, he has to sit down.”

Sometimes, a politician just cannot help himself... such as pointing out that it depends on what your definition of the word “is” is. Said our Fast Food King, Bill Clinton: “I don’t necessarily consider McDonald’s junk food. You know, they have chicken sandwiches, they have salads...” And fries. And shakes.

If there is one thing that a politician cannot stand, it is the thought of being outside of the limelight. No more campaign speeches. No more late hours debating the merits of a bill. No more begging for money. No more fame. “Actually, I’m a little envious of Murphy Brown,” said Dan Quayle. “At least she’s guaranteed of coming back this fall.”

When politicians leave office, some end up going to large law firms, while others take jobs with foreign governments, lobbying their buddies in Congress. However, most ex-presidents just retire. After all, what’s left after holding the most important job in the world? However, outgoing President Franklin Pierce’s perspective was unique: “There’s nothing left but to get drunk.” Well, maybe he wasn’t unique.

Politicians need to learn from President Calvin Coolidge, who once delivered a speech so amazing, so to-the-point, so un-politician like, that the entire transcript will be printed below, in its entirety:

“Goodbye.”

If it were always so! If politicians could just keep their remarks to under 50,000 words, like President Coolidge. And if they could just remain consistent and make sense!

“But that I’m out of touch with the American people, that I don’t know people are hurting, I know it. I feel it. We pray about it, and I mean that literally at night, and, uh, many things, the various, where I don’t care about, don’t know about education or don’t, I mean, we’ve got a sound approach, innovative, revolutionary approach, and so I have to make that clear.” Yes, Mr. Bush. I understand. Enough now. This column is ending.

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Brian W. Peterson writes a political column for the Antelope Valley Press (circulation approximately 60,000) in Palmdale, California. He is a graduate of Oral Roberts University, where he majored in TV/Film. Brian’s weekly commentary and newspaper columns can be found at www.LifeAndLiberty.com.

Send the author an E mail at Peterson@ConservativeTruth.org.

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