Wanted: Baghdad

October 13, 2002

by Brian W. Peterson

According to news reports, Saddam Hussein’s inner circle is defecting to opponents of the Iraqi strongman. Given that Hussein keeps oil proceeds for himself, times are rough in this ancient country. Plus, war is on the horizon. Imagine for a moment what the “want ads” must look like in the Baghdad Daily Babble. They probably go something like this:

“Wanted, Saddam Hussein look-alikes. Looking for a challenging position that includes lots of travel and job security? See our Great One’s secret passageways and presidential palaces. Be the life of the party with your friends. When someone yells “Duck!” you don’t get to shoot birds, you’re the decoy! Bachelors and orphans preferred.”

“Wanted, Food Tasters. Be one of Hussein’s Hungry Homies. Tired of eating rice and dirt? Live in style with a daily diet of lobster, caviar, escargot, vodka, and more. Live fat and happy while Saddam starves your neighbors. Free stomach pumping when necessary.”

“Wanted, any male over the age of twelve who has ever played the childhood game “Prophets and Infidels,” can lift a rifle to his shoulder, or can throw a grenade the requisite distance. Must bring your own boots, rifle, ammunition, grenades, canteen, and uniform. No white handkerchiefs allowed.”

“Wanted, 1 million protestors. Enjoy the Baghdad sunshine while you march the streets and learn new sing-a-long songs in support of our beloved Saddam. Learn anti-American slogans; burn American flags. You WILL be there, won’t you? Yes? We know where you live. BYOGM (Bring Your Own Gasoline and Matches).”

“Wanted, Tank commanders. Beat back the invading Infidels as you defend the Motherland. BYOT.”

But it’s not just the want ads that make an interesting read. The Baghdad TV Guide boasts an appealing lineup of American shows, though some seem to have been edited:

7 pm: Baywatch- Mitch, C.J., and Skylar watch the bay on the lookout for the Marines near Basra; Jenna gets stoned for exposing her ankles (and more) in public.

8 pm: Law & Order- Brisco discovers that his partner is a Zionist who draws moustaches on Saddam posters.

9 pm: Friends- Joey and Rachel renounce their American citizenship and volunteer for the elite Republican Guard.

10 pm: This Week in Baghdad- Is the American president a warmonger? Special guests include American Congressmen Jim McDermott and David Bonior. (Note: Last week’s host is no longer with us after repeating the rumor that Saddam asked his aides whether Osama has room in his cave for one more.)

11 pm: PBS (unedited).

12 pm: Lifestyle of the Rich and Famous- To celebrate the show’s 100^th episode on Iraqi Television, we take our 100^th look at Saddam’s palaces.

It’s probably pretty tough right now to find reruns of good ol’ American war movies on Iraqi TV. No John Wayne flicks or History Channel presentations about Iwo Jima or D-Day. Not even M*A*S*H.

While the inner circle defects, Saddam continues to rule with an iron fist. If we are fortunate, rather than defecting, a close aide to the tyrant will put him out of their misery. On the down side, Saddam’s demise would put a few people temporarily out of work, and his look-alikes might want to consider plastic surgery.

In a post-Saddam Iraq, the newspaper and television content would improve. The first movie that they would show would be “The Mouse That Roared” to remind the Iraqi people that the good ol’ U. S. of A. will rebuild their country. We never fail.

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Brian W. Peterson writes a political column for the Antelope Valley Press (circulation approximately 60,000) in Palmdale, California. He is a graduate of Oral Roberts University, where he majored in TV/Film. Brian’s weekly commentary and newspaper columns can be found at www.LifeAndLiberty.com.

Send the author an E mail at Peterson@ConservativeTruth.org.

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