I Want To Be a Victim

October 6, 2002

by Brian W. Peterson

I feel left out. We have become a nation of malcontents- of sniveling TV-talk-show-guest, whiney-under-appreciated, under-sexed, discriminated-against, over-worked, under-paid, over-sexed, ultraviolet-baked, manipulated, abused, neglected, bed-wetting victims. And I feel left out.

I’ve thought and I’ve thought about how I can qualify for a government program or special status, or at least a support group. Oh sure, I’m over-taxed, but what good is it to be a victim if everybody’s the same kind of victim? That’s not what victimhood is all about.

Here’s part of my problem: my dad beat me a lot, but it was at board games and basketball. I had a normal, intact, loving family that was close knit and a good example of the storied "nuclear family." I just can’t win.

I look around and I see all the victims. They look to the President and Congress and the Governor to do things for them and to take care of them. Why can’t I be like that? They just need to know that Government cares. Not me. I don’t care if Government cares. Every time Government cares my taxes go up.

Another problem that I have is, since I’m rather independent, I usually expect of myself and take responsibility for myself. I’m gonna have to learn. If I want to share in the whining, I’m gonna have to look to Government more.

But whining isn’t everything; it’s how you play the system. There’s insurance fraud, worker’s comp. fraud, milking disability- you know, the arts. Gotta be clever. It really is an art form. It’s that "do for me" attitude. It’s amazing how much thought and planning goes into the arts. If Government won’t do things for them, then maybe Business will. But I’m just not there yet.

Giving to the right politicians can work wonders. Now I grant you that these businesses who buy off politicians for special treatment are definitely not victims, but at least they are getting something. At least they know that Government- or part of Government, anyway- cares enough to give them freebies. Of course, my taxes have to go up to pay for the freebies.

Cheating Business or buying Government really is the result of victimhood. These people can’t really help what they do- it’s their environment or their genes or their jeans or they were abused as a child or deprived of a hula-hoop as a kid or some such. If they weren’t already victims, then they wouldn’t victimize others. Besides, it’s not really victimizing, they just are getting back what’s owed to them for being deprived or abused as a child. See! I’m learning. I’m figuring this out.

I guess my biggest problem is that I’m normal, or what used to be known as normal. Maybe if my mother had hated me and locked me in a closet and refused to feed me chocolate chip cookies until I turned eighteen, then I could go to therapy and qualify for a government grant and write a book and appear on Jerry Springer and get in a fight with one of his bouncers. That would be fun, and you get paid to go on those shows, you know.

I’m learning. To be good at being a victim, really good at it, I have to not only whine about being a victim, but I also have to do something so that I can claim my status as a victim. There’s nothing worse than a lethargic victim- you have to DO something to earn victimhood.

In that case, maybe at last I’ve found my victimhood: I’m normal. It’s my parents’ fault I’m normal. I don’t want to be normal. But nowadays, normal is weird. So I guess I’m weird. But how do I prove that I’m weird in today’s world? Dang! It’s not easy being a victim!

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Brian W. Peterson writes a political column for the Antelope Valley Press (circulation approximately 60,000) in Palmdale, California. He is a graduate of Oral Roberts University, where he majored in TV/Film. Brian’s weekly commentary and newspaper columns can be found at www.LifeAndLiberty.com.

Send the author an E mail at Peterson@ConservativeTruth.org.

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