Politicians and Their Stories

April 14, 2002

by Charles E. Perry

Dick Gephardt is out telling stories about his Mom to make political hay. This is something that all politicians do one time or another, so I’m not going to come down hard on him for it. I just wish that politicians would be more inventive when they do this kind of thing. After a while, all their stories sound the same, with rich Democrats talking about how their parents are struggling to get by and Republicans talking about how government regulations ruined something for everyone. They need some help with these stories, and I intend to give it to them.

Dem story: Just last week I went home to visit the folks, and I had dinner with them. The food was tasty, but I didn’t recognize what it was, so I asked. Mom said it was dog food; all they could afford on their social security. Well, I’ve made millions working for you good people, so I offered to help. "No, Richard," Mom said, "Why should you give us your hard earned money when there are so many undeserving rich people, who made their money on the backs of hard working Americans, to get it from? You go raise taxes, boy!" Well, you’ve just got to admit that Mom has a point, and that’s why I’m calling for a tax rate of 98%.

GOP story: Let me tell you all about a hard working fellow named Abu. Abu came to this country with a dream: he was going to open a restaurant and make a better life for himself and his family. But Abu ran into an opponent he just couldn’t beat: government regulation. That’s right. Abu’s specialty was snail darter sauce. Tasty stuff, and Abu was recognized in his native land as the best snail darter sauce maker in history. But thanks to government regulations placing snail darters on the endangered species list, Abu couldn’t get the most important ingredient: snail darters. Today Abu is a broken man. He wanders the streets, homeless, muttering endlessly on and on about fomenting a revolution against the government. Now that is what happens when government puts animals over people. I say, let Abu have his snail darters. Let him make a better life for his family, and down with senseless regulations!

Green Party story: I just got back from the Pacific Northwest where we worked to stop a bunch of tree murderers. That’s right, tree murderers! The unenlightened may call them lumberjacks, but I believe those who kill our leafy brothers should be called what they are: murderers! We drove spikes into the trees, and the wind whistling through their branches sounded as if they were saying, "Thank you! Thank you!" When the tree murderers tried to cut them down, their chainsaws bounced off the spikes and back at the killers. Sure, some humans got injured, and one was even killed, but our leafy brothers are safe! And that’s what counts. I even had a logger come up to me and thank me for what we did. He’d lost his arm to one of the chainsaws, and the pain had shocked him into rationality. "Better I should lose my arm," he said, "then to keep killing our green brothers and lose my soul."

Libertarian Party story: Last week I was talking to our Senator, and I mentioned something that was in the Constitution. He looked confused, so I asked him what was the problem. "Les," he said, "what’s this Constitution thing you keep talking about?" Well, I was stunned beyond belief. How could an elected official not know about the Constitution? That’s why, if you send me to Washington, I intend to introduce legislation calling for every political candidate to be tested on the Constitution before being allowed to run.

General politician’s story: Last week I went home to visit Mom, like I do from time to time. While I was there, I helped her balance her checkbook. I noticed that Mom had about $300 more in her account than she needed to pay her bills, so I took it.

Now, weren’t those better than the phony stories politicians use? Sure, none of them were true, but neither are the stories they use now. If they’re going to bombard us with make believe stories to make some political point, the least they could do is make them entertaining.

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Charles E. Perry is a freelance writer living in Michigan. He has done a variety of things in his life, including Ward Supervisor at the State of Michigan's Maximum Security Mental Facility. His degree is in accounting, but he discovered writing and now spends his time hunched over a keyboard, hollow-eyed, looking for just the right word. Perry is the author of "How Government Should Work: A Look at the Federalist Papers and the Constitution of the United States," currently pending publication.

Send the author an E mail at Perry@ConservativeTruth.org.

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