The New Gore

April 21, 2002

by Charles E. Perry

Al Gore was back in Florida recently, clearly campaigning for the 2004 Democrat presidential nomination. He wants us all to know that he’s new, improved, and brightens 50% better than any other ... sorry, got him mixed up with some laundry detergent powder copy. Anyhow, like Richard Nixon, Gore is clearly planning a comeback. I have some advice for him, but I doubt if he’ll take it.

First, Al, get some industrial strength sweat stopper. You were perspiring like a pig who knows he’s on the way to becoming bacon, and it isn’t going to sell. We want leaders who stay cool in the clinches, not some guy who looks like he has Lake Michigan pouring out from his armpits. They used to make dress shields for women to use. Find some, and use them. A heavy beard cost Nixon his first run at the presidency, and waterlogged pits is sure to be a turnoff as well.

Your staff did a good job of making sure the audience was packed with Gore supporters, and that they had signs for the "spontaneous" demonstration, but don’t let that sucker you into thinking you really have any support. You were a sitting vice-president of a popular administration and you lost, Al. That should tell you something. You didn’t even carry your home state, and that should tell you something more. Face it, Al, you have the popularity of a hometown hero who struck out and lost the big game, and you aren’t going to win with more of the same old, same old.

Stop whining about the last election. I’m sure you think it was unfair for the Supreme Court to stop you from stealing it with the help of the liberal judges in Florida, but the fact is that you lost. They finally finished your precious recount Al, and you still lost. If you think you can convince the American people to oust Bush in favor of you on a "it wasn’t fair, I was robbed," platform, you’re living in a fool’s world. Some people think you are a fool, so maybe that’s appropriate, but it won’t work for elections.

Come up with a positive message, Al, instead of more of the same old scare tactics you Dems have been using for years. It won’t work for you to say that Republicans want to poison the water and kill old people, because Bush will have been in office and those things won’t have happened. Besides, the same old song and dance gets tiresome when it enters its 50th or 60th decade of use. The American people want to vote for something, Al, and it’s way past time you Dems caught on to that fact.

Some of you are probably wondering why I’m giving Al this advice, writing, as I do, for a conservative webzine. Well, there are two reasons: first, I don’t think he’s going to take it, so when he loses I can say "I told you so, Al," with a straight face. I like being able to tell politicians that I told them so. It gives me, as the pundit, a great deal of pleasure and makes me feel superior to them. It’s important that pundits feel superior to the politicians they write about. If we didn’t, we might feel bad about all the nasty things we say about them.

Second, I almost wish Gore would win, and if he follows my advice he might. Pundits need stupid politicians to write about, and Bush just isn’t providing the comic material I need to practice my punditry with the zest I am accustomed to. Oh sure, Daschle and Gephardt are out there saying stupid things and acting like clowns, but a pundit likes to strike at Mr. Big, the President, and all Bush has done is thwap the Democrats around in a casual sort of way. I figure Gore, based on his past performance, would give me lots of ammunition. Look how much fun I’m having with him just as a candidate. Do you think any other pol would have waterfalls under his arms just so I could comment on it and feel superior? Do you? I didn’t think so.

So Al, here’s the deal: you follow my advice carefully, and I’ll help you get elected. Then you can go back to meaning the same, lovable buffoon you always were, and I’ll rip you to shreds in my columns. Have we got a deal?

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Charles E. Perry is a freelance writer living in Michigan. He has done a variety of things in his life, including Ward Supervisor at the State of Michigan's Maximum Security Mental Facility. His degree is in accounting, but he discovered writing and now spends his time hunched over a keyboard, hollow-eyed, looking for just the right word. Perry is the author of "How Government Should Work: A Look at the Federalist Papers and the Constitution of the United States," currently pending publication.

Send the author an E mail at Perry@ConservativeTruth.org.

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