Raising Children

June 2, 2002

by Charles E. Perry

I’m sure everyone remembers how Hillary wanted the government to help raise our children. She said so in her book, It Takes A Village. What people don’t know is that Hillary has never given up on the idea, and that she commissioned a private study to learn how best to raise children entirely in government care, without the parents being involved at all. Thanks to my mole in the Clinton camp, I have a copy of that study. Here are the essentials:

Children should not be placed in large institutions, but in much smaller institutions with no more than five children in each. These will be called Friendly Autonomous Modalities (for) Instructing Liberal Youth, F.A.M.I.L.Y, for short. F.A.M.I.L.Y is considered essential for the children, and each F.A.M.I.L.Y unit should be housed in a Highly Organized Mature Ecosystem, H.O.M.E. for short. The H.O.M.E. of each F.A.M.I.L.Y unit should look as much like an ordinary house as is possible, and blend in with the surrounding community.

There will be two essential personnel for each H.O.M.E. The first of these is the Maturity (and) Order Model or M.O.M. The M.O.M. will have contact with the child from the very start, allowing the child to bond. Scientists have discovered that it is best if the M.O.M. is female for some reason, though no one is quite sure why. Perhaps later studies will tell us. In any case, the M.O.M. is the primary care provider for the child, providing love, nurturing, and an example of good behavior in a civilized society. In essence, the M.O.M. will be the one who teaches the child the rules of civilized behavior.

The second essential person is the Deny and Detain man, or D.A.D. Every child needs discipline, and the D.A.D. will be there to provide it in a loving manner. For some obscure reason, it seems best if a man fills this role though, again, no one is quite sure why. D.A.D. will enforce the rules M.O.M. sets, and be the one to tell the child "no" if this is necessary. In addition to providing a firm foundation in discipline, the D.A.D. should be seen to leave the H.O.M.E. on a daily basis, to earn money to support the F.A.M.I.L.Y. This will help build a strong work ethic in the children.

The M.O.M. and the D.A.D. together should offer the child positive role models concerning such things as expressions of love toward one another, and making decisions as a unit by engaging in discussion over important matters. They also offer positive role models in normal gender interactions, and can assist the children in such areas as clothing, education and proper behavior. M.O.M. will teach the child that cleanliness is important and educate him or her in the tasks necessary for daily living, while D.A.D. teaches them about shouldering responsibility.

All this is a lot to ask of just two people, so we have to provide for relief, and it has been provided for. A Greatly Respected Alternate Mature Patriarchal Associate (G.R.A.M.P.A.) and a Greatly Respected Alternate Mature Matriarchal Associate (G.R.A.M.M.A.) are provided for. The G.R.A.M.P.A. and G.R.A.M.M.A. will be elderly people (thereby giving our senior citizens a sense of purpose) who will come in to give the M.O.M. and D.A.D. a night out, shower the child with affection, and generally do what hard necked conservatives call "spoil the child rotten." Studies show that children need such unquestioning love, and the G.R.A.M.P.A. and G.R.A.M.M.A. team can provide it in spades.

Costs can be kept down by having each G.R.A.M.P.A. and G.R.A.M.M.A. team serve as many as five or six F.A.M.I.L.Y. units, which brings us to another cost saving part of the plan: the F.A.M.I.L.Y. units will interact with each other! The M.O.M. of one F.A.M.I.L.Y. unit can function as an Alternate Nurturing Unit Technician (A.U.N.T.) for another F.A.M.I.L.Y. unit, and the D.A.D. can function as a Useful Nurturing Classisist (for) Long-term Education (U.N.C.L.E.). Further, the children of the other F.A.M.I.L.Y. units, without knowing it, function as Cultural Organization Uniters Supporting Integrated Nurturing (C.O.U.S.I.N.).

The G.R.A.M.P.A. and G.R.A.M.M.A. team will be provided with a spacious house (easing housing problems for the elderly), so that F.A.M.I.L.Y. units can come on traditional holidays and the like for Variable Integrated Social Interaction Training (V.I.S.I.T.). Each V.I.S.I.T. will be disguised as a party, with A.U.N.T.s, U.N.C.L.E.s, and C.O.U.S.I.N.s, as well as the G.R.A.M.P.A. and G.R.A.M.M.A. team, providing valuable lessons to each child present. In addition, individual children could be sent for a V.I.S.I.T. to the G.R.A.M.P.A. and G.R.A.M.M.A. team for days at a time in the summer or at school breaks, making learning those valuable lessons seem like an adventure to the child.

Well, I’m sure we can all see that Hillary’s plan, with it’s F.A.M.I.L.Y.s, H.O.M.E.s, M.O.M.s, D.A.D.s, and all the rest is far superior to the way we do it ourselves. As time goes on, the plan envisions children raised in this manner becoming M.O.M.s and D.A.D.s themselves, which could lead to such things as F.A.M.I.L.Y. reunions, if you think of it. How could we ever have doubted this woman? I mean, who else but government could have ever come up with a plan as well-suited to raising children as the F.A.M.I.L.Y. plan?

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Charles E. Perry is a freelance writer living in Michigan. He has done a variety of things in his life, including Ward Supervisor at the State of Michigan's Maximum Security Mental Facility. His degree is in accounting, but he discovered writing and now spends his time hunched over a keyboard, hollow-eyed, looking for just the right word. Perry is the author of "How Government Should Work: A Look at the Federalist Papers and the Constitution of the United States," currently pending publication.

Send the author an E mail at Perry@ConservativeTruth.org.

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