You Might Be a Liberal...

December 30, 2001

by Brian W. Peterson

“Liberal” is a relative term. Certainly many people are not quite sure what exactly is meant by the present-day version of the term. So, if you are new to politics, or if you just want to reaffirm your commitment to modern-day liberalism, I have come up with a test to determine whether you are indeed a liberal.

No apologies are needed, however, to Jeff Foxworthy because, well, what’s he done lately? He followed the obligatory path from stand-up comedian to star of a television series to cancellation to being featured on “Where Are They Now?”

You might be a Liberal if...

... you have a life-sized photo of Ted Kennedy on the side of your refrigerator.

... you think that conjugal visits should be allowed beginning in the third grade.

... you watch “America’s Most Wanted” in hopes of seeing Newt Gingrich’s face.

... “ménage a trois” is just a part of your daily vocabulary.

... you think that the term “illegal alien” refers to such notables as Han Solo and Chewbacca.

... you have ever taken a vacation to visit the hallowed ground of Barney Frank’s boyhood home.

... you think that the Second Amendment refers to an upcoming movie by Oliver Stone.

... you think that the “D” after your favorite politician’s name stands for “Dynamo.”

... you can spell “conservative” as a four-letter word.

... you think Bill Clinton’s private life bears a striking resemblance to St. Paul’s.

... you think that condoms are referred to in the Constitution.

... you have ever used the expressions “that poor guy,” or “he couldn’t help it” to describe a convicted murderer.

... you think that Jim Jeffords and Arlen Specter are right-wing extremists.

... you named one of your children after George McGovern, Michael Dukakis, or John Lennon.

... you think that Berkeley is just too darned straight-laced for you.

… you hope that the Democrats will nominate someone for president who is better than those blasted conservatives Bill Clinton and Al Gore.

... you stand in front of a mirror and practice rhyming like Jesse Jackson (i.e. “Since Bill got stopped by Amendment Twenty-two then Hillary will just have to do”).

... your idea of the “good old days” was being whacked by baton-wielding police while you and your buddies were protesting the Vietnam War.

... with the exception of the First Amendment, your first experience with the Constitution was when Bill Clinton swore he would uphold it.

... you think that it’s okay that Al Gore isn’t president because he’s too moderate anyway.

... you have a life-sized photo of Ronald Reagan on your garage wall - and it serves as your dart board.

... your favorite Marx Brother was Karl (the mentally challenged one of the family).

... your idea of “family values” was sending Elian Gonzalez back to the island concentration camp because his daddy is a prisoner there, too.

... you called your high school buddies to see if any of them graduated from the Electoral College... and two said that they had.

... you believe that the Democrat Party is mentioned in the Book of Revelation.

... you gave condoms as a Christmas gift to your thirteen year-old nephew.

... you gave Barbie dolls to your other nephew.

... you claim that every ballot wasn’t counted in Florida but you want the US Census Bureau to approximate rather than count citizens.

... you plan on naming your firstborn “Chad” in honor of Al Gore’s righteous struggle in Florida.

... you learned everything you need to know about economics from Big Bird, Bert and Ernie.

... you wonder when San Francisco is going to get its head out of its rear and elect some real liberals!

You might be a liberal - no, you are most definitely a liberal - if you don’t know anyone who has such high moral standards as Bill Clinton.

If you can relate to any of the above you are a victim. You can’t help it. It’s not your fault. Liberalism is something that you’re born with, and you may be eligible for a special grant from Health and Human Services. Your parents occasionally thought about beating you. Your co-workers laughed at you when you wet your pants with excitement at the thought of meeting your hero, Mikhail Gorbachev.

It’s okay to be liberal. That’s why we have psychotherapists. But watch out, psychotherapists are capitalists and they charge by the hour.

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Brian W. Peterson writes a political column for the Antelope Valley Press (circulation approximately 60,000) in Palmdale, California. He is a graduate of Oral Roberts University, where he majored in TV/Film. Brian’s weekly commentary and newspaper columns can be found at www.LifeAndLiberty.com.

Send the author an E mail at Peterson@ConservativeTruth.org.

For more of Brian's articles, visit his archives.