Things I’ve Learned About Cats

June 30, 2002

by Charles E. Perry

Okay, so this column isn’t about politics. They can’t all be about politics you know. Sometimes you have to write about something important. Now, I’ve had cats pretty much continuously in my life for as long as I can remember, and that’s a long time. Hint: Eisenhower was president. Over those decades I’ve learned a few things about cats, and I’ll share then with you now.

Cats are proud of hairballs. I figure they must be, because all of mine have made sure to cough them up in front of me. Sort of a, "See what I can do, dad?" kind of thing. One of my cats would even wake me from a sound sleep in the middle of the night, just to cough up a hairball on my chest. He always seemed amazed when I screamed and put him on the floor. I don’t know why cats are proud of hairballs, but they are, and that’s what counts so far as the cat is concerned.

Cats hate pills. When you have to give a dog a pill, you just put it in some hamburger and the dog will gobble it down. Not so with cats. Cats will eat the burger and spit the pill out. The easiest way to give a cat a pill takes two people. You wrap the cat up in a towel or blanket, and cradle it in your arms like a baby. The cat won’t be fooled, so expect some struggling. The second person pries the cats jaws open, and shoves the pill down the cat’s throat as far as he can. Then he holds the cat’s mouth shut and strokes its throat. About half the time, you’ll still see the cat spit the pill out when you put him down, but no other method works as well.

If it moves and appears smaller than them, cats feel justified in attacking. This trait explains those 3:00 am attacks on your feet under the covers. They moved, and they look smaller than the cat. Cats don’t seem able to understand that it’s you under those covers, or they don’t care. In any case, if it moves, it’s fair game to a cat. I once had a cat who attacked my feet every evening when I got home from work and took my shoes off. It made him happy, so I didn’t really care, but he started doing it to guests too, and that was a problem. Not for the cat, but for the guests and my neighbors. They complained about the screams.

If it’s good enough for you, it’s good enough for the cat. Cats believe in sharing. In particular, they believe you should share your food with them. I have never been able to resist giving my cats a treat from the table and, over time, it evolves into a right. My latest feline friend stalks the treats. I put them down and she slinks close, eyes the food, and then pounces on it. Then she carries it off and devours it. It’s fun to watch, and the time it takes her for each bite means that I get to eat some of my food, too.

Another aspect of this truth about the furbeasties is that cats aren’t exactly carnivores. Sure, they’d rather have meat than anything else, but over the years I have had cats who would eat things that strike the average person as odd, to say the least. One cat I had loved cashews. Another was into lettuce and broccoli. My current feline friend likes such things as bagels, tuna fish with onion, and meatless spaghetti. I’m not sure if those things are good for her or not, but she likes them.

Cats are never too tired for a nap. One thing cats do well is sleep. They sleep everywhere, and in amazing positions. Scientists say this is because they need to conserve their energy for that mad dash after their prey, but having see my fat babies waddle up to the food dish, I seriously doubt it. I think they just like to sleep. That and staring out windows seem to be their favorite occupations.

Well, that’s my column for this week. I hope, as you read it, that you have a purring feline curled up on your lap, purring madly and kneading your flesh with her razor sharp little claws. That’s what’s happening as I write, and I hate suffering alone.

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Charles E. Perry is a freelance writer living in Michigan. He has done a variety of things in his life, including Ward Supervisor at the State of Michigan's Maximum Security Mental Facility. His degree is in accounting, but he discovered writing and now spends his time hunched over a keyboard, hollow-eyed, looking for just the right word. Perry is the author of "How Government Should Work: A Look at the Federalist Papers and the Constitution of the United States," currently pending publication.

Send the author an E mail at Perry@ConservativeTruth.org.

For more of Charlie's articles, visit his archives.